Remember Me
by DetectiveMcGeek
Summary: Maura dies in the siege on Headquarters and Jane doesn't find out until nearly half a year later, her imagination conjuring up days and nights with Maura. Jane needs to deal with the events of that day and her own mental torture.
1. Chapter 1

**New fanfic! I had this idea for a while, and this is going to be a multi-chapter deal, but I'm not sure how many chapters. This first chapter is just kind of an intro into everything and it's really easy going, and the plot I want will start to develop in the next chapter. Just so you know, I'm going to try to make this fic as brutal as I possibly can. So, I hope you like it!**

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Jane huffed a sigh as she dropped her head into her hands. Her elbows were propped up on her desk and the only lights in the room came from hers, Frost's and Korsaks' desk lamps. The entire bullpen was deserted besides the three of them, the unlucky trio that got to take on one of the toughest cases of the year. She was crouched over her share of the paperwork from their most recent case, the one they were finally able to close two hours ago.

"You know, I signed up to be a cop, not a paper-pusher," Jane huffed, rubbing her eyes.

"Well, comes with the job description. Didn't you read the fine print?" Frost asked.

Jane lifted her head and glared at Frost through the cracks between her fingers. She made a face, silently mocking Frost and barely moving her lips as she mimicked him. She dropped her head in her hands again and rubbed her eyes.

Jane had been taken hostage before. This time was a trade-off between another hostage and herself. Jane couldn't stop going back to the memory of Hoyt pinning her to the cold stone basement floor… She flexed her hands where they were pierced with scalpels so long ago. This time, she got out safe, as did the other hostages. The unsub threatened to blow up the place but the detectives had the advantage of knowing there weren't any actual bombs.

She sighed and lifted her head. Korsak and Frost were still working on their own papers; their faces held a look of stern concentration.

"I'm going to go see Maura, I haven't been able to yet," Jane said, standing up and turning around to put on her jacket. She unclipped her badge and gun from her belt and stuck it in the bottom drawer of her desk before locking it. "I'll finish my stuff in the morning." Jane reached over her desk and switched off the lamp, removing the slight yellow glow from the surface of her desk. She turned and made her way down the hallway out of the bullpen and missed the concerned look Frost and Korsak gave each other.

Jane drove to Maura's house. The M.E. had gone home earlier that day when Jane refused to see anyone after being released by the paramedics. Jane wanted to get back to the precinct to finish up this case as soon as possible; she'd had it up to her eyeballs in nosy questions and concern, and she wanted to finish the case and get it the hell off her desk.

But paperwork is paperwork and Jane could only take so much of it, so she decided to go see her friend.

Jane parked her car in the driveway and looked up, seeing Maura's bedroom light was still on, meaning Maura was still awake. The living room light was also on, which was not uncommon, but maybe Maura just forgot to turn it off. She unlocked Maura's front door with the key Maura had given her; she actually couldn't remember how long ago that was. But she was at least thankful Maura started locking her doors. It only took about a year of Jane reminding Maura over and over, but finally, Maura started to form the habit of clicking the lock shut when she got home.

"Maura!" Jane called out into the house.

Jane heard footsteps approaching her accompanied by a "Jane?"

Angela came turned around the corner and smiled at her daughter. Jane never understood why Maura would so willingly let Angela stay in her guest house, and just come in to the main house all the time.

"Hi, Ma," Jane said, walking toward her mother.

"Jane," Angela said, bringing Jane into a tight embrace.

"Ugh, Ma," Jane said, trying to push out of her mother's death squeeze.

Angela unwrapped her arms from Jane and held Jane by the shoulders, her eyes going over her daughter. "Jane, does it hurt?" Angela asked worriedly.

"Which bandage are you talking about, Ma?" Jane smirked, trying a lame attempt at a joke. She had bandages on her neck where the perp held a knife to her, and on her wrists where he had handcuffed her and used her to get to a safer vantage point in the room.

"Jane, that's not funny," Angela said, scowling.

"Well, I'm fine. It doesn't even hurt," Jane said.

Angela looked sadly at her daughter, remembering the post-traumatic stress Jane experienced, was still experiencing. Angela nodded. "I know, sweetie. I'm so glad you're alive."

Jane tried to smile. "Me too, Ma."

"I love you."

"I love you too, Ma."

Angela stood there, looking at her daughter, wishing she could have chosen something safer as a career, but Jane was always the adventurous type.

"Are you hungry? Can I make you anything, a peanut butter and fluff sandwich, some bunny pancakes?"

"No thanks, Ma. I'm just gonna go up and say hi to Maura," Jane said.

Angela's expression changed to something bittersweet and she tilted her head to the side as a slight grimace formed on her lips. "Okay, sweetie. You go ahead and do that."

Jane smiled at her mother. "Goodnight, Ma. See you tomorrow."

She walked further into the dark house. She turned to the left and walked a few more steps toward Maura's bedroom. She knocked on the closed door before turning the knob and opening it slowly.

Maura was sitting on her bed on top of her covers, her feet stretched out and tucked at the ankles. She had reading glasses on and her chin was tilted down toward the book she held in her lap. Her hair was damp and the rest of her skin revealed by her silk slip seemed to glow from the lamp on the bedside table. Maura looked up when Jane entered and smiled.

"Hey," Maura said, shutting her book and setting it on the night stand and sitting up a little. She pat the space next to her for Jane to come and sit with her.

"Hey," Jane said. She smiled as she walked lazily toward the bed and plopped down, folding her arms over her stomach and swinging her legs to stretch out and cross at the ankles.

"Jane, could you not wear your shoes to bed," Maura said disapprovingly.

Jane tilted her head to look at Maura and kicked off her shoes, flinging them with her toes to the side of the bed. She scooted further down the bed until she was almost completely laying down with her neck and head tilted on the pillow behind her. She tucked her hands behind her head and smiled up at Maura.

"Hey," Jane said again.

"Hey," Maura repeated right back to her.

Jane swallowed under Maura's gaze, trying to crack a smile.

"I'm glad you're okay," Maura said.

"Me too," Jane said, nodding. She came over because she wanted to talk with Maura, get her mind off everything and let the case go, but for some reason, she couldn't find words to say, so she looked up at the ceiling, the sound of their breathing the only noises in the room.

"How are you feeling?" Maura asked.

"Eh, I've been better," Jane said.

"I heard he stabbed himself," Maura said.

"Yeah. Pushed me out of the way and then stabbed himself, trying to end it all. It didn't work though, the paramedics were already there, and we made a full arrest." Jane explained. "It was cool."

"I bet," Maura agreed.

There was more silence between the two.

"If you want to talk, Jane, I'm here," Maura said, tilting her head down to look at Jane, her damp and wavy hair hanging loosely around her face.

"I know," Jane said, reaching up to tuck some strands behind Maura's ear. "Thank you."

Maura smiled. "For what?"

"For being there," Jane said. "You're always here for me, it seems."

Maura's eyes grew sad for a moment, but she recovered quickly.

"You were here for everything, for Hoyt, for the shooting, I couldn't have done any of that without you. And you somehow managed not to piss me off, not even once, through all that stuff."

Maura sighed. "Well, you know I couldn't possibly control the circumstances of your life at whatever time I happened to come in it." Maura reached out to pat Jane's arm.

"But still. I'm grateful to you for not giving up on me. I know I was a real bitch after Hoyt the first time, and I was pretty bitchy the next time too. No telling how awful I'll be after being used as a bargaining chip," Jane joked. "What I'm trying to say is, sorry I'm a bitch."

"I'm used to it."

"Hey!" Jane said, reaching over and flicking Maura's leg playfully.

"Ow! Maura exaggerated. She flicked Jane back on her arm.

Jane scrunched up her face and reached over to flick Maura again, and Maura did the same, flicking Jane over and over, trying to hide a grin.

"Okay! Uncle! Uncle!" Jane cried, chuckling, trying to scoot as far away from Maura as the bed would allow.

Maura chuckled under her breath as she settled back to her side of the bed and Jane scooted back into a comfortable position, folding her hands over her stomach. Maura closed her eyes and began to meditate, trying to regain her calmness after the flick-war with Jane. They laid there in silence for a moment, Jane's eyes going in and out of focus from exhaustion.

"You know, I think I'm gonna be fine this time," Jane said, disturbing Maura from her thoughts.

"That's good," Maura said, scooting down in the bed into a laying position. She settled on to the pillow, folding her right arm behind her head and the other over her stomach.

"I think it just comes with the job, you know? People just get used to putting their lives in danger, and putting themselves out there." Jane asked, a hint of worry in her voice.

"I agree."

"Makes me wonder sometimes why I wanted to do this," Jane laughed.

"Because you're a wonderful, strong, protective person, who cares a lot." Maura said generally.

"Do you think people are going to… look at me differently?" Jane asked, remembering the tears on her face as the unsub pressed the knife into her neck. She could feel the cold metal press into her skin and she was brought back to that moment with Hoyt in the basement; to the scalpels being rammed through her hands.

"I think people know that you are stronger than they had originally estimated. And they know you have survived worse and recovered so well, so it would be valid to assume they would treat you no differently this time."

"Oh, Maura Isles. Assuming things now, are we?" Jane teased.

"No, Jane. It was merely a theory, since it had been proven before, it could be proven again. Call it… an educated guess."

"Meh," Jane said, smirking. "I think I'm just gonna call it an assumption."

Maura playfully pinched Jane's arm. Jane shied away from it halfheartedly but settled back down into the pillow and Maura began to meditate again. She took a deep breath, feeling the bandage on her neck stretch as she flexed it, and the bandage right under her collarbone stretch as she inhaled. She flexed her hands, slightly tugging on the bandages around her wrist. Hoyt was so much worse than this, and she had survived both times. Nobody believed Jane could catch him then, much like no one believed Jane could catch this guy.

But she did.

Jane smiled to herself. She shot down all those other guy's ideas about her; she proved herself worthy of her title as Detective, and she was also glad she had Maura here; Maura really did help take some of the pressure off of Jane's mind. Maura just had that effect on people, she could calm you down in a heartbeat. Her friendly smile, her pleasant demeanor, her calm and logical personality, and her soothing voice made her the perfect mix of a person to get Jane through one of the toughest times of her life. When no one else could reach Jane, could help her, Maura was able to.

And Jane tells Maura over and over how eternally grateful she will be for Maura.

Jane smiled to herself, feeling Maura's body completely relax next to hers. Maura fell asleep while meditating. Again.

Jane debated whether or not she wanted to go back to her apartment. It would be about a ten minute drive, with the minimal traffic at this late hour, and Jane didn't want to intrude on Maura and stay over without her permission. But she also just wanted to sleep in her own bed. Nothing seemed more appealing than sleeping in her own bed right now at this very moment.

Jane sighed softly, trying not to disturb the covers as she sat up and swung her legs over the edge of the bed slowly. She stood up and looked back down at Maura, flicking off the bedroom lamp. She made her way back down the hall and paused at the edge of the living room, holding on to the wall as she swayed mid-step. She was suddenly overcome by a feeling of great sleepiness. She squinted her eyes at the illuminated kitchen just beyond the living room and decided to just stay here the night. It probably wasn't safe, for her or anyone else on the street, if Jane were to try to drive back to her apartment in the state she was currently in.

Jane closed her eyes and yawned widely, still holding on to the wall for support, and she could not, for the life of her, remember where the hell Maura's guest bedroom was. She decided to slump herself on the couch for the night, dragging her feet toward it and falling down with a dull plop. She turned over to lay on her back and tugged off her belt, tucking it under the coffee table in front of the couch. She fished her car keys out of her pocket and tossed it on the coffee table, landing with a hard metal-on-glass clink. She stretched her hands out behind her head, closed her eyes, and took a deep breath.

The next thing Jane knew, it was the next morning.

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**Next chapter, things will start to be developing a little more. Thanks for reading! **


	2. Chapter 2

**I couldn't wait to post this chapter, and that means there's gonna be a longer wait between posts from now on... Ha. I know I said brutal, but just wait. This chapter kind of brings up more stuff, and maybe introduce what I'm doing, but it's not brutal... yet. Hope you like it!**

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"Jane, you fell asleep on the couch again!?"

Jane woke up to the shrill sound of her mother's voice.

"Ma, what are you doing here so early?" Jane asked, squinting as soon as she opened her eyes, the light flooding Maura's living room too bright for her. She was laying in relatively the same position she fell asleep in, but her leg fell off the couch and was resting flat on the floor. Jane sat up and turned around, rubbing her eyes with her palms. She saw her mother standing in the open entrance from the kitchen to the living room.

"I live here, honey, I can use my own kitchen," Angela said, putting her hands on her hip.

"No, Ma, you live in Maura's _guesthouse,_" Jane said, emphasizing the word 'guesthouse'. "Don't you have your own kitchen there?"

Angela's face fell, as it always did when Jane mentioned Maura, except Jane was still too tired to notice. Hell, she never noticed.

"Right, dear," Angela said, nodding. "But this kitchen is just so much nicer than the one in the guesthouse, I like using this one."

"Maura's alright with that?"

Angela looked at her daughter, at the bandage hanging off Jane's neck. Angela's eyes darted to Jane's hands that were up in the air as she stretched out her arms. Her eyes went back over to Jane and her mind went to the fact she went to bed in her work clothes, the fact she always had to be ready to go, never seemed to relax. Hoyt did this to her so long ago. _My baby, what happened to you? _

"Yes," Angela said carefully, calculatedly. "She's alright with it."

"Fine, Ma," Jane said, standing up. "Oh shit" Jane fell down to one side, catching herself and landing hard on her other foot. "My damn leg is numb."

"Young lady, watch your language," Angela said, pointing a finger at Jane.

Jane scowled at Angela. "Ma, it's-" Jane glanced at the clock on the wall. "8:30 in the morning, I don't need you to nag me about my language right now, okay? I get enough of that from Maura at work." _And Maura's the only one who can correct me on language, okay?_

Angela nodded. "Okay sweetie. I was going to make breakfast, do you want some pancakes? Or an omelet?" Angela asked, turning and heading into the kitchen.

"Pancakes would be great," Jane said, walking in after her mother. "I think I'm going to go shower. Maura's probably already at work, right?"

"Yes, I saw her leave for work this morning," Angela lied.

"Ma, that's kinda creepy," Jane said.

"She usually has some of your… extra work clothes… here, right?" Angela asked slowly.

"Yeah, it's probably in her room, though. I'll be back in fifteen minutes."

"I wish you'd care more for your own appearance, Jane. Maybe do something with your hair, and a little makeup never hurt anyone. And maybe try dressing a little more feminine?" Angela asked hopefully. Maura usually bothered Jane most of the time about that kind of stuff, so it took the load off Angela, but now… Maybe bringing up this subject once more would help change Jane and her androgynous ways.

"No, Ma, we've been over this. I don't do that stuff. I can't spend an hour every morning like Maura does to just do my hair to perfection. Talk to you in a bit!" Jane shouted as she was halfway down the hallway, trying to dodge out of the conversation. She never liked it when Angela brought up the way she chose to dress and look. Jane looked tough and professional, and that was good enough for her. Why does she need to impress anyone anyway? No one at work is really worth spending that much effort for. _Except for Maura. _That thought died in the back of her mind.

Jane showered in Maura's bathroom. She washed all traces of yesterday off her, the blood, the dust, the smell of gunpowder, the sweat. She briefly wondered why Maura hadn't commented on the awful smell coming from Jane's clothes. She tilted her head back and let the warm water run over her head. Her mind flashed back to yesterday, the perp holding her around the neck, gun to her back, knife to her neck, forcing her backwards directly on to him as he backed into the next room, away from the snipers set up around the perimeter of the house. She reached for the shower knob and turned the water hotter and hotter until she finally felt it sting her skin, and finally she felt a little better.

She leaned against the shower wall and slid down, sitting on the floor with her knees to her chest, the hot water pouring over her head like a heavy rain. She stared blankly at the wall, physically and mentally exhausted. She shouldn't be so tired, she had slept fairly decently the night before. Rather, she only had a few nightmares. She had a best friend to come home to that would make everything better.

She can't keep dreaming about Hoyt, about the shooting; all those memories tear at her. Hoyt left scars, the shooting left scars, it seems like everything in Jane's life wants to leave her with a physical reminder of the pain. Sometimes she just wished to not be caught in the middle of everything. She still wants to be a cop, but why can't she be a little more obscure, someone who doesn't have to take all the drama of the job.

Jane sighed, the sound not audible over the water pressure. That was something Jane loved about Maura's shower; it had perfect water pressure that was hard enough to feel soothing, but soft enough to keep her relaxed. That's probably why Maura took thirty-minute showers.

Jane stood up and rinsed off her body once more before stepping out of the shower and grabbing the towel she hung on the rack on the wall. She dried her skin off slowly, just now noticing how hot the water was that her skin had become bright red and sensitive to the touch. She went out to the open of Maura's room and went over to the drawers she had opposite the bed. She opened the top left drawer, the one Maura usually reserved for Jane, and found a clean set of work clothes and a clean set of underwear.

She dropped the towel on to the floor and put on her panties, pulling them up sensitive legs. She really shouldn't have turned the water so hot. She put on her bra next, realizing her shoulder was still a little sore from landing so hard on the ground after being pushed from the perp onto the ground. She slipped on her plain blue fitted t-shirt and slid on her pants, tucking in the shirt and buttoning the clasp of the pants. She wondered briefly where her belt was before remembering she left it under the coffee table last night, where she tucked it before she fell asleep. She picked up the towel from the ground and tilted the top half of her body down, quickly shaking out her hair with the towel as a last attempt to dry the wild curls. She carried the towel back to the bathroom and hung it up on the rack, turning briefly to look at herself in the mirror. She looked slightly better than how she assumed she looked last night, but she still looked a little frazzled and her eyes were still exhausted.

She shut off the bathroom lights and closed the door, grabbing her blazer on the way out of Maura's room back to the kitchen. She could hear her mother cooking, the sound of pancake batter sizzling on the stove attracting Jane even more. She could smell the scent of pancakes, the melted butter scent mixed with the smell of the cooked batter made Jane's mouth water.

"Hey, Ma," Jane said as she entered the kitchen, her mother's head bent over the stove, preparing to flips a pancake with the spatula in her other hand.

"Jane," Angela said. Though Jane couldn't see her face, she could hear a smile in her mother's voice. "I've already got some made, but I'm making extra, in case you're really hungry."

Angela gestured with her elbow to the plate next to the stove that held five stacked pancakes. As Jane approached, her stomach feeling like it was about to growl, she saw the shape of the pancakes.

"Ma, bunnies?" Jane whined.

"What? You love them," Angela said.

"Yeah, _loved. _When I was like, seven," Jane said. She grabbed the plate and sat down at the counter, picking up a fork and digging in anyway. Angela glanced sideways at her daughter eating the pancakes. She pretended not to notice the slight smile on Jane's face as she dug in. Regardless of age, regardless of shape, Jane could never resist her pancakes.

"Well, they're still pancakes, regardless of shape," Angela said. "And they were Maura's favorite."

"Hrmph," Jane mumbled through a bite of a bunny ear. She cut off another bite and stuck it in her mouth, chewing quickly. She didn't realize how hungry she was until she actually took the first bite. "Ma, these are so good. Thank you."

"You're welcome, baby," Angela said, flipping another pancake onto Jane's plate. "I hope that's enough for you, Jane, but just let me know if you want some more, because I can always make some more," Angela said, turning off the stove and taking a few steps toward her daughter. She put a hand on her arm and leaned in to kiss her forehead.

"Aah, Ma!" Jane squirmed away slightly, keeping hold of the fork with the bite of pancake on the end of it.

"I love you Jane," Angela said and smiled. "I'm going to go get ready for work, but give me a shout if you need anything before you leave." Angela went to go prepare for her day working at the Division One Café.

"Alright, Ma," Jane said, smiling at her mother. She waved as Angela made her way out of the kitchen.

Jane sat in silence, devouring the rest of the pancakes quickly, doing what Maura would always point out was more like "inhaling" rather than "eating". She finished the pancakes quickly, feeling a little more than full, but not giving a damn. She almost died last night, so now, she's going to eat and do what she wants. Fuck the police.

Jane laughed quietly to herself for a moment. She was probably still tired; on any other day, she would not have found that funny at all.

Jane retrieved her keys from where she threw them on the coffee table last night and walked out the door, making sure she heard the door clock locked before taking out the key. Even though Maura wasn't home at the moment, Jane didn't want to give anyone the remote ability to break in and destroy things, scare her, or hide in the dark.

Jane drove the ten minutes to the precinct, winding through morning traffic. She laughed quietly to herself as she passed a minivan full of small kids making faces at the driver, supposedly their mother. The kids reminded Jane much of her younger self and her brothers, never behaving on the car ride to school. Downtown Boston came to life as cars packed the streets, the parallel parking spaces in front of coffee shops, and the crosswalks, waiting for people to cross the street.

Jane pulled into the garage below the precinct and got out, heading around to the front of the building to check in.

"Good morning, Detective," the security guard at the front desk said nonchalantly as she handed him her badge and ID. He handed them back after he verified her identity, glancing down at her hands. Jane noticed his eyes go down her hands and she quickly took her ID and badge. She strode over to the elevator and was about to push the down button, intending to head down to the morgue. Why was it that every time she was in a more dangerous situation than normal, people immediately assumed her hands and Hoyt had something to do with it? Hoyt's dead now, and long gone. Jane killed him with his own damn scalpel.

"Jane!"

Jane turned to see which direction the manly voice came from. She saw Frankie coming down the hall, waving at her to hold up. He was in his uniform, looking dapper as always. Jane couldn't help but crack a small smile as her little brother approached; being a cop made him happy, and seeing him happy made Jane happy.

"How've you been, Jane?" Frankie asked, concern evident in his eyes as he came to a stop in front of his sister.

"I'm alright, Frankie," Jane said honestly. "Could be better, I guess. I could've not been held captive by a psycho, right?."

"Not funny, Jane. You could've died." Frankie said politely, hoping Jane could understand from his voice that this was not a situation to be taken lightly, and he really was worried about her. He doesn't want anything bad to happen to his big sister.

"Yeah, but I didn't," Jane tried to joke off. She smiled. "Hey, I'm good, okay? Minimal damage," Jane said, pointing to the scab on her neck from where she was cut the night before. "Look, no hands." Jane held up her hands, the scars from her first encounter with Hoyt just slightly raised and discolored patches of skin in the center of her palms.

"Yeah, yeah," Frankie said, punching Jane lightly in the arm. "Just, you know, don't go running into any psycho hostage-takers, alright?" Frankie pulled Jane into a hug. Jane allowed him those few seconds, knowing Frankie was just as reserved about hugs as she was. "I love you."

"Love you too, little bro."

They separated and Frankie smiled at Jane. "I'll let you, uh, get back to whatever you were going to do."

"I was just going to go down to say hi to Maura." Jane smiled. "I crashed on her couch last night and I need to thank her for not kicking me off it."

Frankie's grin turned into a slight grimace, but Jane didn't notice the fallen face. "Oh yeah, Ma called and told me you were at Maura's last night."

"What? Really!" Jane huffed. "Why does Ma even care? It's not her business."

"It kinda is, Jane," Frankie said calmly.

"No, I can stay the night with a friend without her butting in. I wish she'd just leave me alone sometimes, or just stay in the damn guesthouse." Jane jabbed the down button, willing the elevator car to come faster.

"She's not butting in, she just cares."

"And why would you need to know anyway?"

"Uh, Ma just felt like telling me. It just came up."

"In a phone call?"

"Yeah."

The elevator dinged and the doors opened, allowing Jane to step in. She glared once more at her brother and he flashed a signature grin in her direction.

"Take care, Sis!" Frankie said with a wave.

Jane tilted her head and nodded, giving him a tight wave before the elevator doors closed and she pressed the button for the basement.

Jane walked into the morgue and looked into Maura's office. She didn't like the way Maura redid her office, and she's told Maura that several times, but Maura insisted she keep it that way. "It is more efficient," Maura would drill into Jane's head. Yeah, yeah, but couldn't efficient be less… ugly?

"Maura?" Jane called as she knocked on the door.

The chair behind the wooden desk was empty, the space in front of the computer lacking a coffee cup. Maura had removed all the little trinkets from on top of her desk and replaced them with pencil holders, folder organizers. _More efficient. _The words rang in Jane's ears and she mentally rolled her eyes. Maura also got rid of the weird designer chairs she liked to keep in the office. Actually, the office now looked more like… and office. It looked so… impersonal.

_More efficient. _

Jane walked back out of the office and into the morgue, where she saw Pike with his back to her, leaning over a body, talking into a recorder. _God, just the sound of his voice makes me want to strangle someone. _

"Good morning, Dr. Pike," Jane said. She tried to be nice to him, because she knew it was only a matter of time until she broke his legs with her bare hands. He didn't turn around and Jane got slightly annoyed. She cleared her throat and spoke a bit louder. "Good morning, Dr. Pike."

Jane saw Pike tense and press a button on his recorder. He turned around and faced Jane, scalpel in hand. Jane was standing with her hip cocked to one side, her arms crossed, and an annoyed look on her face. He looked at her with his usual arrogant stare. The impression Jane got form him was that he didn't like detectives. He always talked down to her and the other detectives, as if he was better than them simply because he could say fancy medical terms. Jane scoffed because he couldn't even tell the difference between a nine-mil and forty-caliber. Jane also felt like Pike had a difficult time understanding the word 'efficient'. Maybe it is because he doesn't like working under people, and he works under Maura… Maybe he wants to prove he is more meticulous? But he tends to miss out on fairly obvious things and his notes are sloppy. He took too much time to examine unimportant things and worked slowly. He had to have the morgue and his equipment set up a certain way or he spends at least half an hour trying to rearrange everything, all the while muttering about 'Dr, Isles' poor organization'. His entire setup just got on Jane's nerves.

Jane also hated the fact that he would take over Maura's cases. He just wasn't very good at his job and she wanted Maura back…

"Can I help you, Detective Rizzoli?" Pike asked slowly, annoyed. He didn't like Jane's attitude toward him, but ever since the shooting, everyone knows to be careful around her.

"Yes, I was wondering if you'd seen Dr. Isles around?"

Pike crossed his arms. He knew what he needed to say.

"Yes, she should be back momentarily, why don't you just go wait in _her _office?" Pike scoffed. He hated how he, and everyone else, needed to tip-toe around this.

"Oh okay. Thank you Dr. Pike." Jane was stoic as she turned around and headed back toward the office.

Pike turned back around to the autopsy table muttering something incoherent.

Jane sat down in one of the wooden chairs on the other side of Maura's desk and crossed her legs. She leaned back and crossed her arms and tiled her head back to stare at the ceiling _Bored, bored, boooooorrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeedd dddd, _Jane thought as she puffed her cheeks and blew air out of her mouth.

"Jane?"

Jane sat up and turned around to face the direction the voice came from. She smiled at the sound, knowing immediately who it was.

"Hey, Maura."

"What are you doing here?" Maura smiled as she came into the room.

"Well gee, if you want me to leave, all you have to do is say so," Jane joked, moving to stand up.

"No, Jane," Maura laughed as she sat down at her desk chair. "Please stay. How was your night?"

Jane smiled as she sat down again and propped her elbows on the desk. "Pretty alright. I slept on your couch."

"Yes, I saw."

"Hope you don't mind."

"Of course not, Jane. You know you could have shared the bed with me," Maura said non-suggestively.

"Yeah, I know, but I didn't want to disturb you if… you know."

Maura's smile faded slightly. "Are you having nightmares again?"

"Yeah," Jane said sheepishly. "They don't ever really go away."

"Did you know that nightmares could sometimes be caused by eating before bed? Your metabolism increases and signals the brain to-"

"Maura, I don't need a lecture, just a way to get rid of them." Jane smiled.

"Well, yoga and meditation are good ways to relax the-"

"Maura."

"Oh sorry."

Jane sighed and sat back in the chair, rubbing her palms over her eyes.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Maura asked.

Jane pulled her hands away from her eyes and stared at the ceiling. Sometimes she was too tired and worn to keep her nightmares to herself.

"I dreamt Hoyt was after me again, but this time he took you." Jane kept staring at the ceiling.

Maura's eyes became sympathetic, but she didn't say a word, in case Jane wanted to continue.

"Right before he cut open your neck, he turned to me and smiled. Smiled, Maura. He said, 'You can't save her, Jane'. And I tried so hard to get to you but I couldn't move, and I could only watch as he started to cut and-" Jane cut herself off and shook her head. "And then all of a sudden, we were in the precinct, the day of the Marino shooting. We were in the morgue and you were working on Frankie, and then… right before he grabbed me, he shot you." Jane paused for a second, taking a deep breath.

"And I was screaming for you, Maura, but I couldn't hear myself. It seemed like, you know, no one could hear me. I was just clawing at his arms and kicking and trying to get back to you, as if I could help somehow, but he just kept dragging me away." Jane shook her head. "Maura, I could _feel _his arm around my neck, that fucking iron grip. I couldn't get to you and I felt so helpless and so sorry that I couldn't save you, and the next thing I know, I hear another bang and feel something rip through me." Jane clenched her jaw. "And I don't wake up anymore. I sleep through the whole night and the dreams keep coming. I don't know how to wake myself up from this, but I have to, and I want to because it was so… vivid."

Jane tilted her head down to look at Maura. Her expression was sad.

"I'm sorry, Maura…" Jane said. She didn't know what to say. "It… my dreams just… I wish I didn't dream anymore, you know? In my dreams, I'm so damn alone."

Maura tried to smile, but Jane knew the feeling wouldn't reach her eyes. "Yes, I know." Maura put her hands out on the desk, palms facing upward; an open invitation for Jane to put her hands in them. Jane moved her hands on top of Maura's and used her thumb to rub Maura's palm. "But, Jane, look at me."

Jane looked into Maura's eyes; her beautiful golden-green eyes that expressed so much warmth, but could be closed off immediately to be so cold, her beautiful eyes that seemed to light up a room. A genuine smile crept to Jane's lips for the first time in a while, and Maura smiled back, warming Jane's heart.

"I'm here. I'm alive, and I'll never leave you."

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**Let me know what you think, if you're confused, if there are any concerns, questions, comments, etc. Thanks for reading! Stay tuned.**


	3. Chapter 3

**New chapter. I can feel the worry in you guys from the reviews and I want to let you know that it might not be AS brutal as a lot of you think it is. But it's just a fair warning, to those people who really don't like brutal things. **

**So, here's a new chapter. I know I warned about brutality, but again, this chapter is not the brutal beginning. It's a slow burrrrrnnnnnn. **

**Just kidding. Enjoy the chapter!**

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Jane and Frost caught a case an hour and a half after Jane went back up to the bullpen to finish the paperwork from the night before. She'd been in a cranky mood despite her talk with Maura. She was able to avoid her Ma in One Division Café, but only at the cost of giving up her morning coffee. Not to mention the fact she had those nightmares.

Jane, Frost, and Korsak headed out to the crime scene, the house of a rather well-known plastic surgeon. The doctor, Melinda Hahn, was lying on her kitchen floor in front of the refrigerator, the freezer door still open and leaking cold air. Jane smirked, knowing Pike was going to have a hell of a time trying to determine cause of death from body temperature. Jane sighed, momentarily wishing Maura would start working on cases again. Sometimes Jane didn't even know why Maura was still there, since she didn't work on the bodies anymore, but…

Jane shook her head, her mind starting to go foggy and tears forming in her eyes.

She crouched down on the floor next to the body. The whole situation looked like a crime of opportunity or a burglary gone awry. The killer or killers were here, going through things in the study, when Hahn comes in, startling them. She goes to the kitchen and tries to get something from the fridge, unaware she is not alone, when she is grabbed. She fights back, flinging her shoes from her feet in the process. She was strangled to death and then dropped on the floor, and it looked as if the burglary didn't follow through since it looks as if nothing valuable was taken.

The only thing that pointed to the fact this wasn't a crime of opportunity was the fact that Hahn's face was cut up. Since she was a plastic surgeon, every single one of her patients just turned into suspects.

Jane and Korsak headed to Hahn's private practice as Frost went back to the precinct to try to look into the digital records. Jane and Korsak tried to get access to Hahn's patient list, but of course they would demand a warrant. They headed back to the precinct and called to file for a warrant, hoping the offices would hurry up so they could continue with their investigation. Frost came out of the tech room with nothing more than the fact Melinda liked to buy antique coins on ebay.

So with nothing left to do for the day, Jane went down to the morgue to see if Maura wanted to come over and watch a movie. Or anything.

The morgue was almost completely dark, except for the emergency lights. The body was put away and the metal looked even harder in the cold light. The lab techs had gone home for the night and Pike and Maura were nowhere to be found. The office doors were locked and the lights were off, barely illuminated by the dock door lights.

Jane pulled out her phone and dialed Maura's number, but it went straight to voicemail. Jane would have been concerned about her friend, but lately, for the past couple months or so, Maura has made a habit of just turning off her phone, or putting it on 'do not disturb' setting.

"You've reached Doctor Maura Isles. I am not available at the moment, but please leave your contact information and a detailed message and I will return your call as soon as possible."

Maura's honey-smooth alto voice rang over the phone and jolted Jane back to the present. Jane felt an echo of an ache in her chest; she really missed that voice.

"Hey, Maur, it's Jane. I was just, uh, calling to see if you wanted to come over and catch a movie. You're probably in the shower or something, or taking a bath with your soothing scent stuff… I uh, I'll just come over, if that's alright? I'll bring Chinese and we can watch whatever. See you in a bit, at like, maybe five-thirty-ish? Bye."

Jane hung up and looked at her watch; it was only a quarter past three. Given, it was a slow day and there was really only one autopsy to be done…

Jane sighed and shook her head. She missed the days when Maura would stay until exactly five, or even later. Jane always knew where to find her because Maura was always in the same place, or somewhere with Jane. Maura was always around and Jane just missed those days…

Jane left the precinct, seeing she was the last of her friends to still be there. Frankie was doing beat work on the streets somewhere, and Frost and Korsak already went home, their blazers gone from their chairs. She went back to her apartment and took a shower, walked Jo, and settled on the couch in jeans and a t-shirt with a beer.

She sipped at it slowly as her mind wandered, but all trails of thoughts seemed to lead toward Maura, as they have been for a while. Jane closed her eyes and leaned her head back. Even though she saw Maura every day at work, and even most days after work, Jane couldn't help the feeling she really missed her. It was almost as if all Jane wanted to do was keep Maura next to her, hold her, never let her go, because what if something happens to her? Jane was fiercely protective of Maura, but there really isn't anything Maura needs protecting from.

Jane felt herself getting a little clingy lately though, like every time she was around Maura, all she wanted to do was just hold on to her. Or even when she wasn't around her, all she wanted to do was just _hold on _to her. Sometimes, it was even to the point of desperation where that was all she wanted to do. It was all she could think about and she would feel physical pain when she realized she couldn't actually go up to Maura and ask Maura to stay in her arms forever.

And she couldn't go up and ask Maura because…

Jane shook her head. Maura has no clue how much Jane has come to realize she needs Maura in her life. Jane feels absolutely crazy, but it's the truth. At least she's at the point now where she can admit it to herself. She doesn't have to hide behind a façade in her mind, because she's alone in her mind. No one judges her thoughts, and she can scream as loud as she wants about how much she wishes Maura were here.

But really, all Jane has to do is go over and see her. She's just a car drive away.

Jane used to hide away from how much she felt she needed Maura. As much as she looked at it, she tried to keep herself from moving toward something more. She didn't want anything more from Maura than to _feel _her, but that could be interpreted in so many ways and she didn't want her mind to go there. But now… now, Jane knows. But that's it; only Jane knows.

Jane's heart was beating faster and faster the more she thought about Maura. The ebbing feeling of pain and heartache mixed with fondness and friendship radiated through Jane's chest and Jane had to physically stop herself from falling over. This happens way too many times and Jane doesn't know how much more she can take. Every single time she feels like she's about to fall over, she has to pull herself back to her feet and she has to recompose herself and fix herself… and it's like a piece of her falls away every time she has to put herself back together. She doesn't know how much more of this she can take, or take alone, and Maura's not here. Because Jane knows it's a snowball's chance in hell she'll ever tell Maura. This isn't Maura's problem.

It's Jane's own clingy problem.

Jane looked at her watch. It was about four-thirty. She decided it would be a good time to order food so it would be ready when she drove by to pick it up. She dialed the familiar number and placed the order before putting on her shoes and heading across town.

She arrived at Maura's house a little after five-thirty carrying a big brown bag full of food.

She unlocked the door and kicked off her shoes. She was glad Maura finally listened to her and Angela's advice to get into the habit of locking her front door.

"Maura!" Jane shouted into the house. She heard the scuffle of feet across wood but knew immediately it wasn't Maura, a feeling of slight sadness filling her chest. She could recognize the sound of Maura's footsteps, with or without shoes on, and that fact alone made Jane blush with… super clinginess. She noticed Maura didn't wear heels in her home unless she'd just gotten in or was about to go somewhere, but Jane had gotten too hopeful to hear Maura's footsteps that she would always have to fall even harder when the footsteps turned out to not be Maura's.

Angela came walking down the hall and Jane sighed. Even though Jane knew it wasn't Maura, she still had her hopes up for a moment. She should've known better.

"Ma, you're always here," Jane commented, trying to keep accusation out of her voice.

Angela knew it was useless to argue with Jane about this point. She tried to tell Jane as simply as she could that she lived here now, but Jane wouldn't accept it. She'd tried to tell Jane many things, but Jane was so stuck in the past that she couldn't see anything in the present. The whole situation made Angela want to cry.

"I'm sorry, honey," Angela said, knowing that was the only way that seemed to make Jane want to change the topic.

"I was gonna watch a movie with Maura, or something." Jane said, holding up the bag of food and silently telling Angela they planned to eat that for dinner.

"Okay, Jane. I'll be… here." Angela said. Where exactly could she say she'd be, since there was really nowhere else Angela could go?

"Alright, Ma." Jane glanced into the kitchen and the living room, but didn't see a trace of Maura. "Maura in her bedroom?"

"I suppose so," Angela said. That was usually the place Jane found Maura.

"Alright. I'll see ya."

Jane made her way toward Maura's bedroom. She opened the door and saw Maura's bathroom door still open. Maura was standing in front of the bathroom mirror drying her hair. Her lavender-colored silk robe was tied at the waist and went down to her knees and swayed as Maura turned to look at Jane as she entered the bedroom.

"Hello." Maura greeted Jane with a smile.

"Hey, I brought food." Jane smiled as she came into the room. She didn't know when the transition happened that Maura allowed Jane to eat in her bedroom, but at some point in time, she did.

"Good," Maura said. Short, sweet, to the point, and in the smooth alto voice Jane loved to hear.

Jane's heart fluttered as a fleeting thought crossed her mind about how much she wanted to hold Maura. She shook her head clear of that thought.

"Movie?" Jane asked as she reclined down on her side of the bed.

"Documentary?" Maura suggested. She met Jane's eyes in the reflection of the mirror and gave her the brightest smile she could. Jane never wanted to say 'no' to that smile, or that woman. She knew that one day if she ever lost Maura, she would never have the chance to say 'yes' to her, and that was one day too soon and a chance Jane never wanted to lose.

"Sure."

Jane set up pillows behind her so she could sit up. She put her legs straight out and crossed them at the ankles. She pulled out a box of takeout as she watched Maura cross the room to her wardrobe. Maura reached into a drawer and gently took out a pair of black yoga pants and a blue sweater. She unfolded them and laid them on top of the bedroom vanity as she untied the front of her robe. Jane watched transfixed as Maura slid the robe off her shoulders, catching it in her hands and hanging it up on the hook on her dresser. Maura was wearing only black panties that fit smoothly around her butt and no bra. Jane watched dreamily as the toned muscles of Maura's back and arms as Maura slipped the sweater over her head and pulled it down her smooth skin. Maura crouched down a little to put her feet into the legs of the yoga pants and pulled the silky material up; Jane watched as the panties slipped over the skin as she bent down. She turned around and flashed a bright smile at Jane, noticing Jane was looking at her. Jane licked her lips quickly, and if Maura noticed, she didn't say. Maura carefully slid into her side of the bed, holding her hand out for Jane to hand her Maura's usual takeout box.

Jane handed Maura her takeout box and Maura grabbed the remote control from her bedside table drawer. She flicked on the TV and the channel was already on a documentary about some kind of animal.

Jane scoffed and turned her head toward Maura.

"Really?" She smiled so Maura knew she was just teasing.

Maura turned her head and shrugged. "What? I rarely ever watch other shows unless-"

"Tell that to the trailer trash Snooki show?" Jane jested.

"I watched that show once, Jane. And that was for ethnographic research."

Jane smirked. "Yeah, but you still watched it."

"I said I _rarely _ever watch other shows."

Maura got her there.

Jane stuck out her tongue and poked Maura with the other end of her chopstick.

"Hey!" Maura said, a laugh on the edge of her voice.

"That's for being a smartass." Jane smiled.

Maura leaned over and poked Jane's leg, hard.

"That's for calling me a smartass."

Jane nodded. "Uh huh, yeah. Clever comeback, Doctor Smartass."

Maura chuckled as she turned her attention back to the documentary. They ate in a comfortable silence for a while. As Jane finished her food, she glanced toward Maura out of the corner of her eyes, her own eyes suddenly filling with tears as a part of her seemed to die.

Maura sat there perfectly, as if there wasn't a doom hanging over them. Can Maura not feel it? Jane felt it every day of her life. Something was coming; something that was going to shatter them to pieces. It was going to rip into them and tear them to shreds, leaving behind broken pieces that neither can fix if they tried.

Jane's chest contracted and she barely stopped herself from grasping at herself, trying to tear the feeling of impending sorrow away from her. Maura noticed her flinch and set her nearly empty container to the side. She turned and placed her soft hand on Jane's cheek, Jane immediately leaning into the comforting touch. Why was it so cold?

"Jane, are you alright?"

Jane sniffed and closed her eyes tight. She nodded. "Yes… No. Maura," Jane breathed out the name as if it were her saving grace.

It was no secret to Jane how much she loved Maura. She loved Maura with her entire heart, her entire being. Every fiber of her being felt Maura in it and she wouldn't want to have it any other way. They were so finely attuned to each other it is so hard to believe that Maura could possibly not feel it too. Sometimes, Jane believed Maura returned the love she was feeling, but that was impossible. No one could possibly love her as much as she loved Maura.

Jane not only loved Maura, she was _in _love with Maura. So much so it was painful to live like this, with the dread looming over her every day for the past six months every moment she was conscious. She felt as if she couldn't breathe without Maura. It scared Jane shitless to be so desperately in love, but she couldn't help it. Jane ached for Maura, her closeness, her skin, her voice. She wanted to love Maura in the most raw of ways and yet, there was nothing Jane could do about it.

"Jane," Maura replied, worry evident in her eyes. Her thumb stroked over Jane's strong cheekbone, wiping away a stray tear.

Jane opened her eyes and looked into Maura's. Jane shook her head and took a deep breath, closing her eyes. She couldn't look at Maura without feeling the familiar stab of pain and loss.

"I love you," Maura whispered. "Did you know I'm in love with you?"

Jane's eyes didn't open. Her ears were playing tricks on her. Maura was going to disappear in a moment.

"Jane?" Maura asked. She tilted Jane's head up and moved her face closer to Jane's to look at her closer. "Jane, I'm in love with you. I will never leave you. You must know that."

"You never said…"

"I'm saying now."

"You never showed…"

"Let me show you."

"I love you too, Maura. So much." Jane released a sob. "It hurts so much."

"Let me make you better."

Maura moved in to kiss Jane but Jane pushed her back and down. An animalistic feeling arose in Jane, a growl echoing in her throat. Maura didn't have time to react when Jane lunged forward, attacking Maura's lips with her own.

Jane kissed Maura so hard it was impossible for their lips to not be bruised. Their hands grabbed at skin, yanked at clothing, held on desperately to each other's faces, and pulled at hair. Maura's knee knocked the remote off the bed, shutting it off, suddenly silencing the room except for the heavy panting coming from both women.

Jane collapsed onto Maura and pulled at the blonde's shirt, desperate to pull it up and off, needing to feel her skin. A sob wracked her body before she could move any further and Maura assisted, pulling her shirt up and over her head. She held Jane close and let her cry as her hands moved over Maura's skin. Jane buried her face in Maura's neck, biting at the soft skin, kissing every inch she could reach.

Maura reached for Jane and eased the shirt up and goose bumps rose wherever Maura's fingers trailed; over her abdomen, around to her back, up along her waist.

The hurt was still buried inside Jane, and Jane cried against Maura's cheek as they removed more clothing.

Sometimes, the pain of Maura was just too much to bear.

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**To be continued...**

**Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think, review or PM with concerns/questions/general comments. **


	4. Chapter 4

**This chapter picks up right where the last one left off. Note the M rating, please. It's also quite emotional on Jane's part, as will be the rest of this fic. But, enjoy!**

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Jane breathed heavily against Maura's shoulder, her eyes rolling toward the top of her head and shivers running through her body as they moved against each other. Their skin was slick with sweat and hot with the release of pent up emotions. Jane's hand was buried inside of Maura to her knuckles and Maura was bucking against her hand, trying to pull her in even more.

Maura gasped into Jane's ear every time she pushed in. She was hovering over Jane, holding herself up from her elbows and locking her hands behind the brunette's head, pulling the woman toward her.

They had fought for dominance as soon as their clothes were off, attacking each other and pushing, trying to gain the upper hand but also obtain as much skin contact as possible. Maura had used her knees to lock down Jane's arms as she attacked the detective's chest and neck with her tongue and lips. She sucked hard, feeling Jane squirm beneath her, trying to throw Maura off her. With an especially hard shove, Jane tossed Maura toward the headboard before attaching her lips to Maura's breast. Maura's legs slid open, allowing Jane to lay flush against her as their hands smoothed over each other's arms and legs. Maura put her legs around Jane's waist, holding her in her place. Maura shivered when Jane bit the swell of her breast and reached up to run a hand through her hair. Jane's fingers tangled in the small hairs at the base of Maura's skull and pulled her in for another searing kiss, and Maura took the opportunity to push Jane backward. Jane fell back on the bed, Maura quickly climbing on top of her and pulling her head toward her lips. Jane swiftly and suddenly entered Maura without a hitch, finding them in the position they were in now.

Maura was being pushed up and down with every thrust of Jane's hand and she kept going harder. Jane needed Maura to feel; feel something, feel anything. Can Jane transfer her feelings to Maura by pounding her fingers harder into the blonde? Jane bit down on Maura's shoulder and Maura cried out Jane's name as Jane pushed in a third finger, stretching Maura. Jane growled as Maura's inner walls clutched at her fingers, even as they were sliding in and out with ease.

"Maura, do you feel it?" Jane growled into Maura's ear.

Maura gasped, as Jane's hot breath washed over her. "I feel you," Maura breathed out between gasps as Jane's fingers drove into her and her palm slammed into the tiny bundle of nerves.

"No, that's not it, Maura," Jane said, slamming her eyes shut as she forced the blonde down on her fingers. Did Maura not feel it, feel the pain Jane was feeling, feel the sudden emptiness inside her heart, feel the stab in the heart every single time Jane looked at Maura? Why was Jane feeling any of this? Maura was here, Maura was with her, and Maura said she would never leave… then why does Jane feel so empty?

Maura yelped, spreading her legs wider on top of Jane and Jane kept plunging in, the sound of her fingers in Maura's wetness spurring her on. Maura's breasts were undulating in front of her face, her head thrown back in pleasure and slight pain as Jane's fingers moved hard and fast. Jane looked up and watched as Maura's mouth hung open in a silent scream, her breathing coming in gasps too fast to allow her to make a noise.

Jane knew it; this wasn't making love, but Jane wanted to make love to Maura and had always wanted to. She wanted to love Maura right, like she'd always imagined. She thought this first time of being with Maura would be soft and slow, not this rapid, furious fuck. Jane shut her eyes against the sudden fury against herself for not making love sweetly. This was hard fucking, and they both knew it.

"Please, Jane!" Maura screamed, her voice strained from the impending orgasm. Maura felt it building faster and faster; a low fire ignited in the pit of her stomach.

"Come, Maura! Feel me!" Jane growled, pushing her fingers in as hard and far in as she could.

Maura's back arched as her body froze, her head thrown back, the tips of her hair falling into the tracks of sweat down her neck and back. Jane watched as her face contorted in a mix of intense pleasure and extreme arousal, and suddenly, Maura exploded.

Maura shattered, her body launching itself up for a moment, her back arched, head back, her eyes screwed shut, her hair stuck to her sweaty neck and shoulders, and she cried out as her body shook as wave after wave of pleasure coursed through her body like fireworks. Her body was on fire and everything felt like puddy in Jane's hands, by Jane's touch.

"Jane!" Maura cried over and over. She was like a piston, unable to stop grinding against Jane's hand.

Jane kept pushing her fingers in and out, feeling Maura squeezing around her as she released, feeling the extra wetness flow into her palm. Maura swirled her hips with Jane's fingers, trying to increase the friction.

"More?" Jane asked gruffly.

"Yes," Maura breathed out into the room, grabbing onto Jane's arms to force herself down onto Jane's hand again.

Jane pushed in and out wildly a few times before pulling out quickly and flipping Maura onto the bed. Maura fell back with a surprised cry as her shaken body landed on the bed. Maura pushed herself up by her elbows and looked up in time to see Jane's face coming towards her and see Jane's hand going back toward her center. Jane pushed in two fingers and kissed Maura's lips again. Maura felt the salty track of dried tears on Jane's cheeks and reached up to brush them with her thumb, but Jane moved her head away and downward.

"No, stay up here, Jane," Maura begged, pulling Jane's face back toward her. Jane resisted, masking her face with her hair. "Let me kiss you, love."

Jane felt herself break and she moved back up to Maura's lips. They kissed as Jane's pace slowed inside Maura, but still pressed on and in with more force behind her thrusts. Jane separated their lips by a millimeter, feeling their lips brush each time she pushed in and out of Maura. Maura's entire body moved, coming down onto Jane's fingers and grasping her arms to anchor her in place. Maura's lips brushed Jane's and Jane could feel the hot breaths and gasps and smiles as Maura's climax was building. Her walls became tighter around Jane's fingers and Jane flattened her palm against Maura's clit, feeling the tiny bud harden under her hand.

Maura crashed over the edge again, screaming out Jane's name with a hoarse voice and smile on her face. Jane attached her lips to Maura's neck and sucked hungrily, almost sure to leave a mark. She bit the skin as lightly as she could manage as she felt Maura tense and release beneath her.

"Oh god, Jane! So good, so good," Maura said as she came down, her body shuddering with the powerful aftershocks. Maura's chest was dripping with sweat and Jane was also from exertion. Jane removed her fingers from Maura's body and sucked them into her mouth, licking them clean, savoring the taste as even better than she fantasized, before trailing them down her own stomach in a hurry. She slid the two fingers into herself and started grinding against her hand as she crashed her lips onto Maura's. She was so built up from watching Maura writhe against her hand it didn't take more than a few seconds to push Jane over the edge as well. She moaned and cursed into Maura's mouth and tried to pull away, but Maura held Jane's face to hers like a lifeline. Jane shook against Maura, latching her lips onto Maura's. Maura moaned into Jane's mouth, tasting herself on Jane's lips.

When Jane withdrew her fingers Maura quickly grasped her wrist and brought her fingers up to her own lips. Jane watched as Maura's lips wrapped around her fingers and laved them with her tongue. Maura looked to Jane with hooded eyes and hummed as if Jane was the best thing she'd ever tasted. Jane pulled her fingers away and replaced the spot with her own lips.

"Fuck, you're sexy," Jane moaned into Maura's mouth, dipping her tongue inside.

They kissed heatedly for a few more minutes, waiting for their bodies to calm down from the extreme high. Their bodies stuck together as the sweat dried and the brushed away the tracks with their fingers, letting their hands roam freely over each other's bodies.

Jane laid them down, rolling her hips against Maura's, still coming down. She smiled against Maura's lips, playfully pulling at the plump bottom one. Maura giggled and brought her hands up to cup Jane's face. Maura wrapped her legs around Jane and pulled them close together, their heated centers barely touching. Jane felt so blissfully at home in Maura's embrace she almost forgot her own misery.

Jane felt the turmoil return and slam back into her like a two-ton truck. She tried to not let it show on her face; she didn't want to ruin Maura's happy moment with Jane's sad one. Jane turned her head and rested it on Maura's chest, wrapping her arms around her waist as the blonde wrapped her arms around Jane's shoulders.

Jane willed herself not to cry, but oh, she wanted to.

The release of emotions after _fucking _Maura. It infuriated her. Their first time was always meant to be love, not a wild fuck. Their first time was supposed to be careful, not sloppy and rushed. Their love making was supposed to be gently and loving, not rough. Jane hated herself for not being able to keep control of her actions.

Jane thought back to her fantasies, of the lonely nights when Maura would be on a date with _other people, _or just unavailable to spend time with Jane_. _She thought about touching herself the way she vowed to touch Maura, make her come undone with slow, loving movements. Jane would build her up slowly, kiss her slowly, savor each new thing she discovered about Maura, and they would love each other sweetly, kiss sweetly, and the heat would still be there, but the heat would be soft.

Jane wanted to roll over an apologize to Maura but she knew it would do no good; what's done is done. And Maura… seemed to enjoy it. She wanted to look into Maura's eyes as she made love to her, not hide her face away in her lover's neck and grunt with exertion. Maura was so beautiful, and Jane wanted to see the moment when Maura's love was returned in such a passionate way as they should have shared. Fucking was never supposed to be part of the plan, and definitely was not meant to be how they shared their first moment.

Jane loved Maura so much it was almost unbearable, but she wanted to rip herself away and protect herself. She knew; she just _knew _Maura was leaving. Something inside her knows Maura isn't going to be there forever, and there was absolutely nothing she could do to keep her. There is nothing she could do to stop the inevitable, and the inevitable is Maura's departure.

Jane wanted to know where Maura would retreat to when she left, and when she would leave. She wanted more time, more Maura, more everything, because these moments with Maura aren't enough. With everything they've been through together, they deserve more time. They deserve a life time of each other, and Jane thinks she deserves a lifetime with Maura in it. Maura loves her too, that much is true, that much Jane knows. Will Maura want Jane forever?

Obviously not, because Jane knows Maura is going to leave.

Jane tightened her hold on Maura, not letting the smaller woman move out of her touch. She pressed her head to Maura's chest, looking for a trace of happiness, needing to hear the heartbeat of the woman she loves so dearly, but can never have. There wasn't a heartbeat Jane could find, and she looked up. Maura felt the shift and looked down at Jane, smiling, before kissing her gently on the forehead.

"I love you."

Jane couldn't return the sentiment, couldn't look Maura in the eye right at the moment. She nodded, turning her face into Maura's chest. She felt cold, as if she weren't lying in Maura's arms. She could feel the dry tear tracks on her face as she bit her lip. Jane licked her lips and tasted a trace of Maura and internally groaned. This rough fucking was not how their love should have shown. She doesn't even know what came over her. She just had to have her, fast and furious, and know Maura was there.

Because what if Maura left? What if she disappeared? What if she was gone tomorrow? What if they never had another moment together, or another chance?

Jane felt like she was going crazy. She shouldn't be thinking about all this. Why were all of these thoughts suddenly an issue? She felt crazy… schizophrenic, or bipolar, or something. Maura could probably give her a diagnosis, but like hell she would ask Maura to diagnose her.

_Maura, I feel crazy, and insecure, and I don't know what's going on. I need help. _

Jane just held Maura until she felt the blonde's breathing even out. Was she asleep?

_Maura, I'm so lonely, and so in love with you. _

Jane knew the guilt was going to be here, and that guilt felt familiar. It's that weighty guilt that always came when Jane thought of Maura, especially after…

Jane's eyes shot open. No, that's not what happened. No. Maura is right here.

"I love you," Jane whispered hoarsely, her voice thick with unshared emotions.

Maura nodded, pressing a kiss to any skin of Jane's she could reach. Jane felt a shiver run down her body from pure love, but goddamnit, she could never voice it, and never be able to convey her feelings. Maura would never understand.

"I know," Maura said back.

Jane paused, breathing in, holding in the urge to explain her feelings, her worries, however inarticulate she may be.

"I'm so sorry."

Jane felt Maura tense beneath her, but just for a moment. Jane was struck with a moment of worry. Was sorry enough? She had lost control, she didn't treat Maura the way she deserved. She hid herself from Maura, she shut Maura out from her. She can't tell Maura the truth. She can't talk about her worries. She can't beg Maura to stay, but she wants to so bad. She can't convince her to stay with her forever, but if she could, she'd never let Maura go.

Maura sighed, and Jane's heart sank as well. She could never read Maura anymore.

"Don't apologize. You have nothing to apologize for."

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**Hope you liked it! Let me know your precious thoughts (and I do read every single review, but I don't reply to stuff because this is a multi-chapter fic and I don't want to give anything away). Thanks for reading! Stay tuned for more. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you for the overwhelming amount of feedback -sarcasm font- seriously, guys, let me know what you think! This _has_ to be more than just a "really sad story" that's making you all cry. C'mon guys!**

******So here's the next chapter. **It has some happy moments in it but it starts out kinda rough. Hope you like it!

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Jane opened her eyes and she was cold. Physically and emotionally.

The rest of the night was spent in bed, Jane lying in Maura's embrace, trying to envelope the other woman in as much comfort as possible. As confused and tired and overwhelmed Jane was, she would still do anything to keep Maura from experiencing anything.

Jane would shield her from the world.

If Hoyt attacked again, she would make sure Maura didn't have to get involved. She would make sure her little medical examiner was safe in her home with locked doors, windows, and armed guards at every entry, with backups at the ready.

If a dirty cop every infiltrated the precinct again, Jane would be there to make sure Maura didn't get in the middle of it. She would go straight down to the morgue, screw any drug-addict witness who says they can I.D. the shooter. She'd cover Maura and make sure any bullets that went through her would not also penetrate Maura. Even though that was damn near impossible, Jane would do everything in her power to stop it. She would jump in front of a thousand bullets if it meant this wonderful asset to the human race would remain alive for another day.

She would keep Maura safe this time.

Jane looked to her side and saw Maura next to her, still asleep. She looked so peaceful. Her hair was brushed back from her face like she personally adjusted it. Her smooth lips were closed, her jaw smooth and relaxed. Jane's eyes trailed down the sharp curve of Maura's nose, to the bump of her lips, around her chin, down her neck to that small patch of skin she could see move with every breath Maura took. She could see the skin beat, almost like she could see the pulse. The more she stared, the harder it became to see the little movements until it seemed as if Maura wasn't alive at all.

Her eyes closed automatically, shielding the force of the wave of emotion that crashed over her. It was back, again; that nagging feeling that never went away. The more she tried to push it out of her mind, the more it came back, and the harder it came back. She could never escape and it was crushing her.

She launched herself toward Maura, grabbing the woman by the shoulders. She expected her grasp to wake Maura, but the woman's eyes remained closed. She shook Maura hard, willing a movement from her, or anything. Jane pressed her ear into Maura's chest, desperately searching for a heartbeat, for the wind of a breath. Nothing came.

Jane opened her mouth, shouting and screaming, begging Maura to come back to her while shaking her shoulders, hoping to jolt Maura awake.

"Maura!"

Jane shot up in bed, her eyes wild, sweat dripping down her neck like a waterfall. Her hands were grabbing at the air in front of her but found nothing. Her heart was beating like she just ran a marathon and she could hardly breathe, like she was suffocating. She turned her head to Maura so quickly she wouldn't be surprised if she got whiplash.

"Maura!" Jane shouted out roughly, her voice rough from her fear-tightened throat.

Maura's eyes lazily opened, revealing the golden green to Jane's own dark eyes. Jane felt her entire body tense and then relax, like a bowstring suddenly released.

"Oh thank god!" Jane collapsed on top of Maura, holding the other woman as close as she could. She nuzzled her face and lips into Maura's neck, smelling the perfume of the doctor and tasting the light salt of her own tears as they dripped from her eyes. Jane let out a shuddering breath as Maura's arms snaked around her, the touch barely there, tentative, unsure if Jane was ready to be touched at the moment.

"Jane, what's wrong?"

"I had a dream again. No-not a dream, a fucking nightmare." Jane cried softly, not bothering to hide the hiccups of taking painful breaths. "I woke up and –and you were dead." Jane closed her eyes and breathed in Maura.

"Shhh, baby, it's okay," Maura cooed, smoothing down Jane's hair. Jane curled her body into Maura's welcoming the soft embrace and sudden comfort she felt. Everything felt so good in Maura's arms, why couldn't Jane have told Maura she loved her earlier? All that wasted time.

If Maura had died in the shooting, she would have gone on forever, wondering what it would be like to hold her, what would it have been like to smell her perfume, what her skin tasted like? She would have never seen the look on Maura's face as she pushed her over the edge, or hear her name being called out in Maura's climax-strangled voice.

Maura, beautiful Maura, would never have known. Jane would never be able to see that face again except in memories and pictures. She would have torn herself apart searching for a way to bring Maura back to her, even though she knew it was impossible.

She should have told Maura she loved her right then, in her living room almost a year and a half ago. Hoyt was controlling another apprentice and Maura volunteered to stay up the night. Maura picked up that gun and positioned her arms as Jane told her so, the look of utter concentration on her beautiful face. Jane laughed and took back her gun. _As much as she loved her, she wasn't going to let her accidentally shoot something. _That was the moment. It wouldn't have been such a big deal, but Jane realized it was. That was the moment she realized she loved Maura more than anything in her life before. She was so in love with Maura it was almost staggering, and Jane needed to sleep off the crawling ache for the woman.

And Maura stayed up the entire night.

If Jane let Maura slip through her fingers, she would have fought herself every day. Peace would never be a thing inside her mind ever again, and she would never be able to look at herself anymore and not feel a flush of disgusted anger… not unlike the way she feels about herself now.

If Maura died, she would have gone on her entire life regretting everything.

"Maura, please don't hate me." Jane was not above begging while she cried into Maura's neck. Or rather, not anymore.

"Why would I hate you?"

"I let you down," Jane mumbled. Still, Maura didn't see it. At times, Jane could hardly see it either. She was fighting so hard to keep everything at bay.

"You didn't let me down."

"Do you hate me?"'

"I could never hate you," Maura whispered.

Jane laid in Maura's arms for a few minutes, reacquainting herself with the woman, allowing their bodies to mold together. It was comforting, being this close to Maura.

"I should go get ready for work," Jane mumbled, her brain finally worn out from emotions. She remembered they had work, and the thought made her inwardly groan. She also became aware of the fact she didn't bring an overnight bag, which is ridiculous, since most times Jane comes over, she stays over.

"Yes, I suppose I should as well," Maura said.

Jane lifted her head and glanced at the clock. She had two hours before she needed to get to the precinct. She normally didn't need more than half an hour to get ready, but she knew Maura would use the full two hours. She also knew Maura would put off those two hours if Jane wanted to stay close to her still. Maura loved her so much, and Jane knew it. Why didn't she see it before?

"I'll let you get ready," Jane said as she untangled herself from Maura's arms. She planted her feet as firmly as she could on the floor next to the bed, trying to convince herself to stay steady. _Don't fall over now, Jane._

Jane glanced back behind her, a small smile tugging at her lips. Maura propped herself up with her elbows, her hair messy, the blanket pooling around her waist. Jane thought she looked beautiful.

"I'll see you at work." Jane remained stoic as she strode out of the room quickly, forcing her eyes forward. She knew if she looked back at Maura, she would keep them here all day, forever, for the rest of their lives. Maura's bedroom was the safest place they could be together.

Jane quickly drove to her apartment. Once inside, she showered, washing the traces from last night away. With every pass of her washcloth, she could feel the burden of the day being laid over it. As the romance of the last twelve hours washed away, the weight of her worries splashed over her. Jane closed her eyes as she fought the urge to tip her face back and let the burning water splash into her lungs. She needed to feel the pain because she deserved the pain. She deserved everything that happens to her because she fails at almost everything else.

Jane Rizzoli: a failure.

She shut the water off and let the droplets drip off her body and onto the shower tiles. She braced her hands against the wall, as if holding herself up. She watched as the few droplets gathered and streamlined into the drain. Her wet hair clung to her back and felt heavy on her head as she turned her face to look at the scar on her right hand.

She was jolted painfully back to the memories and they flashed in front of her eyes like lightning. She was in the basement, in the van, in the prison hospital room. He was pinning her to the cold concrete, the metal floor, or the edge of the uncomfortable hospital bed. He was stabbing the scalpels through her hand, holding up another to her neck, slicing in. Jane could almost feel the warm liquid drip down the column of her neck with every pulse and her left hand shot to her neck, to check that the blood wasn't actually pouring out of her with every quick beat of her heart. She pulled her hand away to take a hard look at it, the steam in the shower obscuring her vision but leaving her determined to see it was all just a memory. Was she still dying?

No, that was just the water dripping from her hair.

Hoyt is dead, Hoyt is dead, Hoyt is dead.

Jane had to repeat it to herself from time to time, when the throbbing in her hand became too strong to bear, or the worried voice in the back of her mind told her to look over her shoulder.

Hoyt is dead.

She killed him. He hurt Maura and she killed him. Hoyt kept laughing at her, asking her where her little medical examiner was now? "What happened to that pretty lady you loved so much, Janie?" Jane could see the Hoyt's hands on Maura's neck and she snapped, pushing everything out of her way until she could tackle Hoyt to the ground. Everything was a blur and she suddenly felt the pool of blood around her fists as they drove the scalpel into Hoyt's chest. Korsak had to pull her to her feet and she tried to turn to see Maura. She could only see all the prison guards and other police officers rushing in, but something in her told her she protected Maura.

She might have shouted out Maura's name, but she can't remember. Korsak pulled her to him, hugging her close as Jane cried, suddenly feeling the burden of Hoyt finally being lifted off her shoulders. She let out ragged breaths against Korsak's jacket; the jacket of the man who had saved her the first time.

Hoyt is dead.

She paid her debt forward by saving Maura this time.

Hoyt is dead.

She curled her hands into fists and released them; an old trick she used to do when she felt stressed. It's like… letting go.

There's no letting go now.

Jane got out of the shower and dried her hair enough to put it in a ponytail and not have it drip down her back. She pulled on underwear and a t-shirt, not bothering with pants right now. She still had an hour to kill.

She stood in the middle, next to the island, wondering if she was in the mood for breakfast today. If Maura were here, she'd probably make Jane eat something. God, Maura was adamant about keeping Jane healthy and shit. Jane looked in her cupboard for a bowl and a box of cereal, but suddenly remembered she hadn't bought milk in a couple weeks… she'd rather not eat cereal with spoiled milk, or dry cereal.

Eh, she'd pick up a bagel on the way. Or something.

Jane went to her dresser and pulled out black slacks and a blazer and a light blue button up shirt. Maura seemed to like this one. Jane smirked to herself and bit her tongue. Why was she suddenly dressing to impress Maura? It's not like they see each other much during the day. If they catch a case, Pike is usually the one that goes to the scene, meanwhile Maura's whereabouts are a mystery. If there's an autopsy to be done, Maura usually sets it upon Pike to do it. Jane could never understand why, and she'd asked Maura once, and Maura just said she was busy with other things. Busy with what? That's a medical examiner's _job. _

Jane sighed. This reminded her: she needs to try to get the patient list for their current case and follow up on some info they got from the tech leads yesterday. Sometimes work was just… work.

Jane drove to the precinct, deciding to forgo breakfast. She walked past the security gates, flashing her badge at the man at the desk and quickly made her way to the elevator. She took out her phone to check the time, hoping she came in before her mother, when suddenly –

"Jane!"

Jane groaned.

"Yeah, Ma?" Jane gritted through her teeth, turning her body to face her mother coming out of the Division One Café.

"How are you?" Angela asked cautiously. She lowered her chin and widened her eyes, waiting for her daughter's response.

"Alright. Tired, I guess," Jane said. She shrugged and looked skeptically at Angela's odd facial expression. "What?"

"N-nothing… How was… Maura?"

"She's good, Ma." Jane tried to hide her smirk from her mother. She wondered if she should tell her.

"I, uh… heard you last night." Angela stood still, waiting for Jane's response. As awkward as it was to have heard her own daughter in the midst of the… uh… sexy times, she felt so much pain and confusion about it. She wanted an explanation but how does she get Jane to talk about it?

Jane's face drained of all blood and a suddenly blinding wall of embarrassment hit her face.

"Um… yeah." Jane didn't know what to say. She pressed her lips into a line and her eyes went wide, waiting for her mother's reaction.

"Were you… with…?" Angela was waiting for Jane to fill in the blank.

"With…?" Jane was doing the same thing.

"Someone we… know?"

"… yes…?"

"Does… _her" _Jane didn't object to the pronoun. "… name… rhyme with…" Angela had to think quickly. There's a reason why she's not a poet. "… Dora?"

Jane would have laughed if the situation wasn't so completely humiliating.

"… Yes." Jane just wanted to get away from the conversation as quickly as possible. "Uh, I've got work to do." Jane's hand inched forward toward the elevator button. They maintained eye contact as Jane pressed the button, as if one of them were to strike out and attack if Jane looked toward the button.

"Oh, right. Um, well, have a good day honey!" Angela said, pulling her daughter in for a quick hug. Jane had no time to object.

"Yeah, you too, Ma." Jane stepped into the elevator as it dinged open. Angela waved as the door closed and Jane let out a frustrated groan. That had to be the most awkward situation of her life.

The rest of the day was filled with moving from place to place, interviewing colleagues and friends. They came up with a possible lead, a patient who's plastic facial thingy ended her with partial facial paralysis. She apparently came into the office and the secretary had to call the cops to get her to leave. Korsak had put in a warrant for the patient list the day before and was currently arguing with the judge, trying to prove the necessity of the patient list. That was the only lead they had, that's all they could go on, they needed the list.

Meanwhile Jane and Frost went to the angry patient's home, the one who had come in ranting and raving. Melissa Carter, high class, married with children, early forties.

"Why do women in their early forties even _need _facial correction junk?" Jane asked as they pulled up in front of the lavish home.

"Who knows? She probably needed somewhere to burn her money," Frost replied.

As it turns out, Mrs. Carter wasn't home. Jane immediately called Korsak, check if any new charges appeared on her cards. Korsak called them back while they were on the road, said there was no activity since yesterday morning. Jane asked for her plates and checked the driveway, confirming that Carter's car was not there. She told Korsak to put out a bolo and her and Frost headed back to the precinct to regroup.

Six hours later, a patrol cop spotted the grey suv and called it in. Jane told him to tail and keep track of her movements as they met them there. Jane and Frost pulled up to the street over from the car and found Melissa Carter walking along the street with sunglasses and a scarf over her head. It wouldn't have looked so odd had it not been six at night with the sun nearly set. When Jane and Frost approached, Melissa abruptly stopped and looked for an exit, but found none. She came back to the precinct quietly and confessed, the fake tears not nearly convincing enough for Jane to believe her motives for murder.

To be honest, Jane expected this case to be a little more dramatic, but whatever. It was an easy open and shut case.

Jane was doing paperwork for the next hour and effectively kept Maura and her mother out of her mind until right then, when she heard the familiar click of heels coming up the hallway. She perked up, not having seen Maura all day, and looked around, looking toward the entrance to the bullpen, but saw no one. Her face fell. She swore she heard Maura's heels.

"You okay there, partner?" Frost asked, glancing up from his paperwork. They were sitting by the light of their desk lamps, their coworkers already headed home for the day. When people didn't have tough cases, they were able to work a normal work day and not carry home the weight of anything. It was nice that way.

Jane missed those times.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just thought I heard Maura coming up." Jane shrugged and looked back down to her paperwork. Frost pursed his lips, his eyes shifting toward the hallway, and then looked back at Jane. Sometimes he wished he could just grab her shoulders and shake her and wake her up. He wondered how angry Frankie and Angela would be with him if he did that.

Jane felt his eyes on her and looked up.

"Can I help you?" There was no bite in her voice, but Frost felt a sting.

"Nah, just… thinking."

"Well, could you do that without… staring at me?" Jane suggested.

"Just admiring a beautiful lady," Frost said, leaning back.

"Ha," Jane said humorlessly, concentrating back on her work.

"Any plans for tonight?"

"Not sure… I think I need to go talk to Maura. We kinda… well, we just need to talk."

"Oh."

"Oh what?"

"Nothing, Jane. Just uh, have fun with that."

"Yeah okay."

Jane looked back down at her file and finished the last couple of reports, closing the folder with a snap and standing up to drop it in Cavanaugh's office. She grabbed her jacket off the back of her chair and hung it over her arm.

"See you tomorrow," she called to Frost as she headed out the door.

During work, she can shut off her personal problems, but alone in her car, she's left with her mind. She's good with compartmentalization now, because she realized if she wanted to stay sane she needed to be able to put things aside. She could leave her life at home, at home, and she could leave her work at work. But now, in her car, she gets all her home thoughts returned to her.

She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself and her thoughts. Her mind was buzzing and suddenly it was screaming at her. She clenched her fists and her jaw. This was not an unusual thing for her, to reach the solitude of her car and be bombarded with _life_. This was her own fault anyway. She let her mind get out of control, she let her worries consume her. She let insecurities and fear creep into her life and grab her by the neck. Everything was suffocating her and Jane let it happen, and now she can't get rid of it. This was her own fault.

She took another deep breath, trying to clear her mind. Clearing her mind was so much easier when she could concentrate on it, not like last night when she was… distracted.

She pulled out her phone and dialed Maura's cell phone number. She knew Maura would have been home for a while and she wanted to see if it was okay with Maura if Jane just… went home to sleep. She was so tired; she was always tired lately. She didn't think Maura would mind so much, Maura's always telling her to take care of herself better and get more sleep.

"You've reached Doctor Maura Isles. I am not available at the moment, but please leave your contact information and a detailed message and I will return your call as soon as possible."

Jane hung up. She should just go over there, just really quickly. There was a part of her that wanted to talk, despite her tiredness. There was a large part of her that wanted to see Maura and make sure she was alright, and just _see _her, and make sure she's still there. Jane didn't think she would run away in the night, but she just… wanted her best friend. And, Jane supposed now, lover.

Jane drove to Maura's house and let herself in, making her way back to Maura's room. Maura was lounging on the bed in her silky pajamas, her hair tied in a ponytail. Her face was clean of makeup and she looked tired, like Jane, but still happy. Unlike Jane.

Jane knocked and poked her head in. Maura looked up from the book in her hands and smiled and Jane felt her heart swell with something she felt was missing for so long.

"Hey," Jane said.

"Hello," Maura said. She sat up further and patted the bed next to her, inviting Jane to sit down. Maura set her book on the night stand as Jane moved over to Maura's side of the bed. She sat on the edge and noticed Maura's quizzical expression.

"I'm not going to stay long, I'm _super_ tired right now," Jane said, smiling lazily. She felt so easy right now, very unlike yesterday.

Jane kicked herself mentally. Her mood swings were also a thing about herself that was getting on her nerves.

"Oh, Jane, you shouldn't have come," Maura said, reaching out to pat Jane's arm. Jane smiled at the soft touch, her body feeling grounded by the simplicity of the gesture of affection.

"I wanted to see you, and talk about last night."

Maura's hand stilled for a moment before pulling away slowly. Jane grabbed her hand quickly and held it to her heart.

"I'm not saying I regret it at all, Maura. I love you, and I've wanted to… feel you for so long."

Maura smiled reassuringly. "I love you too, and I'm really glad we did it."

Jane smirked. "We did it."

Maura pinched Jane with her other hand. "And you're twelve."

Jane smiled down at her lap, squeezing Maura's hand.

"I just wish I was… gentler. Calmer, you know? I love you, and I wanted it to feel like I love you. Not like… what happened."

"Jane," Maura said sternly enough to get Jane's attention. Jane looked up into Maura's deep eyes. "There was nothing wrong with how it happened last night. You're such a romantic, Jane, even if you don't think so. You have an idea of the perfect night in your head, and I admire you for that, but you cannot hate yourself for reality defying what you fantasized. Last night was beautiful, Jane. I promise." Jane smiled down at their hands. "Although next time, I would like to be the one to make you climax." She laughed lightheartedly and Jane couldn't help the smile coming up on her face. "You are beautiful, and last night was perfect. To me."

Jane searched Maura's eyes, looking for sincerity. Maura smiled reassuringly, the smile highlighting her eyes. The golden green shining in the light of the bedroom lamp made everything so real and beautiful and just like a dream. Jane nodded.

"Okay." Jane smiled. "I love you."

"I love you too."

Jane leaned in and gave Maura a soft kiss on her lips.

"I should probably get home," Jane murmured, her lips brushing Maura's with every word.

"You could stay here, Jane. You're always welcome here."

"I know," Jane said. She looked down, feeling guilty that she didn't want to stay. How could she politely tell Maura she would rather just sleep… alone right now? She felt a twang in her heart because she didn't want to hurt Maura, even the slightest.

"You don't have to stay, Jane. Go home." Maura smiled and nodded reassuringly.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. You surely don't think I must spend every waking moment with you, do you?" Maura joked.

Jane chuckled. "Nah."

"Go home."

Jane kissed Maura once more before moving to stand up, dropping Maura's hand only at the last possible moment. She turned back toward the interior of the room when she reached the door and smiled at Maura.

"Love you." Jane said.

"Love you." Maura smiled. "Goodnight."

Jane left the house and drove back to her own apartment in a good mood. She knew it wouldn't last, but she was going to feel good while she could. She stripped out of her clothing quickly and flopped onto bed, spreading out her arms and legs and welcoming the feeling of the soft bed.

For the first time in a long time, Jane fell asleep without a worry wrinkling her brow or a fearful thought in her mind.

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**Well let me know what you think this time. Don't hold back! Thanks for reading, more coming soon.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Yay new chapter! Annd, the action starts.**

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Jane moaned softly, her hand working slowly under the covers.

She imagined Maura on her back, hair splayed across the pillows, hands grasping at Jane's hair. Jane was between her legs, licking Maura off into oblivion. Her tongue darted out quickly, spreading the soft folds and lapping up the wetness that never ceased to flow. Maura was groaning and panting Jane's name, burying her fingers in the long, wild locks and spurring her on even more. Jane loved the sounds Maura made, in her own fantasies and from the night before. She could taste Maura's essence again and again in her mind, reliving the moment when she first drove Maura to her orgasm.

Jane's fingers sped up inside her panties as she imagined using her lips to massage Maura's clit, sucking and pressing and making the woman beneath her writhe and squeeze her legs around Jane's head. Jane smiled, unrelenting. She felt Maura buck into her and she pulled away, kissing up Maura's thigh, to her hip, her waist, her breasts. Maura groaned when she pulled away and tried to pull her back down but Jane insisted on moving up. She kissed each nipple before moving to drag her lips over Maura's collarbones. As her lips came down on Maura's, Jane's fingers entered her, hard and fast. Maura came undone easily in her fantasy as Jane brought herself to the edge with her own fingers.

Jane lay panting on the bed, her body vibrating from the self-induced orgasm. She pulled her fingers out of her panties and wiped them on the inside of her thigh. Jane had a good night's sleep for once, the weight of the world finally seeming to get a little less heavy. Is all of that due to the fact she finally told Maura she loved her? Or is it because Maura returned that love? Jane crinkled her nose. If this love is gonna make her mushy… eh, she didn't give a shit. She was happier now, and that was worth it.

Jane woke up in the early hours of the morning, realizing just how badly she wanted Maura at the moment. She didn't want to call and wake Maura, knowing the blonde was probably asleep still, and she didn't want to drive all the way over there just so she could make love to her.

Make love to her. That's what Jane wanted to do next time.

Jane smiled at the thought. She was quickly turned on by the thought of Maura she had to take care of herself, which she had no problem doing. It was a routine for her before, not that she would admit she fantasized about her best friend. But now… now, she was fantasizing about her lover.

Jane smiled as she rolled out of bed and walked toward the bathroom for a shower. Today was going to be a good day; she could feel it.

An hour later, Jane showed up at her desk with a coffee in her hands and her hair in a ponytail. Her usual swagger was stronger than ever because today, she was feeling really good. She sat down and pulled out paperwork from the past week she decided she should catch up on, a small smile still evident on her face. Frost entered the room soon after her and noticed Jane's mood shift immediately, Korsak glancing up to meet his skeptical stare.

"Uh, Jane? You okay there? You're looking a little…" Frost trailed off, searching his vocabulary for an adequate adjective. He moved toward his desk and sat down.

"Happy," Korsak offered.

Frost rolled his eyes. "Yeah, Korsak, she looks happy. But- I'm just saying- I hadn't seen you so relaxed in... months."

"I'm feeling good today, Frost. Today's the first time in a long time that I woke up feeling decent."

Frost and Korsak exchanged glances from their respective desks before turning to study Jane again.

"How's…" Frost had to be careful with this question. "How's M-Maura?" He always felt a sting when he said her name. Korsak's eyes widened and he looked like he was about to tackle Frost. Frost tilted his head down and knitted his brows together, telling him to wait a minute before Korsak killed him.

"She's pretty good. We talked last night, and I think we're good." Jane smiled, her eyes downcast, and nodded to herself.

Korsak leaned back and sighed in a slight understanding. Frost noticed the resigned look on Korsak's face and was more than positive the look was reflected in his own eyes.

"How… how is she?" Frost asked cautiously, his voice low and soothing. The sadness was nearly impossible to detect but Korsak heard it. Korsak wondered if Jane could.

"She's doing well, man. Like always. Why don't you go down and ask her yourself?" Jane joked, turning her face to look at her partner. "The dead bodies aren't gonna kill you, you know."

The joke wasn't funny, but Frost chuckled anyway out of good spirit. He clasped his hands in front of him on the desk and nodded, tight-lipped. "Yeah, I know they're not. They just make me feel like I might vomit up last night's dinner." Frost glanced at Korsak out of the corner of his eyes, trying to get him to join in the conversation. It's been a while since the three of them have been able to joke around like old friends like this, with Jane being so close to being Jane from before.

"Oh. Oh yeah, or you're just a big sissy," Korsak laughed and gave Frost his best 'I tried' look. Frost shrugged. They couldn't bounce jokes off each other and they couldn't snip at each other like they used to. The trio's dynamic was always off nowadays.

"I hear you're spending a lot of time at her house," Korsak continued. Unlike Frost, he just couldn't say her name anymore.

Jane groaned. Who is giving people all this info on where I spend my time! First, Frankie apparently got a call from Ma, and now you two are being," Jane searched for the right word. "Nosy."

"You used to spend a lot of time there, right?" Korsak continued again, trying to dig himself out of a hole.

"Yeah, and I never got questioned by you two, _or _my ma." Jane picked up her coffee and drank some of the warm liquid, letting it calm her nerves. Why were the guys and everyone getting onto her case about Maura? Something nagged at Jane, telling her she knew why, but hell. She's not going to think about that today.

"I just-" Korsak cut himself off. He doesn't know what to say to Jane anymore. "She's really pretty." Korsak settled on that, taking a moment to bring up the doctor's beautiful face in his mind. Frost looked at him and mouthed _what the fuck?_

"She is. She's beautiful." Jane agreed. She nodded, leaning back in her chair and letting her eyes fall onto the open file on her desk.

Frost and Korsak glanced at each other again. What does this all mean? They wished they could do something to help, to fix everything, but so far, no one has found any way to help. This whole thing started a few months ago, at least three months after… that day. Just one day, Jane came in, a little happier than usual. She seemed like she finally moved on, but then she started talking like nothing changed.

Everyone in the precinct found out over time, and they all steered clear of her, or they knew they would get a mouthful from Frost or Korsak, or even Cavanaugh. They chose to let her get by with herself and to not bring anything up. They warned everyone, and everyone was kind. Cavanaugh had difficulty with his decision to keep Jane on active duty, but nothing changed about her closure rate, or her ability to do her job. It was just something out of work to deal with, like a hobby or sport. He promised Mrs. Rizzoli that if anything happened about this, Jane would be out. They can't get Jane to get help, though, because that argument ended in a shouting match in the Rizzoli kitchen with Jane storming out and screaming, "I'm not fucking crazy."

Sometimes Frost and Korsak, and nearly everyone else in the precinct who knew Jane was an asset to this department, looked back and tried to think if there was anything that could have been done differently. Would things end up the same, or would everything work out?

Jane hated for people to feel sorry for her, but that seemed to become the norm. They couldn't look her in the eye and treat her the same, so they avoided her. They couldn't watch her walk in or out of a room without thinking about what could possibly be going on in that head of hers. Everything seemed to be falling apart inside Jane and no one could do anything to help.

Not her ex-partner, who saved her from Hoyt all that time ago. He stormed down to the basement as soon as he figured it out and got her out, alive, but scarred. He sees all that scarring that's built up now, but he can't fix it. He protected her, but now he can't anymore.

Not her current partner, who was her new lifeline after she requested a new partner. Even though they clicked immediately and became fast friends, he can't help her. Even though they seemed to pick up an automatic dynamic with each other, he can't remedy the situation. He helped her get her lightheartedness back, but now he can't anymore.

Not her brothers, who were people she protected and trusted to protect her from the very beginning. She grew up with them, messing around with them, and they helped shape her into the person she is today. Or rather, was then. They shaped her life, but now they can't anymore.

Not her mother, the one constant in her life that never seemed to change. Her Ma, with her gnocchi dinner recipe and cannoli's after school, the overbearing hugs that Jane always squirmed away from but secretly loved. Her mother, who had Jane's back when Jane broke a boy's nose in third grade, or when she went on her first date and she stayed up all night wishing her daughter would tell her about it. Her mother, who wanted to hide Jane away from the horrors of the world just to see the horrors of the world present themselves so crudely to Jane. Her mother, who just wanted the best for her daughter and loved her so much no matter what.

Her mother just wanted everything to be okay, but now, that will never happen.

Frost picked up his phone and sent a text to Frankie, as became the routine. Frankie and Angela requested this of both Frost and Korsak, and they obliged quietly. Frost waved his phone at Korsak, silently saying _I got this one_. Frost typed out the words slowly, to try to make Jane seem as… innocent as possible. Whenever he does this, he tries to portray Jane as the least crazy of the lunatics, but sometimes, he wonders if there's even a difference.  
The day passed slowly, the detectives sticking to their desks, setting everything in order, catching up on backlogged files, reviewing old cases for trials. Jane was in a relatively good mood, finding her mind drifting to Maura every now and again. She thought about where they should go out on a date, maybe Jane would try to treat her to a nice restaurant? Or maybe they could watch a movie at home and cuddle after. Since hen did Jane become one to cuddle? Jane scoffed at herself quietly, attracting the attention of Frost.

"You okay there?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Jane said quietly, hiding a small smile with her downturned face.

Frost had left for about an hour for lunch and offered to get Jane something, since she made no move to get up either. He had been silently thankful that Jane didn't want to go down to get something with him because he was responding to the urgent text Frankie sent him in reply to Frost's earlier text. Frost looked Jane up and down, noting the weariness, the small amount of happiness that seemed to crack through the ever-present solemnness, and the way she seemed to be _different _today.

Frost knew, though. Angela had talked to Frankie, who then spoke quietly in the corners with Korsak and Frost. They had been able to let everything be when Jane was only spending time with Maura and hanging out after work. Jane would have small chats and dinners at Maura's and then go home and be relatively normal, and grumpy, the next day. Jane would be her normal self, but she was still different than the Jane from last year. Their Jane was now moody and mostly angry all the time, and anything to crack that was damn near impossible, unless Jane was talking about or to Maura.

Things now, however, have gone too far. Frankie decided on this plan of action, having to break it to Angela and break her heart, knowing doing this was going to break Jane's heart. Frost and Korsak agreed to be there also, if not to be there for moral support, but to make sure Jane doesn't do anything stupid.

They all decided: It was time.

Frost came back after an hour and saw Jane sitting in the same position with a different file open in front of her. He sat down and went by her unnoticed, much like how Jane regarded everyone while she was working nowadays.

Jane's phone beeped on her desk, signaling the reception of a text. She put down her pen and lifted the phone, tilting it away from the glare of the desk lamp. _Ma_ was highlighted on the screen on top of a one-line preview of the text message. Jane pressed the "read" button and the message popped open, revealing the entire message.

_Forgot to invite u to dinner when I saw u yesterday. Already invited Frost Korsak and Frankie and would love for u to come too. _

Jane almost laughed. Her mother _forgot _to invite her to dinner. More like, her mother was a little too nervous about the overhearing-the-sex thing and couldn't form a complete sentence.

And also, it's not like it was her mother's fault for forgetting to invite Jane; it had been a long time since Jane agreed to go. Every time Angela would ask, she would duck out of it, or not even show up at all. It was rude of her, but she's reached the point in her life where she could convince herself she didn't need to put up with crazy Rizzoli shit unless she wanted to. Which she never did.

Jane thought for a moment, considering if she wanted to ditch out of it. It really has been a while since she even _thought _about going to a dinner gathering. It's not that she didn't still love her friends and family, she just preferred to be alone; she wasn't looking for company when she could just recline on the couch with a beer and takeout.

Especially after the precinct shooting. That should have reminded her how much she should love her family and be with them, but in Jane's mind, she knew she saw her family every day at work, and at Maura's house. The way she saw it, she needed the down time, alone away from everything, to get herself together at the end of the day, when she could even make it home for dinner and sleep. She would go insane if she worked herself as hard as she used to and tried to balance work and extra family dinners.

Jane hit out a quick reply.

_Sure. Where and what time?_

Jane hit the reply button and held the phone in her hands as she waited for a reply.

_6:30 ish. Maura's._

Jane chuckled. She could have guessed it was at Maura's house; they always had their little family gatherings there now. And Jane would make sure to stay in her own apartment that night.

Jane typed out her reply. _Sure. See you then._

The phone beeped again with Angela's text.

_Love you, Jane._

_Love you too, Ma._

Jane set down her phone and looked up at Frost.

"Hey." She flicked her hand toward Frost's desk to get his attention. He looked up from his file, a not-too-expectant look on his face. "I'm coming to dinner tonight."

Frost's skeptical look could almost rival Jane's. Almost.

"Are you really?" Frost asked. Jane would have been offended that he would think she'd go back on her word, but then realized again that she's done that quite a bit as of late. She's really changed the past couple of months.

"Yeah, I am," Jane said, trying to give Frost a reassuring smile.

He mustered the most sincere smile he could.

Frost loved Jane like a sister, because that's what she had become. When he was just a newbie from robbery, sure she gave him the shit he was due, but she was a teacher and a guide. He chuckled quietly to himself because he would never forget the first thing she said to him.

_Frost entered the bullpen on his first day on homicide. His partner, one who was quite famous around the department, was also the only girl in the department. Even if Detective Rizzoli wasn't a girl, Frost could have spotted her a mile away. The days where he described people in terms of "swag" were long behind him, but damn, Rizzoli had swag. _

_She was standing talking to another officer, a young, baby-faced kid with floppy brown hair. She looked like they were in an argument but then Detective Rizzoli smiled and pat his arm. As he approached, he heard, "Look out for yourself, little bro." The first thing Frost could see were the bandages around her hands, just a stretch of gauze over the wounds which he knew were caused by The Surgeon. Frost stopped a few feet away from her and asked, "Detective Rizzoli?" She looked toward him but didn't respond, but she nodded her head, a gesture to tell him to keep talking. "I'm your new partner, Barry Frost." He stuck out his hand. Jane took his hand as she looked him up and down; sized him up. Frost straightened his stance and pushed his shoulders back almost subconsciously as Jane's eyes squinted toward him._

_Jane took his hand and shook with a firm _up down_ and then looked him square in the eye._

"_Don't throw up at the first crime scene, Frost."_

_Detective Rizzoli walked away down toward the morgue, leaving Frost feeling just a little bit confused and slightly indignant. He scoffed to himself and smirked. He wasn't going to throw up. _

_When they got their first crime scene, he threw up. _

Frost got up from his desk and went over to Korsak's. Jane was immersed in her work, being the diligent detective she was, and that bought Frost some time to whisper.

"Angela got Jane to come to dinner." Frost whispered.

"What?" Korsak asked. He squinted his eyes and sighed, leaning his head closer to Frost's.

"Angela. Got Jane. To come to dinner." Frost whispered slowly, but still low.

"Oh. Oh!" Korsak exclaim-whispered. Frost frantically held up his hands to quiet him down and make sure Jane wasn't disturbed. When he was satisfied Jane was still unaware of what was going on behind her, he relaxed again.

"Yeah. Do you know what you're going to say?" Frost asked.

"I thought we weren't going to be the ones doing the talking?"

"Yeah, but just in case. I'm not sure if Frankie and Angela could handle this alone."

"That's why we're going. If Jane gets crazy, we'll handle _that_. I'm not good with the communication thing."

"Says who?" Frost asked, trying to get Korsak on his side.

"Says three failed marriages."

Frost looked at Korsak incredulously. He rolled his eyes, another habit he picked up from Jane early on.

"Well we still should probably say something, you know? In case… Angela and Frankie can't find the words."

"They were the ones who wanted to do this in the first place."

"It's nice to help out."

"Okay then, what were you going to say, smartass?"

Frost opened his mouth to respond, but then closed it. "Um… I'm not even sure. You know what, we can just go off what Frankie and Angela say."'

"What are Frankie and Angela going to say?" Jane asked from her desk. Frost and Korsak had gotten increasingly louder as their conversation went on until Jane could clearly hear their whispers.

"Nothing!" Frost and Korsak replied, Korsak's voice lagging behind Frost's.

Jane rolled her eyes. "Well when you two girls are done gossiping could one of you _maybe _get the Duncan case from Pike?"

Jane hated going to see Pike, but usually went down there to see Maura. Frost wondered why she wasn't going down there herself, but he wasn't going to push it.

Jane, on the other hand, was pushing herself to go see Maura. She really wanted to; she'd wanted to all day. But she knew, she _knew_, if she went down there, she wouldn't be able to stop herself from kissing the woman senseless. There are only a few times in a person's life where they can say they love someone, and that someone loves them back, and Jane is too damn excited about this moment that she could hardly contain herself.

Maura just puts her in an all-around good mood, especially now since they're together, finally.

And that nagging voice in her head that tells her to worry all the time, it's still kinda there, but today it's been strangely silent. But Jane wasn't going to complain. She was too happy for that.

But still, there's a little voice in her head that's saying, _stop, Jane. Stop all of this now. Something's coming. _

Jane just ignored it.

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**I saved dinner for next chapter. Hope you liked this one though! **


	7. Chapter 7

**Dinner. I had such a hard time writing this chapter because I knew what I wanted to say but I didn't ever want to actually write it out. But, I finally got it, and I hope you like it!**

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Jane showed up at Maura's house five minutes early, trying not to be too early to seem to eager, because she really couldn't wait to see Maura, but also trying to not be early enough to want to jump on Maura and spend the rest of their night at Jane's place, away from the chaos of the friends and family dinner.

She brought a bouquet of flowers, deciding that it was the nicest thing she could do, since this was the first time she was coming for dinner in… a long time. She dressed nicely too, and almost considered wearing a dress, but then laughed at herself and decided on just changing her work shirt to that… pink-ish shirt Maura likes. And Angela was always telling her to dress more feminine anyway.

Jane unlocked the door and pushed it open with her hip. There was a warmth in the house that seemed to be present every time the family got together; it was a warmth Jane hadn't felt in a while in that house. There were noises coming from the kitchen and dining room as everybody bustled about, and Jane could smell the gnocchi.

"Ma!"

All noise in the house seemed to stop until there was the scuffling of socks over hard wood floor. Frankie appeared around the corner, in a pair of jeans and a faded grey t-shirt and smiled, opening his arms and coming toward Jane.

"Jane," Frankie said, embracing his sister. Jane closed her arms around Frankie as well, careful not to whack his head with the bouquet.

"Hey, Frankie," Jane said, smiling and keeping her voice measured, Frankie's warm gesture igniting a homely feel inside of Jane.

"Just in time," Frankie said, easing out of the hug and patting Jane's shoulder. "We've already done everything so you can just go chill for a bit."

"Do you need my help?"

"Nah, you don't need to do anything. We already did everything, just in case you didn't show." Frankie smiled.

"Oh, okay. Thanks, bro. I'm just gonna give these to Ma. She in the kitchen?" Jane asked, nodding toward the bouquet. She felt guilty again; they still didn't expect her to show up.

"Yeah," Frankie said, nudging Jane toward the kitchen and following behind her.

The noise in the house seemed to rattle back to life when Jane came into the kitchen. Korsak and Frost were leaning against the island, beers in their hands and their sleeves rolled up. Half-sliced home-made garlic bread lay on the cutting board behind them. Angela was next to the stove, stirring sauce in a big pot with a wooden spoon. Her hair was falling out of the high ponytail on the top of her head and she was laughing at something Frost had just said to Korsak, meanwhile Korsak was looking slightly offended.

"Hey guys, Jane's here!" Frankie announced happily. Everyone turned their heads in unison and looked over to where Frankie's voice came from, their eyes wide as if they really weren't expecting Jane to be there. Frost and Korsak came around the island to greet Jane as Frankie moved toward the fridge to get Jane a beer.

"Jane!" Angela exclaimed, clearly ecstatic but unable to leave the sauce unattended. Frankie set the beer down on the island and moved to take the spoon from Angela.

"I got this, Ma. Go hug Jane," Frankie said, setting Jane's beer on the counter and grasping the handle of the spoon. Angela wiped her hands on the stained apron and nearly skipped over to Jane, quickly pulling her into a tight hug.

"Hey, Ma," Jane said, rubbing small circles on her mother's back.

"I didn't think you were going to come," Angela said, grabbing her daughter by the shoulders. She looked Jane up and down, frowning slightly. "Good thing you're here, though. You're too skinny."

"Here, this is for you," Jane said, holding up the bouquet. Angela looked down at it as if she noticed it for the first time.

"Oh, they're beautiful! Vince, could you get me a vase from under the sink?" Angela called out to Korsak, and he squeezed past Frankie at the stove to get to the sink. He filled it up with water and Jane handed the bouquet to him.

"I'm really glad you're here, Jane. I feel like I never see you anymore. You just give us a few more minutes and everything will be ready." Angela smirked and turned back to the sauce. "Frankie, go cut the bread please."

"Hey, Frost and Korsak were in charge of that." Frankie pointed to the two men. Frost was observing Jane and Korsak looked like a deer in the headlights, caught for not slicing all the bread. Frankie eyed them pointedly and Korsak nudged Frost with his elbow to get him to stop staring at Jane so hard. "Or at least, go set the table." Korsak set the vase full of flowers in the middle of the island, and then they went to retrieve some plates and silverware from the cupboards above the sink and started to set up the table.

"Do you want any help?" Jane asked, moving to get more plates. Frost blocked her way with a quick sidestep and he smirked.

"No thanks, Rizzoli. We got this."

Jane quirked her eyebrow

"Are you sure?" Jane asked, watching Frost trying to balance some cups on the plates.

"Yeah. Go drink beer or something."

"Yeah fine," Jane said, laughing. She grabbed her beer from the island and watched as Frost walked comically slowly toward the dining table. "You sure you got that?"

"Yeah!"

"Okay. I'm just gonna go say hi to Maura," Jane said, turning around to exit the kitchen.

"Uh, she's not here Jane." Frankie said.

"Yeah… she went out." Frost tried to help.

"Out?" Jane echoed. "Out where?"

"Uh… she didn't say," Korsak said.

It was almost as if the entire room waited with bated breath to see what Jane would say to that. Angela froze, the stirring spoon in midair, her eyes darting between everyone in the room, waiting for a reaction.

"Okay," Jane said she shrugged and took a sip of her beer. Outwardly, she was calm and nonchalant about Maura going out. On the inside, she was freaking out. Could this be the moment her brain's been beating herself up about for the past long months? Why would she go out and not tell Jane? But, Jane didn't own Maura, Maura could go out and do whatever she wanted.

Frost turned to Korsak and mouthed, "okay?" Korsak shrugged.

Ten minutes later, the table was set and Angela was pouring sauce into a large bowl of gnocchi. Jane watched as everyone moved about, playfully nudging and griping at each other. She occasionally offered to help, trying to carry a plate or cups over to the table, but everyone shoed her away, telling her to relax. They wanted Jane to relax tonight, but Jane felt increasingly on edge. The more Frost joked and nudged her with his elbow trying to get her to relax the night off, she would feel a little more frustrated. She felt like something was going on and no one was telling her what.

They all sat down at their seats at the table, everyone watching where Jane sat. She sat in her normal seat, the seat on the end closest to the wall, the empty seat on her right was the place Maura normally sat. Frankie, Frost, and Korsak took seats around the table, avoiding Maura's old seat, and Angela sat at the head. The plates and the dishes were set out and a new bottle of beer was out for everyone. Before anyone could move to fill their plates, Angela spoke up.

"I just want to say, how happy I am that Jane's here tonight. It's been so long since we've all been together and… I hope we can end the night happily." Angela said. She knew the plan, she knew how things were probably going to happen tonight, but still, she hoped for the best.

"Here here," Korsak said, raising his beer. Everyone joined in, including Jane with a smile, and clinked their bottles together.

They each filled their plates, light chatter of "please pass the gnocchi" or "give me a piece of bread" filling up the silence and the clink of silverware on plates. It seemed to be the personal responsibility of everyone except Jane to try to fill the silence, with pointless anecdotes about something they were reminded of, or finding a way to compliment Angela's cooking multiple times. Jane watched as Frankie and Frost engaged in a competition of who could shove more pieces of gnocchi in their mouths without Angela noticing. Soon enough, though, Angela saw Jane's smirk and followed the line of vision to Frost and Frankie's cheeks bulging out like squirrels.

"Boys! You're not children anymore!"

They looked like they were deer caught in the headlights and Jane and Korsak just laughed, Korsak at them being caught, Jane at the fact they would even do it in the first place. It had been a long time since she felt like she'd seen her family joke around with each other. Had she really been missing from their lives so much lately? Had she really foregone all of this for so long?

"So, Jane," Angela said, rolling her eyes at Frankie trying to choke down the gnocchi. She was also trying hard to act as if she hadn't tried to plan out this entire conversation. "How is work?"

Everyone's eyes turned expectantly toward Jane, as if what they were about to hear was going to be the highlight of their night.

"Uh, well, it's pretty good, I guess. Things have been pretty easy lately, compared to how they could be."

"So… everyone at work is…"

"Fine, Ma. Literally, most of the people I interact with on a daily basis are _in this room. _Except Maura, but apparently none of you have any idea where she is at the moment." Jane rolled her eyes, and then looked around at the sudden silence that filled the room.

There was a shift in the feeling of everything, and Jane suddenly felt very on edge. Very, _very _on edge. Frankie was staring at her with his, "you're in deep shit" face. Frost had a dark look that came about whenever they were in the middle of a ball-busting case, and Korsak looked like he was looking at a ghost.

"What?" Jane asked, defense mode activated.

"Maura's not here, Janie," Angela said softly, kindly.

"Yeah, Ma, I know Maura's not _here_. Genius over there said she went out and didn't ask her where." Jane said. She knew deep down he didn't really need to ask in the first place, because if Maura wanted to go out, Jane didn't necessarily have any say over it. She just felt protective, was that too much to say? Angela's brow wrinkled and Jane sighed. "I'm just… I've just been worried about her lately. I feel like something is going to happen to her, and I'm not going to be able to stop it, you know? It's just a gut feeling, and I'm going with it." No matter how many times Maura tells me that my intestines do not tell me things.

Angela felt momentarily speechless. She looked down and then back up, into Jane's eyes.

"Honey, I don't think Maura's going to come back…"

Jane was so confused she almost dropped her defenses. _Almost. _

"Ha, Ma, of course she's coming back, she lives here." _Unless she decided she wants to get away from me and my sudden attachment to her… hell yeah I've noticed I've gotten a little clingy lately. _

"No, Jane… she doesn't."

"Yeah, Ma, this is her house." Jane nodded. She looked around to double check. Same furniture, same kitchen, same plant on the windowsill, same painting in the living room, same light fixture above the table. Everything was the same except the smell of the room, which changed in the past couple of months, Jane noticed. But that was hardly one of her concerns because Maura's room always smelled the same.

"No," Angela's voice was pleading, begging Jane to put the picture together so she didn't have to say it.

"Yes!"

"Jane!" Frankie interjected. Jane looked over at him and his knuckles were clenched on the table and he looked frantic. "Jane," he tried again, a little calmer. "Why don't you call her?"

Jane looked at Frankie skeptically before shrugging and pulling out her phone, ready to prove Frankie wrong. She hoped Maura had her phone on now, because more often than not, it was off. She dialed the familiar number slowly, reluctant to hit speed dial and trying to prolong being proven wrong with her voicemail again.

_You've reached Doctor Maura Isles. I am not available – _

Jane flipped her phone shut.

"Okay, so she didn't pick up. She doesn't really answer her phone much nowadays, so what? It doesn't mean she decided to just up and move."

"Did you ever try to think _why _she's not answering her phone?" Frankie asked gently.

_Of course I have. You think I would just let this go on if I didn't think Maura had a perfectly good reason for turning off her phone? She probably just didn't want to be bothered with work stuff outside of work, and during working hours she could use the office phones… though she hasn't really used those much either. She works less now and she hands things down to Pike now, so she probably just… doesn't want to answer her phone. _

"Yeah, and I she probably just doesn't want to be bothered with work stuff."

Jane heard Frost sigh and barely kept herself from glancing at him out of the corner of her eyes.

"But Jane… she doesn't pick up for any of us. Not at work, not on her cell, not at home. Ever."

Jane thought this over. It was definitely true. One thing Jane's realized in the past couple of months is Maura's lack of the use of her phone.

"So, she's stopped using her phone. I still don't see how this has anything to do with Maura moving."

"Maura's not moving, Janie," Frankie said. Laying down the law.

"Yeah," Jane said sharply. "I know."

"She's not moving because she doesn't _live _here."

Jane rolled her eyes and would have gone face-first down onto the table if there wasn't a half-full plate of gnocchi in front of her.

"Guys, what-"

"Just think about it, Jane! Think! Use that big brain of yours to _think _about all of this! Everything that's been happening these past couple of months after the shooting. What do you think has been going on?" Frankie said quickly, trying to get Jane to really think.

Jane lowered her eyes, trying to think back on the past couple of months after the dirty cop and his gang raided headquarters. Jane was in the hospital for a week, got out… she suddenly realized there was a giant blur in her memory. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion and blurring the pictures. She could feel where she was but she didn't feel like she was there. She felt like she wasn't even herself, but everything was still happening around her.

Everything was a blur until she came over to Maura's one day and saw her coming out of her room, beautiful hair in a ponytail, yoga pants and a soft purple jacket on. Jane felt as if her brain suddenly woke up and started functioning again. She felt like she hadn't seen Maura in so long, and now, they're back together again, Rizzoli and Isles.

After that, Jane could remember everything. Everything was normal and ran smoothly, work was the same, except Pike had taken over sometime and Maura seemed to be perfectly fine with that. Pike even rearranged the office, and Maura agreed that it was definitely more efficient, though Jane knows Maura secretly hated the way it looked.

And also, Maura changed a lot after the shooting. She seemed so agreeable with Jane, and non-argumentative. There wasn't much of their usual quick banter, but they could still talk like friends. Maybe Maura was just walking on eggshells around Jane? But there's no reason for her to, and Jane honestly didn't think Maura was doing that at all though. Maura also didn't spew off as many random facts as Jane remembered like before. But Jane wasn't really complaining, she found she just really liked being with Maura any way she could, silence, facts, or anything.

"I don't know, things have been normal. What are you guys talking about!?" Jane asked. She was cheered up slightly from the memories but as soon as she remembered why she was having this conversation, she grunted, getting frustrated again.

Frost and Korsak sighed.

Jane sighed also.

"Jane, Maura's not here! She's not here! She's not coming back! We thought it would go away after a while but it's only gotten worse! Ma told me that she heard you _fucking_ the other night and just- I don't even _know _Jane! How?! Jane!"

"Ma!" Jane shouted accusatorily, her glare pointing at Angela. "Ma, Frankie, no, _no one _needs to hear about my sex like, nonetheless from you!"

"Jane, you shouldn't be… doing that!" Angela said, hurt evident in her voice. "Not with her!"

"Not with her? Ma, why not with her? She's –"

"Stop!" Frankie shouted, louder than both of them.

Everyone fell silent again, Jane glaring at Angela and Angela looking at her youngest child, sadness and fear evident in her voice. How could she have thought this night would go any different? How could she have thought Jane would take this all calmly and in stride? She wished she could go back and remind herself this was a bad idea, because it was a bad idea.

No, she told herself adamantly. This is not a bad idea. Jane deserved to be able to live life to the fullest, or as full as she can be, and she can't do that with Maura still on her mind. It was time for Jane to let go, and Angela needed to keep reminding herself that. This was for the best, because now, her baby girl was getting sick. Things were escalating and there seemed to be no more alternative routes. This is not something that can be ignored anymore.

"Jane," Angela said softy, as gently as she could.

"What, Ma?" Jane asked with venom in her voice. Angela would have recoiled from the tone, because Jane rarely used such an aggressive tone with her, until lately. That's just another way Jane has changed, another way everything has changed, and probably will never be the same again.

"Jane," Angela said. Her eyes started filling with tears, and Jane saw. Her face softened as she looked at her mother.

"What, Ma?" Jane asked gently, matching her mother's tone.

"Maura is dead."

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**to be continued...**


	8. Chapter 8

**So, I got a lot of mixed feelings about last chapter. I'm sure I've lost some readers now that the big reveal has been, well, revealed. For those of you that are sticking around, thank you. And for those of you that have already left this story behind, thanks for sticking with it until now. Can't say I didn't expect it, but I'm really glad for your input and thoughts. The story will continue on, though, and it's only going to get rough from here. Remember that brutality warning I made in my notes for the first couple of chapters?**

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Jane's jaw fell open in shock. That was the last thing she expected to hear come out of her mother's mouth. The very absolute last thing she expected to hear come out of _anyone's_ mouth. Jane barked a silent laugh, humorlessly.

"Ha, nice one guys. Someone would have called me if she'd gotten into an accident and died in the past twenty-four hours…" she trailed off when she realized no one else was laughing with her. "Guys come on." Jane widened her eyes and cracked a smile. "She's not dead, she can't be." Her smile dropped as even more tension filled the room. "Okay, joke's not funny guys. Why would you say that?"

There was still no response from the other people in the room.

"We're not joking." Frankie said it gently. "Maura's gone, Jane."

"No." She shook her head. She didn't believe it. This situation was almost humorous, they couldn't have thought she was going to fall for this.

"Maura has been dead for the past six months."

"Right," Jane scoffed, almost to herself. Her voice had venom in it and she wanted to spit it out at them, make them feel for playing this cruel joke on her. Maura wasn't dead; she couldn't be.

At their continued silence and solemn looks, Jane felt anger bubble up inside her and she could only stare blankly in shock. Her heart began beating so hard against her chest she thought it was going to leave a bruise inside her. Her stomach was twisting in unpleasant ways and she couldn't seem to get herself to calm down.

"No." That seemed like the only thing she could say, and was nearly the only thing going through her mind.

The room was silent except for Jane's labored breathing, her chest rising and falling rapidly. Her eyes were wild and looking around the room like she was searching desperately for an escape. Her hands were clenched on top of the table and she was shaking, her face contorted into a mixture of pain, sadness, and disbelief. But on top of all that, torture.

Jane's mind wasn't functioning anymore. The only thing she could hear, screaming loud and clear at her, was, "No! Maura's not dead, I saw her just yesterday! She isn't dead! She has not been dead!"

Jane's pained eyes met her mother's.

"Maura's not dead."

Angela bit her lip and just barely shook her head. "Yes, she is."

Jane looked toward Frost and Korsak, who were watching her intently.

"She's _not _dead."

Frost and Korsak looked right back at Jane with the pained expression falling off their faces. The shook their head and she turned her face toward Frankie, cutting them off from saying anything.

"Frankie, brother. Maura's alive."

The look she got in return told her she was wrong.

"I, uh… I can't believe this is happening." Jane stood up out of her seat so quickly it fell backward and knocked against the wall. It made everyone jump, but they all remained seated and waited for Jane's next move. Jane walked around the table and ran both her hands through her hair, her fingers getting caught on some knots in her hair. She pulled straight through them anyway; she deserved the pain.

"No, no, no, no! Maura- Maura is alive! There's just no _possible _way for her to be dead and me to not know."

Frankie stood up slowly, holding out his hands, the signature move for anyone to show they are weaponless and, in Jane's best interest, non-threatening. The best thing to do right now, for Jane, was to remain collected. Let her freak out, but don't freak out with her. Let her scream and yell, but remain calm. They have to be the ounce of sanity left in her life because they know – they _know _– this is going to tear her apart.

"She is-"

"Stop! Stop saying that!" Jane shouted quickly, turning to point in Frankie's face. "How could you let this go on for so long?"

"Jane, we thought you would figure it out."

"But I didn't!" Jane shouted, balling her hands into fists. Frankie took a small step back, legitimately afraid Jane was going to punch him right there. Jane slammed her eyes shut and breathed. Maybe she did know all along. Is this what her brain was trying to tell her? That nagging feeling of worry and pain she'd been feeling all this time was because of _this? _Because Maura actually was never there in the first place? Because Maura was… already dead.

Maura was already dead.

Maura is dead.

_Maura is dead._

Jane let out a hoarse cry and stamped her foot, not caring that she looked like a petulant child. It was all she could do to not collapse on the floor and wither away. She wanted to throw herself to the ground, bleed herself through the floor and come out on the other side a completely new life. She didn't want this to be happening, she didn't want any of this.

She couldn't believe herself. How could they let her go on like this? How much embarrassment has she caused herself, by mentioning Maura, talking to Maura, being with Maura all the time? They just let it go on every day and never said anything to her about it. They let her carry on this life of disbelief and happiness while they – what, they worried about her, _for _her?

That was bullshit. They shouldn't have let her go on like this. They should have told her straight up, right then, Maura was… gone. That would have been better than letting Jane live a lie, believe a lie she was able to convince herself of. Hell, she was seeing a _dead woman _and they didn't do anything about it? Why? To protect her? Bull fucking shit. What they were doing wasn't protecting anybody, least of all Jane. If anything, it was hurting her more. It was going to kill her more to accept it later on, after everything, after more and more time with Maura, than to finally just let her go in the first place.

"I could have gone on forever not realizing Maura was… dead."

"I'm sure not forever, sweetie," Angela said, moving to stand up and approach her daughter. She put a hand on Jane's arm and Jane yanked it away, stumbling backwards a little.

"No, Ma!" Jane shouted.

Angela wrapped her arms around herself. Jane's harsh voice hitting her ears hard. She watched as her daughter struggled with her thoughts and wished desperately to know what was going on in that big brain of hers.

"How… how could you guys not tell me?"

They were all silent. They knew why they wouldn't, couldn't, tell Jane; all of them were thinking it. It's because Jane was so happy. They didn't want to take that away. That first month after Jane left the hospital was hell, and no wonder she seemed to not remember it at all. Jane walked around like a drone of herself, barely talking, barely eating, barely functioning. She knew Maura was dead then and she couldn't move past it. They all knew what the doctor meant to Jane, but that first month solidified all their thoughts.

Everyone in the unit steered clear of her because the new Jane would snap at anyone and everything. She also seemed prone to breaking, but no one dared try to provoke her enough. Cavanaugh spoke with Angela multiple times, maybe to keep Jane at home, or try to get her some help. He knew, though, deep down, that Jane would never accept that. No matter what, she was too stubborn to go back home and let someone care for her. She was too prideful to get help from a psychiatrist. She was still solving cases and getting things done, but she still wasn't herself. The brass only cared if cases were being closed.

But one day Jane came into the office looking better than she had since before the shootout. She smiled and talked and everyone in the unit breathed a sigh of relief. Angela came up to see for herself and nearly couldn't believe her own eyes. Frost and Korsak especially welcomed the old Jane back with open arms, unaware of what was really happening.

It wasn't until a few days later when Jane mentioned something about Maura. Frost thought he'd heard her wrong and asked her to repeat it, and she smiled and repeated what she said, that she was going over to Maura's for dinner and a movie night. Frost panicked immediately and asked her, "Will Maura be there?" And Jane said, "Of course, she lives there."

Frost went down to Division One Café and told Angela what Jane said. He felt like a third-grade tattler, but Angela should know what was the cause of Jane's sudden one-eighty turn. That was the start of him and Frankie being in charge of letting Angela know whenever Maura was "around".

The news spread quickly and quietly over BPD, everyone careful not to set off Jane's radar. Everyone came to a general consensus to let this carry on; it didn't affect her performance, it didn't change her one bit. She was back to nearly the old Jane, just a few more wrinkles and a bullet wound through her abdomen. It changed nothing about their daily work lives except Jane one again started going to down to spend time in the morgue. Dr. Pike even agreed to let Jane carry on this delusion and come down to talk to herself in his office, even though he never really liked the detective. He knew very well that if Jane got angry at him, he might very well be the next body on the table.

Everyone let this carry on until they couldn't anymore, which right now, seemed to be the time they couldn't.

"We were scared for you, Jane," Angela said.

"Scared? For me?" Jane asked, angry.

"Yes! We didn't want to lose you. You were so lost without Maura, and then when you thought you had her back, we also got you back," Angela said, wanting to put her arms around Jane.

"So you were being selfish?" Jane asked, putting her hands on her hips. She couldn't keep pulling at her shirt and tugging at her hands; Maura wouldn't have approved of that… if she were there.

They all looked guilty for a moment.

"Yes, we were, Jane, but you have to understand –" Frost began, but was cut off by a quick wave of Jane's hand.

"Understand what? That you guys let me go on for god knows how long believing my dead best friend was alive?" Jane asked. She still had so much trouble believing Maura was dead this entire time.

"We did, and we shouldn't have –"

"Damn right you shouldn't have!" Jane shouted, louder than anything she'd said before. It startled everyone in the room into a stoic silence. Jane stood, seething, breathing hard, her mind a jumbled mess of not knowing what to do.

"Is she really dead?" Jane asked quietly, almost to herself. No one in the room answered her, waiting to see what she was going to do. She was staring down at the floor because she couldn't look anyone in the eyes. She saw their faces when she shouted, how everyone looked tired, nervous, confused, and scared. Scared of her, Jane, their daughter, sister, partner, friend. Jane couldn't help but feel guilt coming back down on her, despite the anger inside her. But that seemed to be much of what she was feeling lately: guilt and anger, along with confusion and… pain. She was so tired of this right now, all the fight in her body seemed to leave her on her last outburst. All she wanted to do was lie down on the floor, bury herself in quietness and not think anymore, and not feel anymore.

Her face relaxed into sadness and her body visibly loosened, showing everyone her defeat. She raised her head and looked at the people around her, standing in a half circle, as if trying to close in on a wild animal. That's how she felt, though. Like an animal suddenly gone wild. The only difference was, she wasn't rabid anymore, and she's lost her fight now. They could all see that now.

They were all surprised to see a single track of a tear tracing down Jane's cheek and dripping toward her jaw. Jane held other tears at bay, taking a deep breath and looking around the room. She looked at the dining table, the one they were sitting at ten minutes ago, happily eating dinner. She glanced to the right of the seat she was in, at Maura's usual place at the table. Jane took a deep breath before she finally told herself that Maura was never going to sit there again.

Jane looked toward the kitchen, to the small island where she watched Maura make morning coffee so many times with that fancy coffee maker of hers. They used to stand there and drink it after one of their morning runs; they'd both be exhausted and stinky but they would stand there and drink coffee and talk about the most senseless things, because that's what best friends did.

Wordlessly, Jane moved out to the living room, staring at the couch she slept on after she was taken hostage at the end of the case. The others followed quietly behind her. That night was a tough night, coming to Maura's house after a full and tiring day of work, feeling the soreness ache through her body. All she wanted was to be with her best friend, because Maura has a way of making Jane feel at ease.

_Maybe that's why they didn't tell me. _

That couch was where they'd spent countless nights watching mindless television and eating takeout. Jane was pretty sure she and Maura snuggled on more than one occasion, but back then, everything felt nice, easy, and platonic. Back then, everything felt so simple: go to work, go home, spend time with family, spend time with Maura, drink with the guys, rinse and repeat.

She glanced toward the front door, immediately brought back to that first time she ever spent the night at Maura's house. She remembered that night clearly, just having walked out on her mother, from her own apartment. Maura's house was the only place she felt safe, other than her own apartment and the precinct. Maura opened the door looking like she was about to do a photoshoot, but apparently she was waiting for Dean. The jealousy Jane felt reminded of her being back in high school when the guy she was convincing herself not to like ended up asking out Carla Talluci's daughter.

Jane took a deep breath, filling her nose with the scent of Maura's home. Except it wasn't Maura's home, not anymore. She could still almost smell the scent of Maura's being. Jane always loved the way the other woman smelled, and wherever she was, she would fill the space with that scent as well. Jane tried hard, scrunching her eyes and concentrating, because if she let her mind remember _just enough, _she could almost smell Maura's being, almost as if she never left.

This foreign feeling of this place was suddenly explained. The house still felt warm, but not it was a little bit colder. The house still smelled the same, but the characteristic scent of Maura was gone. The house still felt the same, but the key ingredient to making it the house it used to be… was gone. This house, which used to be Maura's home, was no longer Jane's.

"She's really gone?" Jane asked louder this time, the volume of her voice back to normal. There was sadness and defeat in her voice and it was hard to miss, so Angela answered as gently as she could. Jane turned around to look at the people standing around the living room, watching her as she processed everything.

"Yes."

Jane paused for a moment. She looked around one last time, and then turned swiftly around, opened the front door and closed it gently behind her.

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**Now, we're really getting started. There's about to be a lot of Jane's thoughts, and remember: she's not a very bright and happy person to begin with. Thanks for reading, let me know all your thoughts! **


	9. Chapter 9

**So I guess some of my readers are still here, so hello! Here's a new chapter, I hope you like it. Things are going to start being really thoughtful from now on, and we're going to see what Jane's thinking, how she's dealing, all that jazz.**

**And also, people who are still reading this, please review. I have no idea how to go about doing things when I don't know if you're liking what's happening or not. There's only about four or five more ideas I have that are set in stone but I can change how we get there, how I word things. Tell me what you guys want, or don't like, etc, just tell me stuff. **

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There are not many things that can make Jane Rizzoli cry. When her pet fish died when she was seven, she simply flushed it down the toilet, declaring to her crying younger brother that if the fish wasn't strong enough to sustain itself a few days after forgetting to feed it, it wasn't a fish she wanted around. Little Jane Rizzoli didn't care that much, and the thought of her pet dying didn't faze her at all. That had been her first brush with death and she flew by it in an instant, barely looking back to even remember the creature's name. She felt a tear roll down her cheek.

Little did she realize she would grow up to be surrounded by death. Hell, she wanted to be a goalie in the NHL. She didn't know she would set her life to being a cop, being a detective. And once she did, she wanted to be in Homicide, the last unit in the city to allow women to become detectives. She felt another tear roll down her cheek and drip off her chin.

Some might have told her she was obsessed with death. Their arguments seemed valid, claiming that no sane person could be around that much death and still be right in the head. Sometimes, when the cases were really bad, Jane might slip into believing what they told her. Maybe she did have a sick obsession with death. Why hadn't she left the unit yet? What exactly is wrong with her, making her want to stick around

Death never fazed Jane. A lot of the time, she would end up disgusted with what human beings could do. Meanwhile, and Jane remembered Maura telling her this when she went undercover at that lesbian bar, Maura was in awe of what human beings could do. Of course, she was talking about life, and art, and beautiful clothes. But Maura saw everything Jane saw and yet she still believed in the human race. She loved life, art, culture, people. She thought everything was beautiful and wonderful, and Jane would constantly pick at her like that. Jane wished she'd told her before.

Maura is so beautiful.

_Was. _Maura _was _beautiful.

Jane laughed humorlessly at herself.

Maura also once told her that optimists tend to live longer lives, to which Jane had responded, "So our vic was a pessimist?" Jane thought she was so clever back then. Maura had chuckled at the joke.

No one's laughing now.

Maura was so optimistic about life, even after Paddy Doyle. She had come to Jane looking for support and comfort, and Jane was able to give her that. The last thing she wanted was for Maura's genetic code to be the factor that held her back, and made her sad. Jane wanted to take all her pain away because, she knew deep down, she loved Maura from the start.

Jane shook her head, not able to hold the tears in anymore. They came out in a silent stream; she hated crying, but if she did, she wouldn't allow herself to completely break down. She would never make a sound.

She can't remember the circumstances of her death. Anything before the past six months is a complete blur in Jane's mind. If she relaxed her mind enough, she could catch flashes of it. A dress with red stripes, Maura's green workout shirt, Frankie and her down in the morgue. But other than that, Jane couldn't place anything else. She couldn't figure out… anything.

And she still didn't believe Maura was dead.

It's not possible. It can't be possible. She would have… known. She wouldn't have been able to feel Maura so strongly. She… What did she do last night? Who did she fuck?

Jane thought back to last night, trying to clear her mind and get remember exactly what was happening, but all she could see was Maura there, Maura naked, Maura with her beautiful body and splayed out hair. She could only see Maura's face as Jane pushed inside her and the way Maura's skin felt against her skin which was… almost nonexistent.

Jane tried to remember the feeling of Maura's body, but she couldn't. When she felt like there was a small pressure on her body, she would look down and see nothing. There was nothing there, and there was no one with her. She tried to remember being pushed by Maura, but only had the feeling of herself falling back.

Jane shook her head, trying to deny the truth. Maura wasn't actually there. In retrospect, it should have been obvious. Jane couldn't feel her skin, couldn't hug her close and feel her heartbeat. She was holding on to a memory and a glimmer of a memory, and Maura wasn't actually there.

So when Jane told Maura she loved her, Maura didn't actually say it back.

That cut Jane down most of all and she could feel her heart collapsing inside her chest. The tears that seemed to flow endlessly somehow poured out even more. She suddenly felt so weak and disoriented she could hardly breathe and her head felt as heavy as hell. The weight on her shoulders from worrying about impending doom was finally replaced with a burning shockwave of realization that she was too late… she was too late to tell Maura she loved her, and she will never know if Maura loved her back. Maura can't love her back now.

All she could feel was pain; it was resonating in every cell in her body. The heartbroken realization that Maura could not only never love Jane back, but that Jane never told Maura just how much she meant to the detective. If Jane could go back, even if things would be the same in the end, she would tell Maura she loved her, every day. She would wake up in the morning and tell Maura she loved her. She would go to bed at night but make sure to tell Maura she loved her before falling asleep. She wouldn't let a day go by where Maura wouldn't know Jane loved her. She would touch her more, appreciate those simple hand-touches or quick brushes, and make sure to tell Maura exactly how much she needed that in her life.

Jane was blindsided by her sudden pain. She couldn't get away from it and no matter how fast she drove, she could always feel it. She felt her knuckles getting sore from gripping the steering wheel so hard, and her palm hurt from repeatedly smacking it against the wheel. She knew Maura would chastise her for purposely hurting herself but _Maura wasn't there anymore. _Jane smacked her palm against the window and it bounced off with a hard smack. Jane's hand went numb but she didn't care.

The pain Jane felt could only be outweighed by her guilt.

She should have protected Maura better. There was no way she would have let Maura be alone that day. She remembered how scared everyone in the precinct was because she could feel her own fears coming back up at just the mere memory of it. She knew she would have immediately gone down to the morgue to check on Maura and make sure she was alright because, not long before that day, Jane realized how much she loved Maura.

They had worked out earlier today and Maura told Jane she brought Bass to work because he apparently wasn't eating. Jane thought that was ridiculous and she should have just told Maura to go home and bring Bass with her. If Jane had tried to convince Maura to go home, as unwarranted as that day off from work would have been, Maura might still be alive.

If Jane had just done something _different, _Maura would still be alive. Of that, Jane was sure.

Jane loved Maura so much. She hated herself for not telling her that soon and hated herself even more for losing that chance forever. If only she had protected her better, realized Marino's plan from the beginning, everything would have been resolved quickly, several good cops wouldn't have lost their lives, and the precinct wouldn't still be recovering.

And that brought another thought to her mind: how did everyone at the precinct not realize Jane was going… crazy? Had this all been part of some way to protect her? Keep her from having a mental breakdown and jumping ship? For that, Jane was slightly thankful that everyone had been so considerate toward her, but then again, she didn't need anyone to protect her. Everyone should have just told her the truth from the start; maybe that would have made things easier.

Jane drove aimlessly, the constant hum of the engine seeming to be the only thing keeping her calm. She bit back more tears, her cheeks feeling raw and her jaw aching from biting down so hard. There was a large part of her that wanted to go to sleep. Maybe she'd wake up and everything would be back to normal. Maybe this was all a bad dream, and she'd wake up and call Maura and offer to go do yoga, because that's what Maura likes to do sometimes when she thinks Jane is stressed. Or she would just drive to Maura's house right now and finally tell that woman how much she loves her. But she couldn't go there right now because, well, she just left from there. Frankie, Frost, Ma, Korsak, they were probably all still there, having a delightful little dinner now that Jane the off-the-wall-crazy-woman has finally left the room.

Jane didn't know how she was feeling anymore. She felt… numb. Her feelings, her body, her brain, everything seemed to just shut down into a serene calmness that should have startled her, but she felt strangely peaceful.

So what Maura's dead?

So what she fucked the memory of her dead best friend?

So what she's been hanging out with Maura all the time?

So what she's been crazy?

So what she's going insane?

She could fix it; she could hide it. She could always hide it in the end.

Jane drove back to her apartment and parked outside, looking at the familiar steps that seemed less and less like her home by the day. She had come to believe Maura's house was like her home, since she spent a lot of her time there. She practically lived there, but now… what is her home now?

She unlocked the door with unsteady fingers and looked around the apartment. Jo was gone; Korsak offered to take him off her hands after the shooting, back when Jane still wasn't really able to move. She stared at the couch she spent days on; if she couldn't remember the specifics of each day, she could at least remember the pain she was in. It hurt to breathe, it hurt to eat, it hurt to drink, it hurt to survive. In retrospect, now that Jane finally knows Maura was dead, maybe a lot of that pain came from Maura… not being there.

She remembered how hard it had been, trying to move around her apartment. She kicked away any help from anyone, including her family. She didn't want anyone around to help her because damnit, Jane Rizzoli wasn't helpless. While she did make things a few thousand times harder for herself, she at least learned to survive on her own.

_On her own. _

She was alone that entire time. She once thought that the only person she needed in the world was Maura. If Maura was with her, she could survive most anything. Maura would be the one to get her through a tough day, or help her relax on the couch with takeout and a movie. Maura would be the one because she was _the one. _She still is the one, but now, she isn't anything… not anymore.

Jane walked slowly to her kitchen, her boots hard on the wood floor. She opened the fridge and pulled out a beer, noting quickly in her mind how Maura keeps those same beers in her own fridge… if Maura's been gone this entire time, who's been stocking the fridge?

And Maura's home was kept clean and liveable this entire time. Most things were the same, with the same utensils and cookware in mostly the same spots. Maura's bedroom was just the same, Maura's shampoo and conditioner were still in the shower, Maura's towels still hung on the racks.

There's no possible way Maura was dead.

Jane laughed out loud to herself as she popped that cap off the beer bottle on the kitchen counter. Really, if you looked at everything that's been happening, there's no _possible _way for Maura to be dead. Jane's not _that _crazy.

She chuckled as she made her way over to the couch. She realized that the past five months would have just been awkward as hell if she tried to reach out and touch Maura and she wasn't there. She was there the whole time, Jane could feel her.

But she couldn't _feel_ her… Jane shook that thought out of her mind, but the worry from the past five months was back again. _Maura's alive, _Jane thought. _But what if something happens to her soon? _

Maura's alive.

The more Jane thought about it, over everything that's happened, over everything she's felt, she realized that to think Maura was dead had to be probably the most ridiculous notion Jane's ever had. Her family couldn't pull this one over her eyes, so she rolled them at the thought. What were they even thinking? Maura's been alive this entire time, hell, Jane saw her yesterday. Jane dreamed about her, touching her skin, kissing her, all this time… no, Maura really couldn't be dead. It's not possible.

But the guilt was back. The pain was back. The stabbing echo of emptiness resonated within Jane's chest and, who knows what might happen to Maura tomorrow? But Maura was unreachable, her phone was off. Jane thought she shook this feeling away, but now it's back. She… she held her breath, waiting for what her mind was going to say. What was it going to say? She couldn't remember. She couldn't think of what she was about to think. What did she want?

She wanted Maura.

Plain and simple. She just wanted her best friend, right now. Her best friend, her lover, her life. She needed her right now, to know she was okay, to see she was really alive. But Maura is nowhere to be found. At the moment, Jane reminded herself.

But the dread, the doom, the pain, the torture, it all came crashing back to her. What if there was something seriously wrong. Maura's alive and that's all Jane needed to know, but she could feel something. She could feel something was coming and something was going to tear her apart still, even while her own family tried to tear her apart.

Jane couldn't help but feel she was too late.

_Too late for what? What am I missing?_

Jane screamed it at herself as she downed her beer in one big gulp. She found that the slight and miniscule buzz she received from the beer wasn't enough for her right now; she needed something stronger. She owed it to herself anyway. The hell she just put herself through with believing what her family and partners told her. The agony of her mind playing tricks on her with the roller coaster of emotions. After all this, Jane deserved to go out and do whatever the _fuck _she wanted.

Even though she knew she would never do this, Jane Rizzoli would never _ever _do this, the last thing she wanted to be right now was Jane Rizzoli. She needed a night to forget about this, forget about everything. She wanted this night to become a blur in her mind. She didn't want to feel this, so she wasn't going to. She didn't want to remember any of this by tomorrow because why would she? This was hell. Everything was hell. Everything was becoming hell and tonight, she was going to damn even herself to hell.

She made up her mind by the time she was standing up. She would never do this, never. But tonight, she didn't give a damn. She gets to forget this, because she wanted to. She gets to do what she wants now because she spends too much damn time worrying about everything else.

She grabbed her coat, her wallet, and her keys and practically ran out the door, skipping down the hallway to get to the nearest club.

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**I am aware of how abrupt the end of this chapter was and how strange it seemed to be but just wait I know where I'm going with this I promise. Hope you liked it! Tell me what you think. **


	10. Chapter 10

**I had a lot of fun writing this chapter, and I kinda wish it would last longer, but I didn't want you guys to have to suffer through a 12943871948719 word chapter. Hope you like it!**

**I also wanted to make things a little lighter, a little crazier. One thing we haven't seen in my story is Jane letting loose and trying to let go of things, so here it is.**

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For being "early" in the night, the club was nearly in full swing. Jane made her way through the crowd toward the bar, swaying side to side with the beat of the music and the flow of the people. She could feel eyes on her but she ignored them; let them look, she doesn't even care tonight. She walked with swagger, the appreciative stares only reassuring her: she didn't even have to give a damn and yet, some things came as naturally to her as breathing… like charisma.

As soon as she sat down, she was approached by a busty brunette wearing way too much eyeliner and not enough shirt. Jane was momentarily surprised when she remembered she was, indeed, in a lesbian club.

There was only so much she could do now for herself, and that included indulging in her feminine attractions. After holding it in for so long and having it finally come out, albeit, a little too late, she thought she should be able to entertain herself. Maura's not there anymore to help her, or really do anything anymore, so Jane could do it herself.

"Haven't seen you around here," the woman said. Jane smirked. "Can I buy you a drink?"

"Scotch," Jane replied casually, not put off by the way the woman was leaning suggestively on the counter.

"I'm Siobhan."

"Jane."

Siobhan ordered their drinks, doubling it for herself.

"What brings you around here?" Siobhan asked, leaning closer to Jane and tilting her head down, looking up at Jane through her full mascara-dipped eyelashes.

"Just unwinding."

"Well, if you want a good time," Siobhan said, leaning in close and making it a point to drag her eyes over Jane's body. She put a hand on Jane's bicep, giving it a sharp squeeze. Jane's been undercover in situations where she would be blatantly objectified, and she knew how to remain calm and _sexy_. This also brought back memories of meeting Maura…

"Ah, well," Jane said, returning the look-over. Siobhan, probably subconsciously, pushed her chest out. But that could have very well been intentional.

Siobhan's hand trailed up her shoulder, over to the line of her t-shirt. Her hand moved to Jane's neck, then under her chin. She brushed her fingers under, nudging Jane's face up and forward, but Jane slinked back, smiling apologetically but flirtatiously.

Jane cleared her throat. "You're not really my type," Jane said, halfway honestly. She didn't know what it was, but this woman was… not what Jane saw in her mind when she tried to picture anyone other than Maura. Jane slapped herself internally. She shouldn't compare everything to Maura because Maura's never going to be back, and she never had Maura anyway, so really, there's nothing to compare to.

"C'mon, baby," Siobhan said, slinking closer, standing in between Jane's legs. "We can go somewhere private…" Siobhan moved in to kiss Jane's neck but she moved out of the way. This woman's quick advances were bugging Jane. She didn't mind advances, but propositions for sex after being in the club for less than five minutes was just… ridiculous.

"No thanks," Jane said, trying to push Siobhan back. The woman didn't budge. She pulled back and licked her lips.

"Are you serious?" Siobhan asked, all signs of flirtation in her voice gone. She actually had a low voice, not as low as Jane's, but the flirty voice made it at least a few steps higher. Jane scoffed internally at the sudden face change. She would have laughed out loud if Siobhan didn't look completely and seriously put off by the idea of being turned down.

"Yeah," Jane said slowly, her eyebrows raised, eyes wide, and jaw popped. She didn't think she could look more insolent if she tried.

Siobhan's jaw dropped and she huffed as she turned around, looking as if she were briefly contemplating throwing the remainder of her drink at Jane. As soon as Siobhan's back was turned, Jane chuckled none too sweetly. She couldn't believe Siobhan reacted that way. Did she seriously think that Jane would just go right then? Jane got the feeling that Siobhan was usually the one that did the rejecting, if there was to be any. She glanced up at Siobhan and saw her grinding heavily on a blonde woman on the dance floor. Quick recovery. Jane shrugged and picked up her drink, sipping at it while her eyes scanned over the dance floor.

She was going to dedicate this night to not feeling anything. She was going to forget about everything and surround her senses with completely new things. She was going to be on sensory overload and her mind is going to be occupied by this place, and if her mind even drifts back to today, she was going to shut it down. It wasn't going to bother her today. She deserved her day where she didn't have to worry about anything because, after all, Maura was dead.

Jane sat for twenty minutes, listening to the music and tapping her foot against her barstool, watching the other women in the club dance with each other, hearing the small chatter from separate conversations on different sides of her. She was surprised by how comfortable she felt in this place, as unusual as it was for her to be there anyway. She felt finally at ease, like she didn't have to glance away quickly every time she made eye contact with a woman. She didn't have to hide her _appreciation _for the female form.

It was a few minutes before she noticed the woman sitting diagonal to her on the adjacent side of the rectangular bar. Jane could feel the woman's eyes on her, and every time Jane would glance it that direction, the woman would make eye contact for a few seconds and then look away. Jane tried to pay no mind to it but she kept seeing the woman staring at her out of the corner of her eye. Jane would turn her head to look at her directly but she would look away quickly, as if that was a flight response she didn't intend, since most of the time maintained eye contact for a few seconds before looking away.

The woman had wavy dark blonde hair that went down just past her shoulders. Her face was round and she had a soft-angled jaw. Her cheeks looked soft and her eyes looked friendly but powerful. She sat with her elbows up on the bar, her right hand holding on to her elbow while her left hand brought her drink to her lips.

Jane finally turned toward the woman, raising her eyebrows. "Can I help you?" She was not unkind but she said it pointedly.

"No, I don't think so," the woman said. Her eyes were playful and Jane tilted her head, a smirk on her lips.

"Well, you've been staring at me for the past ten minutes," Jane said.

"Thirteen, but who's counting?" The woman replied cheekily. She smiled brightly and tilted her head, her bright hazel eyes catching the light of the bar. Jane was amused.

"Not me," Jane said, interested to see where this woman would take the conversation.

"Me either." The woman looked off to the side nonchalantly and took a sip of her drink, as if she were never talking to Jane.

Jane raised her eyebrow and smirked. "What's your name?" Jane asked.

The woman's eyes moved over to Jane again and smirked. Her eyes asked, "oh, were you talking to me?" Jane couldn't deny this woman was spunky, but in a very intriguing way. Jane could sense a feeling of playfulness coming from the woman, but it wasn't overt and annoying, and actually kind of entertaining. She was confident, but definitely not in an arrogant way, and Jane knew the woman could definitely be confident and arrogant because, after all, she was undoubtedly beautiful.

"Mia." She took a sip of her drink then set it down, putting her arms down onto the counter and leaning forward toward Jane. She nodded her chin up toward Jane and asked, "You?"

"Jane," Jane replied casually.

Mia smiled and nodded. "The cop. I thought I recognized you."

Jane was momentarily confused but then remembered everything that's happened in the past two years. Her face was in the paper at least three times, as far as she knew. She didn't even know anything from the aftermath of the shooting that killed… Maura.

"Yeah, yeah," Jane said, smiling lightly and scrunching her brow, holding up a finger in recollection. "I remember, didn't I bring you in a while ago? Drugs?" Jane smiled broadly, joking.

"Actually, prostitution, but it's a slippery slope." Mia replied, shrugging and smiling.

Jane laughed a low, gruff laugh, the buzz from her two drinks so far finally settling in. She looked Mia up and down from her waist up, the part that was visible from her position at the bar. Mia looked relaxed and at ease, as if she'd been here a million times and she was completely comfortable with her surroundings. She had an easy power about her that Jane found reassuring, and she didn't know why. She could tell Mia had a dominant yet laid-back energy, and even if this place was new to her, she was calm enough to keep a cool demeanor.

"You come here often?" Jane asked coolly, trying not to make it sound like a pick-up line.

"No," Mia said.

Just then, the new bartended walked by. They were switching off shifts and the new woman noticed Mia.

"Hey, Mia!" The woman said, smiling brightly over her shoulder as she went to fill orders.

"Hey, Sierra," Mia smiled back and then looked toward Jane, who was looking at her incredulously.

"But this isn't your first time here," Jane said, eyebrow quirked.

"Nope," Mia said. "You're new here."

Jane scoffed. "Why would you think that?"

"You look tense. You've been sitting there with your legs crossed and your elbow on the bar for the past, as far as I know, fifteen minutes. You've ordered a drink once and you raised your hand and waited patiently, smiled, and thanked her loudly, making sure she heard you; it was all formalities. That shows unfamiliarity with the person. You've been looking around the place, trying to keep cool and pretend like you know what you're doing, but I can practically see the gears turning in your head, trying to figure the place out." At Jane's disbelieving look, she continued. "Your eyes linger longer than necessary on the entries and exits. You try not to shift in your seat and you're overanalyzing everything. However, you do feel comfortable here, hence the open yet reserved way you're sitting."

Jane stared at Mia hard, trying to figure out exactly how long the woman had been looking, no, _observing _her. Jane realized how creepy that could be, but Jane found it interesting that this woman she hardly knew would presume to know so much about her in this place.

At Jane's silence, Mia smirked. "I'm right, aren't I?"

Jane gave no sign as to whether Mia was right or wrong, or so she thought.

"The corners of your mouth just twitched upward. I know I'm right," Mia said, smiling proudly.

Jane was once again baffled by this woman, and it was evident on her face. Mia laughed, a tiny hint of nervousness creeping in finally.

"I've… scared you. I'm sorry," Mia said, holding up her hands in surrender. "I keep forgetting that most people don't like when I do that."

"Oh, no! No, it's fine, really! I was just… surprised. I wasn't expecting it," Jane said, smiling, feeling the desire to reassure this woman. She didn't want her to think she had offended Jane somehow because, well, she hadn't. "I have… had a fr-friend who analyzed things like that. I always thought it was pretty cool."

Mia smiled, thankful Jane wasn't putoff.

"It is, and it's not as difficult as a lot of people think it is. You just have to know what to look for and then everything is obvious," Mia said, her voice playfully hinting that she knew more.

Jane was slightly hooked, though she really didn't want to admit it. _What else can she tell about me?_

"You're left handed, a runner, probably in high school, very independent but a romantic at heart. You're cautious but outgoing. And… you're confused."

"Well yeah, I'm confused. How do you even know all that?"

"I'm really good at reading people, but I know you are too, and I know you know that's not the 'confused' I meant. And, I'm secretly Sherlock Holmes." Mia laughed, and Jane joined. "No, really, most of it an educated guess, and I _have _seen your stories in the paper." She took a sip of her drink. "I've heard a lot about you."

"Don't believe any of it, none of it's true," Jane joked.

"Now that, I don't believe," Mia said.

Jane shrugged. To be honest, Jane was a little scared Mia was going to ask her about… things. Everything in the paper was warped by the reporters and fantastic tales from third-hand accounts. Jane really didn't know what would be true and what would be false in those stories anyway, all she knew was the first-person experience she had and, of course at this point, she was not reliable.

To Jane's relief, Mia seemed content with Jane's shift from the subject.

"So, what do you do, Mia?" Jane asked. "It's only fair you tell me some stuff about you, since I can't do that fancy people-reading thing that you and Mau-" Jane cut herself off quickly. "that you do."

If Mia caught the mistake, she didn't show it.

"I'm a doctor," Mia said.

Jane squinted her eyes. "Where does the profiling thing come into play?"

"Spare time, hobby, curiosity. And plus, I'm a psychologist. I'm kinda really good at knowing how people think," Mia said.

"Ah, that explains everything," Jane said, acting as if she was suddenly enlightened, widening her eyes and straightening her back on the stool. She uncrossed her legs and leaned onto the bar.

"Why are you confused?" Mia asked lightly, allowing Jane to change the subject if she wanted. Mia was just curious.

Of course, Jane did know what Mia was talking about that first time Mia mentioned it; she just didn't want to answer, didn't know if she could. She didn't even want to think about it tonight, let alone talk about it tonight. She made a promise to herself to not _think _tonight and let herself go. She'd think about it and worry even more and drown herself in pain another day; this night was Jane's.

"It's been a hectic day," Jane said plainly, quickly erasing her previous thoughts from her mind and taking a clearing breath.

"You look tired," Mia commented, nodding.

Jane nodded as well, looking down at the brown bar, at her nearly empty drink glass.

"Can I buy you a drink," Jane offered.

"I'll have what you're having," Mia replied.

Jane flagged down the new bartender and asked for two scotch on the rocks.

"Why'd you go into psychology?" Jane asked.

"Seemed interesting. Why are you a detective?"

"Seemed interesting."

Mia laughed, tasting her own medicine. "Nah, you just like strapping on a gun every day." Jane looked smug and winked.

"More than one?" Mia asked, half surprised, half impressed. Her eyes trailed down to Jane's lean waist and arms, doubting that Jane could conceal any weapon on her. It was also an obvious attempt to check Jane's body out, and they both knew it.

"You'll never know," Jane smirked as the bartender handed her and Mia their drinks.

"I've still never seen you before," Mia said.

"Well, maybe I just come on nights you're not here."

"I feel like we've already established that you're new here," Mia said sweetly.

Jane laughed.

"Yeah, fine. It's my first time here," Jane said, holding up her drink and toasting to the room before taking a large sip.

"To your first time," Mia said back lightly, and tipped her head back to drink half the glass. Jane raised her eyebrow at the curiously but smiled, a little bit impressed at how Mia seemed to be able to drink it down without a hitch.

"I hope you don't mind me asking this, but are you gay?" Jane asked, trying to make it seem as little a deal as possible.

Mia widened her eyes, not expecting that question. Jane took momentary pride in the fact she seemed to catch the ever-composed Mia off guard.

Mia sat up looked around the club and held up her arms. She turned her face back to Jane and shrugged.

"You know, I'm not really sure. I thought I came to a straight club tonight." Jane laughed. "Are you?" Mia asked back.

"Uh…" Jane didn't know. She'd only been with – well, _thought _she'd been with – one girl. That was a disaster, she was a disaster, and everything was a disaster. Was she really gay now? Or at least, bisexual? She definitely appreciated women, but was there more to it? Jane came here tonight, after all, and was actually enjoying herself; there must be _something _that's telling her this is right. "I think so, yeah."

"You think so?" Mia asked.

"Well, bisexual, probably." Jane thought about it for a split second before realizing that sounded correct. It was correct because Jane _is_. "Yeah, I'm bi…sexual." Jane didn't know if she was comfortable saying just "bi" yet because that would mean Jane would _know _what the hell was even going on anymore. Jane finished the rest of her drink in one brave gulp, barely holding back a cough. Jane could feel the initial light swoon go to her head as she breathed out.

"Are you in the mood to dance?" Mia asked.

"Depends on who's asking," Jane smirked.

Mia winked and stood up, coming around the corner of the bar to hold out her hand. Jane rolled her eyes jokingly and looked at Mia with a raised eyebrow.

"Alright, you don't seem like the type to want to 'take my hand' but just c'mon," Mia said, half laughing.

Jane sighed and pretended this was the most arduous task to ever be done in her life and raised her hand to plop it in Mia's. She let Mia pull her to her feet and over to the sea of dancing people. There was a height difference of about four or five inches but, Jane noticed, Mia made up with them in heels. Mia turned around to face her quickly, both of them being pushed back and forth by the movements of others and trying not to lose the other. Mia squinted at Jane for a second trying to decide which course of action would be best and finally settled on resting her hands on Jane's shoulders. Jane nodded, most likely to herself, and put her hands on Mia's hips.

Mia's arms pulled themselves tighter around Jane's neck and brought the two of them closer together, moving them both to the beat of the music.

They turned a little and the bright lights from the ceiling came around to light up the dance floor. Jane nearly lost her footing because she swore she just saw Maura in her arms, smiling up at her. Jane was briefly stunned and almost dropped her hands but something held her in place.

Mia noticed, and concern flashed briefly on her face, but she didn't press the issue.

They continued dancing and Jane stared at Mia, trying hard to hide the fact she was analyzing every detail of her. Now she was sure, Mia was as similar to Maura as a person could be, down to the detail of the eyes which, Jane noticed, had what Jane liked to think of as the "golden explosion" right around the pupils. She was brilliant, like Maura, and if Jane adjusted her hands correctly, she was soft, like Maura.

Jane didn't want to let Maura consume her, not tonight. She didn't want anything of Maura to be around her tonight because that's why she came here! To get away from everything! She wanted to get away from _that _pain, the torture of seeing your dead best friend everywhere, _if _she really was even dead. She just needed to escape this worry for just one night. _Just one night, can't someone give that to me? _

"Is everything okay?" Mia asked, not able to mask the concern for Jane's sad face.

Jane looked at Mau-Mia… Mia again and stared hard.

"Yeah, everything's alright," Jane said, putting on a bright, almost sincere smile. Mia was genuinely nice, Jane shouldn't put anything over her.

They danced for a while, quickly and gently swaying to the beat of changing songs. After a few songs they made their way back over to the bar to sit and talk and give their feet a rest. They were hot and sweaty from being surrounded by hundreds of dancing people, yet Jane somehow felt really nice. This was better than she felt in a long time, and it didn't include a pressure hanging over her shoulders. This felt carefree and made Jane feel a lot better about what she was doing tonight, what she planned to do tonight. She'll worry about it tomorrow, because nothing was going to bother her tonight.

She'd promised herself this.

Jane ordered two drinks for them and they sat down, breathing hard, on the verge of laughing. They both seemed to be in good moods now and Jane didn't want to ruin it by continuing thoughts of how much Mia reminded her of Maura. The more Jane thought about it, the more she saw Maura, and she couldn't get that out of her head.

The only reasonable solution was alcohol.

"Why're you here?" Jane asked, a little breathless. Her face was flushed from the temperature of the room and the physical movement.

"I came to dance," Mia smirked. "Didn't you?"

Jane couldn't help but admire Mia and the way she seemed to be confident in everything she said. She seemed to be genuine and strong, and Jane liked that; she liked that Mia didn't seem to need anyone to lean on, or even talk to. Jane was just a happenstance.

As the waiter brought their drinks, Jane noticed the busty brunette from earlier dancing about twenty feet away. She seemed to be enjoying herself and looked far more inebriated than before.

Mia turned her head to look toward where Jane was frowning and saw Siobhan, a club regular and quickie-extraordinaire.

"No," Mia said, eyes widening. She looked as if Jane had just told her something positively scandalous.

Jane looked back at Maura and saw her facial expression, quickly realizing what Mia was thinking. Or maybe she didn't realize, but she didn't want Mia to think she was checking Siobhan out.

"No!" Jane said quickly. "No, she hit on me earlier. Literally, I was in here for thirty seconds and she starting rubbing her breasts in my face. I was just- really?"

Mia laughed, which was something, Jane noted, Maura wouldn't have taken as a joke. Maura would have taken that completely seriously and been quite alarmed by Siobhan's audacity.

"Yeah, she does that. She comes in here, rubs up against any woman that breathes, and then takes them home. Or to the back, whichever."

"And you would know from…?"

"The talk," Mia replied coolly, taking a sip of her drink.

Jane seemed to be thinking that a lot tonight: Mia did things coolly, collectedly, and calmly. Except dancing, because then, Mia gets with the beat.

Jane nodded, scanning her eyes over the crowd. It was busier than before, if that was even possible, and they all seemed to be crowded in there like sardines. Jane noticed that it was also considerably hotter and her clothes were starting to stick to her skin from the combination of sweat and rising temperatures. Even the cool drink wasn't cooling her down.

"Hey, do you want to get out of here?" Jane realized the double meaning of her sentence but she held it back. She found herself not really minding if Mia was thinking what, honestly, Jane was also thinking.

Mia smiled, lowering her chin and leaning forward in her chair to say in a low voice, "Oh, I don't go home with strangers." She cocked her eyebrow.

"We're not strangers," Jane said, equally cocky.

"I don't even know your last name."

"Rizzoli." Jane nodded her head toward Mia. _Your turn?_

"Isaacs."

Jane tilted her head and looked at Mia, realizing that their faces were mere inches from each other.

"Well let's get out of here, Mia Isaccs."

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**If any of you were wondering if this was as out of character for Jane as you thought, it's because: it is.**

**Hope you liked it. I assume you all know what's coming next.**


	11. Chapter 11

**I loved all your responses to the last chapter, they were exactly what I needed! Keep 'em coming, though. I especially want to know your thoughts on Mia and this chapter. Like I said before, I've got a few things left to write out, but your suggestions are taken into consideration.**

**Let this be a reminder of the M rating.**

**PS, sorry for the multiple failed attempts to upload this chapter. I've been trying to upload it since 10:00 AM Saturday morning (like usual) but it's just not uploading correctly. I'm sorry for the wait, guys, I know this chapter has just been _taunting _you.**

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Jane didn't drink nearly enough at the bar, so as soon as she got home, she broke open the bottle jack she kept for special occasions. This wasn't really a special occasion, but tonight was the night to be inebriated.

Mia kicked off her heels next to the door, setting them next to Jane's boots, and followed her over to the kitchen counter. She leaned against it, admiring Jane's living room. From what she heard about the detective and read in the papers, she did not expect the place to look so… nice. Though the place didn't necessarily feel very recently "lived-in", the colors of the furniture and rugs and curtains made everything feel warm. The place felt like _the place _for the woman standing in front of her, pouring out the gold liquid into two glasses.

Now, though, Jane seemed to not want to be here. The way she hunched her shoulders to hide herself, the way she kept her head down, the way she shifted between her feet, were all signs of how uncomfortable Jane seemed to be. _Or maybe, _Mia thought, _maybe it's me. _

Mia couldn't deny her instant attraction to the tall, dark, and beautiful woman. It was hard not to notice her and be drawn toward her. Jane was no doubt one of the most beautiful and gorgeous women Mia had ever seen and, lucky for her, Jane didn't seem to be in the mood for a quick conversation and a quick fuck. Lucky for her, because, Mia liked to consider herself quite a charmer.

"So, why exactly did you bring me here?" Mia asked casually, sitting down on the stool next to the counter.

Jane pushed one of the glasses toward her. "For alcohol."

"They had alcohol at the club."

"Yeah, but it was getting a little hot in there."

"Oh I'm sorry, you should have said. Would you like me to leave the room?" Mia smirked

Jane huffed a laugh and swirled the brown liquid in her mouth before swallowing with a large painful gulp.

"No." Jane smiled into the rim of her glass.

Mia smiled back, taking a sip as well.

Without the thrum of the club as the surrounding noise, Jane felt a bit of discomfort sit inside her. It wasn't because of the thing she wasn't going to think about tonight, but more because she just… didn't know what to do next. She brought Mia back here for a reason, and she was sure Mia knew it as well. Even if their intentions weren't for that, their flirtatious momentum began again as soon as Jane helped her remove her coat at the door.

Jane knew why she brought Mia back here, even if that wasn't the original plan. Jane had no idea this was how the night would turn out, but now, it seemed as if it would be that way. And hell like Jane to feel like she owed this woman anything. She knew Mia for about an hour, she owes Mia nothing. She could tell Mia to leave right now. But Jane didn't want to. She wanted Mia to stay. She wanted Maur – Jane's breath hitched – Mia.

Mia noticed Jane's breath hitch and peered at her over the edge of her glass. She didn't want to ignore that anymore, and something seemed to be bothering this mysterious woman tonight.

"Are you alright?" Mia asked gently.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," Jane said with an unusual amount of enthusiasm. She grabbed the bottle of alcohol and poured herself another glass.

"I know I'm just a stranger, but I think I should just remind you: I'm a psychologist. I can probably help you get to the root of whatever it is that's bothering you." Mia was soft with her words and non-implicit with her meaning.

Jane considered this for a moment, actually pausing and tilting the bottle away from her glass. Did she want to tell Mia everything? Mia could help her. Mia could fix her. Jane could finally talk about things she'd been holding in and try to find a solution. Jane could maybe finally feel light and happy again because, God, Jane couldn't remember the last time she felt genuinely happy. Jane could tell from Mia's voice she didn't think Jane was crazy. Could Jane tell? Finally get everything off her chest?

Jane finally just made up her mind. She put down the bottle and the glass, looking up to stare Mia directly in the eye as she spoke.

"No."

The shift in the room was immediate and they both sensed it.

"Are you sure?" Mia asked.

Jane moved around the counter and stood in front of Mia. She put her arms out and braced her hands on the counter, trapping Mia between her arms. Her face was less than an inch from Mia's and Mia showed no sign of moving; no sign of intimidation or unsteadiness.

Mia looked just as predatory as Jane felt.

"Yes," Jane gruffed, her body barely swaying forward and backward with the heartbeat thudding inside her chest, seeming to completely move her body.

"Are you sure?" Mia's voice seemed to drop an octave, her voice barely above a scratch as her eyes darted down to Jane's lips then back up to those brown eyes. She wasn't talking about talking out Jane's problems anymore.

"Yes."

They waited there; waited to see who would make the first move, see who would break first. Who was going to break the silence? Their breaths were getting quicker by the second and their heartbeats were rocking in their chests, almost ready to jump out from the tension in the room.

They could have stayed there, staring at each other for the next few minutes, stealing glances at each other's lips and teasing each other with the heartbeats they swore they could hear, but that would be no fun.

Mia's hands reached up to cup Jane's face and in a flash their faces were pulled together, connected by a flurry of open-mouthed kisses, lips, and sucking. Mia jumped out of the stool and landed with her feet in between Jane's. Jane quickly kicked the stool to the side with her foot and roughly backed Mia up against the counter, leaning in and hooking her arms around the now slightly shorter woman.

Jane bit her lip between her teeth and pulled back slowly, letting the lip slide out with the distance.

"You're shorter without your heels," Jane smirked, sucking Mia's bottom lip between her teeth.

"You gonna arrest me?" Mia said, claiming Jane's lips again, hungrily, closing her eyes and trying to get as much contact with Jane's mouth as possible.

"If you're into that sorta thing," Jane whispered back, pressing her body completely against Mia. Mia's arms snaked up and around Jane's neck, connecting their lips. They could break away for split seconds, allowing them to quickly suck in a breath but allowing them to reposition their lips, to taste a new part of each other's mouths.

"Are you, Detective?" Mia asked. Mia pushed hard and threw her body into Jane's, causing Jane to stumble backward and fall down to the wood floor. Mia straddled Jane's hips and placed her elbows next to Jane's head, holding onto the dark brown hair with her hands and pulling her face toward hers. Their kisses grew in passion and force and Jane moved her hands up from her sides to squeeze Mia's ass. Jane pressed Mia's hips down as she pressed her own hips up, rubbing their still-clothed centers together.

Jane sat up quickly, still holding on to Mia's ass and pulling her closer. Mia was still straddling Jane's hips, but now she wrapped her legs around Jane's torso, running her hands through the wild, curly, brown hair.

Their lips finally separated with a loud pop and they looked at each other, the frenzy from earlier sated down to an erratic desire. Both their lips were swollen and pink, with light teeth marks visible on Mia's bottom lip. Jane licked her lips and released Mia.

"Stand up," Jane said. Mia pushed herself up and off and offered a hand to pull Jane up. Jane took it and pulled herself up, coming to stand in front of Mia. Jane moved her head forward, as if to kiss Mia again, but pulled back at the last second, laughing lightly to herself as Mia's face, eyes already closed and lips already parted, followed then paused at the lack of contact.

"Uh-uh, Mia," Jane said. Mia growled lightly. "Go to my bedroom down the hall. You better be naked and on the bed in thirty seconds."

Mia stood there, challenging Jane.

"Twenty-eight, twenty-seven…" Mia didn't hear Jane count down the rest of the numbers because she immediately sprinted down the hall, struggling out of her shirt on the way.

Jane chuckled to herself as she heard the patter of quick footsteps going toward the bedroom. She reached around and picked up her half-full glass and downed the rest of it, appreciating the burn.

This was her night.

Jane strode proudly toward the bedroom, recognizing the scattered pieces of Mia's clothing dotting the path. She pushed open the door to see Mia lying on the bed, back propped up against the headboard, her legs bent up and crossed at the ankle. Mia was nervously playing with the edge of the pillow behind her, and Jane was pretty sure Mia didn't realize she was doing it. As soon as Jane opened the door, Mia lowered her chin, staring up toward Jane with a lustful expression.

Jane's jaw nearly dropped. Mia's hair was hanging down over her shoulders, barely brushing the tops of round breasts. They were moving out and up with quick breaths and Mia looked barely able to hold herself still. Jane walked to the end of the bed and stood in front of it. They stared at each other for a moment, sizing each other up. Mia held her ground, unbothered by the fact there was significantly more clothes on Jane than on herself.

Jane's hand moved to her pants and began slowly unbuttoning her belt. She pulled it free, slowly pulling the leather out from the pant straps. Mia's breath quickened, watching Jane's fingers work at the buckle and pulling out. Mia watched as Jane's hand dipped under the waist of her pants and pulled the shirt out, slowly raising it over her stomach. Mia sucked in her bottom lip and bit, barely able to keep herself from jumping up and ripping the clothes off with her own hands.

Jane raised the shirt over her head, tossing it to the side. She slowly tossed her hair back over her shoulder, completely exposing her front. She moved her hands to the button of her pants, slowly snapping it open. She lowered the zipper at a torturously slow pace and watched Mia's eyes follow the trail, as if trying to lower it with her mind. Mia licked her lips.

Jane stood and smirked, posed about to push her pants over her hips. Mia's eyes burnt into Jane, willing her to undress faster. Jane just smirked, watching Mia squirm under her own gaze.

"Do it, Jane," Mia husked, waiting with bated breath to see Jane's long legs.

"Do what?" Jane asked innocently, like she wasn't already half dressed.

"Ugh!" Mia groaned and hit the bed with her fists. Her legs fell open and she reached between them, using her own hand to soothe the throbbing in her core. Her fingers slid through wet heat and, unable to stop the moan from bubbling out from her throat, she made direct eye contact with Jane.

_The longer you wait… _

Jane's eyes widened as she watched Mia's fingers dip into herself. Mia pulled them out and brought them up to her lips, making sure Jane was watching as she sucked her fingers into her mouth and made a clear show of enjoying herself.

_Well played, _Jane thought, pushing her pants over her legs and crawling onto the bed in her bra and panties, caging Mia beneath her. Jane leaned forward and nudged Mia's hand away with her chin and kissed her lips thoroughly, tasting the essence of Mia.

"Oh my god," Jane moaned. She wanted to drink every part of Mia in. Jane crawled up the bed even further and pushed Mia's legs even wider with her own knees, leaving Mia completely exposed. Jane's hands buried themselves in that dark blonde hair, pulling her chin up so Jane could feel Mia's torso against her own and still be kissing her. Jane was on her knees, looming above Mia, and her skin felt like it was on fire.

Jane slowly untangled her left hand from Mia's hard and traced her fingers lightly over Mia's neck, down her chest and to a pert nipple. She pinched the small bud between her thumb and index finger, casing Mia to jump slightly into her hand. Her hand continued a blazing trail down Mia's stomach, dipping down into her naval before continuing even further down.

Jane, her mouth still on Mia's lips, covered Mia's center with her entire hand, pressing her palm flat against Mia's clit. The sound that came out of Mia was between a moan and a sigh of relief and Jane felt it echo in her mouth as their tongues slid over each other's.

She played around in Mia's wetness, covering her hand with the slick substance and brushing Mia's clit. She teased around the folds, as if she were idly stroking the fur of a kitty instead of, well…

"Inside. Now." Mia growled, pulling Jane roughly back by her hair. Jane smirked as the skin on her neck was pulled tight with Mia's grasp.

"You're so bossy," Jane said, her fingers still sliding around. She was content to torture Mia for the next few minutes.

Mia pulled Jane's face close to hers and her eyes were wild, lust filled, and deepest shade of hazel she could ever recall seeing. They reminded her so much of-

Mia suddenly slid her hand inside of Jane's panties, her fingers immediately finding the brunette's clit. Jane cried out at the unexpected touch and responded immediately, grinding herself down on to Mia's hand. Sensing that she could just as well torture her also, Jane slid two fingers deep inside Mia's center. Reciprocation was immediate. She hooked her fingers up and pulled Jane closer to get more leverage to start thrusting.

Jane ground down onto Mia's hand as her own fingers pounded in. Mia leaned forward and used her other hand to remove Jane's bra with a flick of her fingers. The straps loosened and fell forward and Mia slid it off the unoccupied arm, letting the other strap hang on to her wrist. Mia leaned forward and sucked Jane's breast in, covering the nipple with her tongue. Jane threw her head back, her long curly hair brushing her lower back. She arched into Mia's mouth, demanding for _more. _

The room was filled with fast gasps and long moans as one hit a particularly sensitive spot in the other. They pounded away, speeding up the pace but taking it down when the they felt tremors beginning to build, intending to draw this out for as long as possible. They conducted each other's sexual form of torture, both stubborn enough and ready to prove they can hold on for as long as the other.

Jane closed her eyes and turned her face toward the ceiling, letting her dark hair cascade down her back. She was bouncing up and down against that wonderful hand that felt so good inside her and she clutched the honey blonde hair closer to her chest, urging for more attention to her nipples.

"Maur," Jane moaned. She could feel her orgasm building, no matter how slow the fingers inside her slowed.

She felt the lips around her nipple turn up into a smile and Jane almost groaned.

"Maura," Jane growled this time, her strangled cry escaping her lips as she clutched her head closer to her chest.

To Mia's ears, it sounded just like Jane begging for more.

Wordlessly, Mia inserted another finger, giving Jane no time to adjust as she pounded harder and slammed her palm into Jane's clit with more force. Jane cried out and pounded her own fingers harder into Mia, pressing her own palm flat to rub against the sensitive bundle of nerves. Jane hunched forward as her orgasm flew through her, racking her body with powerful spasms and clenching hard on Mia's hands. Mia came over at the sight of Jane's hair falling over her face, twisted in pleasure and pain, her fingers pulsing inside her.

They shuddered against each other for a few minutes, each little bump as they shifted slightly caused a wave of aftershocks to their sensitive cores.

Jane moved to settle down on the bed between Mia's legs and stretched her legs out from under her, wrapping them loosely around Mia's lower back. She withdrew her fingers and buried them in Mia's hair, pulling her head forward to rest their foreheads together. Her eyes were still closed and her breathing was still ragged, but she held Mia's face close anyway. She could feel Mia's quick breaths on her sweaty upper lip and she tilted their heads up to place open-mouthed kisses to Mia's mouth.

They kissed all over each other's faces, warming in the afterglow. Mia's hand withdrew from Jane and wrapped around the small waist, pulling their upper bodies together. Mia held tightly onto Jane, enjoying the kisses Jane was laying upon her face.

The heat from earlier in the night was gone.

The frenzy, the lust, the insatiable ache, was gone, and replaced by something gentler.

Jane liked this feeling right now.

Holding Mia felt nice, but, Jane had a small voice in the back of her mind that told her Mia didn't feel as nice as Maura. Jane tried to push that thought out.

Jane continued kissing Mia lightly, sweetly, lovingly, as if she'd known this woman forever. She pulled back for a moment to look at Mia's face and she saw Maura. She saw Maura opening her eyes, tilting her chin down and making shy eye contact with Jane, smiling easily with those shining hazel eyes.

But it was Mia here right now, not Maura.

The image changed back to Mia, in the same situation. Jane pulled her face forward again and stroked her cheeks as she brushed her thumbs over soft cheeks.

Jane didn't realize she was crying until Mia's arms unwrapped themselves from her waist and nudged her hands out of the way to make room for Mia's own hands to go to Jane's face and wipe away the tears.

"Jane?" Mia asked softly, concerned. She would still listen if Jane wanted to talk. She could tell something was bothering Jane, but she knew Jane would probably not want to open up to a stranger. She spoke to Jane in the club hoping to ease the woman into the obviously new environment, and got an invitation into her home. She came back with Jane in search and need of sex, and got it, oh, she got it. But now that she was sated and relaxed, she found herself still concerned about the woman. She could feel the tension in Jane's body as Jane wrapped her arms around Mia's waist, holding them together.

"I'm not usually a sex-cryer," Jane said hoarsely, attempting to ease the tension she felt.

Mia brushed her thumbs over the tear tracks on Jane's cheekbones.

"Do you want to talk about this?" Mia was gentle.

Jane shook her head, more tears coming out against her will at Mia's kindness.

Mia was soft.

Jane opened her eyes to look at the face that was speaking so sweetly to her but she saw Maura in her place, looking at her with concerned eyes.

Mia was caring.

Maura smiled sweetly at Jane's open eyes, trying to convey trust, belief, friendship.

Mia was Maura.

Jane closed her eyes again. Maura wasn't there with her right now, Maura is not there with her right now.

Maura is dead.

Jane squeezed Mia's waist, clenching her eyes shut. She shook her head quickly, refusing her body's urge to bury her face in Mia's neck and let all her tears flow.

But Mia wouldn't understand. Mia would run away. Mia would show Jane pity. Jane didn't want or need pity, but she did need help. But nobody wants to deal with Jane's insanity; her own family preferred to let it continue rather than try to fix it.

"Do you want me to stay?" Mia asked non-expectantly. Her voice held no leaning toward one answer or the other.

Jane opened her eyes just a crack to look at Mia, and she saw Mia. Honestly, Jane wanted Mia to stay, but a part of her felt guilty. A part of her wanted Mia to leave, but that one part of Jane still wanted Mia to stay.

Jane closed her eyes again when Maura's face flashed in front of her eyes, reflecting Mia's expression.

"Yes, please." Jane replied quietly, mentally kicking herself. She showed Mia the dominant side of her: the badass, sarcastic, charismatic Jane that she was so used to being. It felt good to be herself again for _once again, _finally. But now, Jane was broken down for none other than the reason she wanted to be herself again. Mia's witnessed it all, and, Jane thought, she should get the hell out of there before she had to witness any more madness.

But Jane wanted nothing more than to fall asleep in someone's arms tonight.

"Okay," Mia said, nodding her head. She motioned for Jane to lie down however she pleased. Jane crawled over Mia so she was on the left side of the bed and facing the center. Mia laid down on the right side, facing Jane.

Jane's eyes were closed, her lips sealed tightly in an attempt to hold more tears at bay. Mia watched as Jane struggled to take in a breath and release it, the strength of holding her breath causing the sigh to stutter. Jane tucked one hand under her chin and scooted closer to Mia, allowing their legs to touch and entwine. Mia raised her arm and placed it over Jane's waist, pulling the woman closer, protecting her.

If Jane closed her eyes and imagined, for a moment, that she was back to being herself, she could be happy. If Jane closed her eyes and concentrated really hard, for as long as she could, she convince herself.

For the first time, Jane fell asleep in Maura's arms.


	12. Chapter 12

**So, since I didn't get much feedback about Mia, I'm going to do what I want with her. But opinions and feedback are always welcome, so go ahead and tell me your thoughts! ****We'll see Mia again in a few chapters. ****You guys have no idea how much easier it is to write when I know what you guys want, or are thinking. Part of the reason of this story is for you all, and I'm just putting out words. I'm also terribly sorry for the delay from last chapter, and all the false alarms of the chapter updates (I tried uploading the chapter about seven times before giving up and waiting until Sunday). FF seemed to not want to upload my chapter, which is a problem I hear a couple people had. **

**Also, I probably won't be able to update for another week (instead of updating on my normal schedule every Saturday and Wednesday) because I'm going to be absolutely swamped for the rest of this week and the beginning of next. I'm going to try to write whenever I can though. Hope you like this chapter!**

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Jane woke up in the middle of the night, her face buried in the warm neck of someone sleeping next to her. The dark blonde hair was splayed over the pillow and soft, deep breaths blew through her nose. Her arm was slung over the woman's waist and she reveled in the warmth and smoothness of the skin. She could feel each inhale and exhale under her palm. Jane looked up toward the face and saw the facial silhouette of Maura, someone who she… she didn't know, maybe she was really… dead?

"Maura?" Jane whispered softly, barely a breath.

"Yeah?"

The woman shifted and tilted her head to the side, her eyes still closed. She was barely awake at the moment. Jane noticed the woman's lips, how they had a more curved edge than the woman she knew.

Suddenly, everything that happened a few hours ago flooded back to her. The club, Mia, dancing, the drinking, the kissing, the fucking. She remembered the brief flashes she had of Maura, her image almost nearly reflected in Mia. She remembered the reason for going out that night in the first place. Maura wasn't… Maura couldn't _really _be… no, she couldn't be dead. No.

"Never mind," Jane said, tilting her head back down and resting it on Mia's shoulder. Mia's arm came around her and stroked her shoulder absently for a few seconds until they were both disturbed by a loud banging on the door.

"Jane!"

Jane recognized Frankie's voice on the other side of the door, however muffled his voice was by the door and distance between them.

Jane groaned, rolling onto her back and smacking her hands over her eyes.

"Who's that?" Mia asked quietly.

"My brother," Jane answered, slightly miffed. That must have been what woke her up.

She rolled to the edge of the bed and swung her legs over, quickly looking in her closet for a pair of shorts and a blue t-shirt. She pulled them on and turned back to the bed to find Mia watching her patiently. She was propped up on her elbows and watching Jane get dressed, her blonde curls flowing over her shoulders, the blankets pooled around her waist, leaving her top half completely bare…

Jane shook her head out of her thoughts.

"Stay here, I'm going to go get rid of him."

Jane didn't wait for an answer and she shut the door firmly behind her, making sure to kick Mia's shirt into the bedroom from its previous position right outside the door frame. She trudged to her front door and opened it, making sure to put on her most annoyed look.

"What?" Jane asked, putting her hands on her hips. "It's past midnight."

"I was worried about you, Janie," Frankie replied honestly, as if that was the only explanation Jane needed.

"And it couldn't wait until morning?"

"You weren't answering your phone."

"Then maybe that would tell you I wasn't in the mood to talk."

Frankie crossed his arms, his face unamused.

"How are you doing?" Frankie got right to the point.

"As well as I could when I'm told over dinner that my _best friend is dead._" Jane paused between words, making sure to punctuate each word with a mental punch to Frankie's stomach.

Frankie looked guilty at that, finally. He frowned and looked down to the floor and Jane shifted her weight to her leg, popping out her hip. She crossed her arm and looked at Frankie expectantly, like he should fight back and finally give her a reason for the hell she put herself through before, well, before she went to the club.

"I'm sorry, Jane. We were just, you know, trying to-"

"What? Save me?" Jane asked.

Frankie paused. "Well yeah, I guess."

Jane sighed. "I don't need any saving, Frankie. And you can tell that to Ma. Now can you leave?" Jane made sure to leave out a "please."

"Janie…" Frankie said. It seemed like he was waiting for an invitation in.

"No. Leave. Now."

Jane stood adamant, crossing her arms and baring the entrance.

Frankie sighed and looked around, and then looked back at Jane, his eyes sad.

"We love you, Jane. We really do. We'll talk tomorrow."

Frankie nodded and turned around, walking down the hall and disappearing out of sight.

Jane watched him leave, watched his dejected gait as he retreated into the night. She sighed and closed the door, latching it and locking it. She turned back toward her bedroom and opened the door to find Mia half dressed in the shirt from earlier in the night. She was looking around the room, seeming a little frazzled. She looked up when Jane opened the door and gave Jane a nervous smile.

"I was just, uh, maybe I should go…" Mia mumbled. Honestly she wanted to stay the night because, honestly, she liked Jane.

"No, no," Jane said, walking over to Mia and placing a soft hand on her arm to stall her movements. "Please stay."

Mia searched Jane's eyes for a moment before nodding, but still looking around.

"I should probably find my underwear though."

Jane chuckled under her breath and saw an unfamiliar pair laying haphazardly on the door handle of her bathroom. She walked over to them and slid them off, hanging it off her finger.

"Are these yours?" Jane asked smugly, turning around.

Mia looked over at Jane.

"No," Mia said.

She watched as the smirk faded from Jane's face as she looked over at the panties hanging on her finger. She quickly dropped them to the floor with a quiet "Euuugh."

Mia laughed.

"No, I'm just kidding, they are mine."

Mia walked over and bent to pick them up, sliding them up her legs as she stood up. She came face to face with Jane, their lips barely inches apart.

"Do you want to talk about why that look is back on your face?" Mia asked, her voice soft and gentle.

Jane considered Mia for a moment. It finally hit her exactly how similar she and Maura were. Mia was so similar to the friend she'd just… lost? The hair, the eyes, the curve of the cheek, even the height, though Mia was a little shorter. Jane's eyes softened and saddened as her hand came up to tuck a strand of hair behind Mia's ear. A part of her believed this woman could be Maura because they were just _so similar. _Jane fought the urge to tell the woman in front of her how much she loved her, how much she wanted to love her, how much she wanted to give her. She wanted to get down on her knees and beg the woman in front of her to love her too, to feel what she feels, to run away with her. She wanted them to grow old together. She'd quit her job, move across the country if Maura wanted to.

But the woman standing in front of her wasn't Maura, and never would be. Never again.

Jane felt like crying again but she held it in. Tears didn't become her; she'd done enough crying for the night and Mia already had to suffer through the first round.

"No, I don't want to talk about it," Jane said, her voice quiet. She leaned in slowly and gave Mia a light kiss, letting their lips linger on each other's for a moment, just so she could feel something.

Mia's lips followed after her once their lips parted, but Mia held back. She knew she wasn't what Jane was thinking about right then.

"I'm a great listener," Mia said.

Jane turned out of the bedroom and walked toward her kitchen, Mia followed behind her.

"And I promise I won't go all psychologist on you," Mia said, half joking. She would say whatever Jane would allow her to say.

"Do you want some coffee?" Jane asked, seemingly oblivious to Mia's question. She flipped on the lights over the sink.

"Sure," Mia said, sitting down at the stood she was sitting at earlier. "I'd also like some cream and sugar, if you have some. And also, for you to tell me why you're like this."

"Why I'm like what?" Jane whirled around to face Mia, her hands on the counter.

"Why you're so sad."

Mia was so direct that Jane was taken by surprise. She shouldn't be, though, because if she didn't know any better, you'd have to be blind not to see Jane's sadness.

Jane hesitated before deciding on a slightly honest answer.

"I… lost someone."

Mia nodded as Jane turned away quickly, dumping the instant coffee into the coffee maker and waiting for the liquid to start dripping out.

"I lost someone too," Mia said quietly.

Jane paused briefly but resumed busying herself with meaningless tasks to avoid looking at Mia.

"Who?" Jane asked, trying to hide her curiosity. Did Mia know what Jane was feeling?

"My dad, a couple years ago. He had brain cancer."

Jane paused and turned toward Mia, silently asking her to continue.

"He, uh, it was sudden. They said he had a year to live, but he was gone in three months. Just… died. He seemed normal, but one day he just… was gone."

Jane nodded. She completely understood that; a person being there one day but gone the next, forever.

"Were the doctors wrong?" Jane asked.

"No, they were right. They estimated a year to three years, but then he had a heart attack and died." Mia said. Jane saw a tear roll down her cheek but Mia wiped it away quickly. "I… I'm not sure why I'm telling you this." She suddenly felt ridiculous for telling Jane all this, let alone mentioning it in the first place.

Jane placed a hand over Mia's clenched hands, rubbing her thumb over the flat top of her hand.

"My friend died." _The love of my life died. _"She was… it was sudden." _She was shot. _"And I…" _I can't tell her I've been hallucinating her for the past six months. _"I'm still not over it, and it's been six months."

Mia looked up at Jane.

This was something they shared, something they found in common with each other. They had personalities that automatically connected, but this seemed to be something that would seal them together, somehow, in a twisted way. Jane almost laughed at the thought if the whole idea wasn't so dark.

"I loved her," Jane said quietly.

Mia nodded. "I'm still not over my dad's death either. I've never dealt with death before, and it just hit me suddenly. I felt so lost and so tired, and so sad." Mia moved one of her hands to Jane's face. "It nearly destroyed me."

"I think Maura's still destroying me," Jane said more to herself.

Mia's eyes questioned what Jane said, but Jane didn't want to elaborate further. She pulled her hands from Mia's and walked over to the coffee machine, pouring out the brown liquid into two mugs.

"I don't have any cream, but here's the sugar." Jane reached into her cabinet and pulled out a small glass jar. She looked at it and felt her mind flash back to a moment Maura had held the jar, examining the designs in the glass. It was just a bunch of swirls to Jane, but Maura had thought it was a gorgeous jar. Jane's mother had given it to her a few years ago and Jane never felt more appreciative for a glass jar.

Jane watched as Mia flipped open the lid and took out the small spoon, scooping the white particles into her coffee.

Mia looked up at Jane and smiled lightly. "Should I stir this with my finger?"

Jane laughed, not quite so humorlessly, and reached inside a drawer to fish out a spoon. She handed it to Mia and watched as she stirred the coffee.

Jane took a sip of her coffee, welcoming the warm, bitter taste.

"I feel lost too," Jane said after a few minutes. She was leaning against the counter, the side of her face toward Mia, her arm crossed over her chest and one hand holding her coffee mug. "I feel like everything I've done for the past… six months has been completely... been a complete lie."

Mia nodded. She wasn't going to give Jane a therapist answer, a clinical answer. She knew she wouldn't want that right now if their roles were reversed.

"Don't blame yourself," Mia said, thinking back on her own memories. She found a way to blame herself for her father's death, even though she knew there was absolutely nothing she could have done. "You couldn't have done anything differently to stop her death."

Jane's fist clenched. _I could have done something, I could have saved her. I should have saved her. I should have been the one to die, not Maura. She's so good to the world, and to everyone. She doesn't have a bad bone in her body. I should have died, not Maura. She's such a beautiful soul. _

"I… I know there's stuff I could have done to save her, somehow," Jane muttered, again in her own universe. _Maura can't be dead._ "How did you get over it?"

Mia considered the question, wondering how to word her answer to best explain.

"I… It was hard. It's not something you just get over. Quite honestly, I don't think I'll ever get over losing him. He was my best friend, my protector, my confidante, my hero. He never judged me, never made me feel like I was less of who I am. He encouraged me to do what I wanted to do, even though it went against the family law business. He was my light through a lot of dark times.

"I think that I won't ever really be able to get over it, but something I've found, is that the pain goes away over time. "

Jane considered Mia's words carefully, nodding her head, thinking back to how much she loved Maura. Maura was her best friend, her confidante, her hero. In a way, Maura was also her protector. She protected Jane from herself, protected her from the horrors of the world. Maura's beautiful life bled into Jane and kept Jane's spirits up, kept Jane's heart full of something she never felt before. Maura kept her sane, in a way, and Jane nearly laughed to herself, thinking that after Maura died, Jane lost her mind.

Maura was her savior, encouraged her to be just who she was. She didn't want to change Jane at all and loved her for who she was. Maura was her light… but now the light was gone. It didn't seem like it would ever come back.

"I want to just let her go," Jane said. It seemed to be the first honest words she'd told herself in a long time. As much as she wanted to keep Maura, as much as she wanted to hold on to Maura, she knew there was a part of her that knew... she needed to say goodbye.

But Jane still loved Maura. She can't let her go. She loved her so much it made her physically ache, and the sight of her, or the thought of her, made her want to double over in pain and believe the world when it told her she was never going to be happy again. Maura was her everything, literally, and she couldn't believe she'd gone on this long without her, even though, in her mind, she wasn't without her. _Maura isn't dead._

"I'm, uh, gonna go back to bed," Jane said, dumping the last half of her coffee down the sink. Mia watched as Jane sulked back to her bedroom and she didn't know if she should follow just yet. Maybe she really did overstay her welcome. She should leave…

"Are you coming?" Jane appeared around the corner again. "Mia?"

Mia liked the way Jane said her name, as if they were friends, as if they didn't fuck then break their hearts to each other. Jane made this whole night seem normal.

"Yeah, yeah, let me put this away." Mia stood up and placed her empty coffee cup into the sink. She turned off the lights and followed Jane back into the bedroom. Jane stripped out of her shirt but paused while her hands were at the hem of her shorts, posed to push them down.

"Uh, you don't mind, do you?" Jane asked, suddenly looking bashful.

"Oh of course not," Mia said, moving toward the bed and removing her own shirt. "You have a beautiful body."

Jane's breath hitched. That sounded like something Maura would say to her. Jane pushed the shorts over her legs and stepped out of them, her eyes suddenly transfixed on the backside of Mia that was teased by the falling black lace of her panties.

Jane shook her head and slid into bed, allowing Mia to slide in next to her and adjust herself. They laid stoic, afraid to move, unsure of where to put their limbs. Do they… cuddle, like before?

"I... thanks." Jane whispered into the darkness.

Mia shrugged, even though she knew Jane couldn't see it. Jane felt it, though.

"If you ever want to talk…"

"Yeah, I know. But really, we're still kinda strangers." Mia could hear the smile in Jane's voice. Jane turned on her side and put her arm under head as she faced Mia. She smiled at the blonde woman through the darkness.

"Sure, sure," Mia said, ignoring Jane, closing her eyes and shifting her head into the pillow.

"What are you doing?"

"Trying to sleep. I'm okay with being strangers, I guess. I'm too tired to argue with you."

Jane flashed back again, to when she and Maura were talking about being lesbians. Maura was joking then, and Jane was also, but maybe Jane wasn't joking as much as she thought she was. Jane could have laughed at the memory. _Remember that time when Maura said I wasn't her type? _The words stung. It really _was _rude, though…

_Maura is dead._

All these things that Jane is remembering… maybe she was starting to be able to love the memory of Maura, instead of trying to create Maura in her mind. Was this a sign of her being able to move on, a sign of acceptance? Jane wanted to believe she was going to be okay. For once, things seemed to be really okay, and she felt like, at least for tonight, nothing worse could happen now.

There still was a nagging feeling though, that there was still something she was missing. She felt like the world wasn't done fucking with her yet, and there was more hell that life could put her through. What else did it want from her? Jane couldn't put her finger on it, but she knew something was still wrong. She felt small, like Maura's eyes were on her right now. She knew she wouldn't be able to move on this fast. Maura seemed to be surrounding her, but Jane knew she wasn't there. She tried to convince herself… she wasn't there. But she knew one thing for certain. She knew… she knew her mind wasn't ready to give up Maura Isles.

_But, _Jane kept trying to tell herself. _Maura is dead._

"G'night, Mia," Jane said, closing her eyes.

Mia hummed in response, nearly completely asleep. She turned over in her sleep and placed a comforting hand on Jane's waist.

_Maura is dead… right?_


	13. Chapter 13

**Surprise! I ended up being able to write this chapter with almost no problems. Thanks for all your thoughts from the last chapter. I guess some of you will be disappointed to know Mia's going to be back soon, but eh. I feel like there would be a lot of mixed feelings about it.**

**And I've also put off doing all the work I needed to do, so I'm going to be dead by the next chapter I publish (and you're probably going to have to wait a bit because all the crap in my schedule is going to hit the fan on Tuesday). But I'll get it out as soon as possible. Until then, here's the next installment. Hope you like it!**

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Jane's alarm went off abruptly at seven am, jarring the two women out of sleep. Their positions shifted in the sleep, Mia's arm curled protectively over Jane's waist, Jane's hand resting gently on top of the other woman's wrist. Jane felt Mia cringe with each beep of the alarm and she turned over, out from under Mia's arm, and shut it off. The silence filled the room and both women could tell the other was awake. They laid there for a few moments, each unsure of what their next move should be.

Jane knew she should get up and get ready for work, but she couldn't bring herself to move. There was a small part that did want to stay in bed, but the other large part of her brain told her Mia needed to leave. Not leave in a haste, but just, leave. Jane didn't necessarily want to stay in bed with Mia more than necessary either, but a very small part of her wanted to.

Jane scooted to the edge of the bed and swung her legs over, sighing as she sat up, her arms curled protectively over her chest, even though her back was to Mia.

"I'm… gonna go take a shower." Jane pushed herself off the bed and went into the bathroom without another word, quietly shutting the door and clicking the lock behind her.

Mia rolled over in bed and propped herself up on her elbow, her arm that was slung over Jane suddenly feeling very cold. She was slightly surprised by Jane's abrupt departure, but really, she shouldn't have even expected to stay the night. With a sigh, she pushed herself off the bed and began looking around the room for the remainder of her clothes.

Jane walked over to her dresser when she emerged fifteen minutes later from the bathroom. Her hair was dripping down her back but the towel wrapped around her absorbed most of it before the water droplets could hit the floor. She opened the dresser and pulled out a suit and shirt for the day, tossing them onto the bed as she looked for the matching pair of pants. She closed the doors and reached into a drawer next to the dresser for a pair of panties and a bra, not caring to make them match, not caring to pay more than a second of attention to the fact that she has the simplest undergarments possible. She looked to the clothes she had discarded by the end of the bed last night and sighed. She was too plain for her own good.

She slipped the underwear up her warm legs and clipped the clasp of her bra behind her back. She turned to the bed and held out the pants in front of her, feeling absolutely no motivation to bend don and pull them up also. She briefly considered not wearing pants today, but then realized people would _really _think she was crazy.

Not that they didn't before; after all, she was seeing Maura for the past six weeks.

_Maura…_

That person that was in her bed last night, the person she slept with, that was not Maura. No matter what kinds of tricks Jane's eyes were playing on her, she couldn't tell herself that was Maura. She knew it wasn't Maura. Maura was… is dead.

Maura is dead right?

Jane realized she was just standing in the middle of her room shirtless, pants half buckled. She fit the button through her pants and picked up her shirt, unfolding it and slipping her arms inside. She tucked in her shirt, her hand moving over the flat pane of her stomach. She realized she had lost some weight over the past couple of months, not that she had a lot of weight to lose.

She just hadn't been too concerned with taking care of herself.

She slid the jacket over her arms and pulled out a belt from another drawer. She slipped the leather through the loops in her pants and was pulling it tighter than the usual belt hole when she noticed the piece of paper laying on her pillow. She walked around the bed and picked it up, turning away from the light of the window.

_Jane,_

_ I thought it'd be wise if I got out of your hair. Call me if you'd like to get together sometime, for anything. _

_Mia_

Jane saw Mia's number at the bottom of the page. The handwriting was nice and neat, slightly curvy and long. It fit Mia, really. The handwriting seemed to reflect her personality.

Jane walked out of her bedroom with the note toward the kitchen. She set it down on the counter as she mentally prepared herself for the day. She braced her hands on the edge of the counter, her mind flashing back to kissing Mia roughly against it less than twelve hours ago. She smirked at the thought; she knew she liked to be dominant in bed but she really pushed herself last night.

She grabbed the keys and cell phone she left haphazardly on the counter last night and strode out the door, locking it behind her before checking for anything on her phone. She had seven missed calls from Angela, four from Frankie, and one from Frost and Korsak each. She had a few text messages from her mother as well, but Jane barely glanced through the previews of the messages before deciding they weren't worth the two minutes it would take to read them all. She shut her phone and put it into her jacket pocket before getting into her car and heading to the precinct.

Another day, another murder.

Or, that's what she tried to tell herself. And to Frost and Korsak. They wouldn't hear any of it, though. They treated her the same as every day, as if last night hadn't happened at all and they had no idea that anything was even _wrong _with Jane, but the refused to let her do anything today.

_Is this even allowed? Are my coworkers allowed to just put me on the bench like this? _

She decided she wouldn't protest, because lord knows they're going to bring Angela and Frankie into this somehow. It's been a miracle she was able to avoid them for this long, but she was still looking over her shoulder.

It was noon and Jane was more than sure she'd caught up on her share of paperwork, and probably completed more than necessary, but anything to keep herself from letting her mind wander. Because what if she thought of Maura? The last time she was in the precinct, she believed she could go down to the morgue to see Maura whenever she wanted. Now Maura's… not going to be there. Pike took her place. _Obviously. _Jane didn't know why she couldn't put it together before. Jane smacked her head on the desk with a solid _thump_. That should have been a huge clue. Maura would never settle for that sterile, un-homely, sparsely decorated space, no matter how efficient anyone claimed it to be. It was too grey and too cold to be Maura's doing.

Why didn't Jane see this sooner?

They also redid the morgue from before the shooting, lining everything up. No matter how much Maura might have secretly wanted, she wouldn't be able to change the colors of the morgue. Everything was cold, metal, and sterile, which is exactly how the morgue should be. Everything was precise and science and factual, exactly how Maura liked it.

Jane allowed herself a small smile.

"_The next reddish-brown stain, you call blood before the labs come in."_

"_You want me to lie?!" Maura looked distraught._

"_No, I want you to state the obvious."_

Jane didn't know why she always got so annoyed when Maura would call an obvious spot of blood a reddish-brown stain, but it always managed to lift the hairs on the back of her neck. Maura was so precise and careful with crime scenes that sometimes, that meticulousness could get in the way of getting through the scene faster. Jane rolled her forehead on the desk, her hair falling like a curtain around her face.

She was able to get Maura to perform something of an autopsy in a tent at the Massachusetts Marathon, though, which she considered an accomplishment in itself. Maura even used sarcasm that day. She was so happy and excited to be running that day, especially in those ridiculous running outfits for puke.

_Excuse me, P.U.K.E. Professionals for Underprivileged Kids of Excellence. _

Maura agreed that it was indeed an unfortunate acronym, but, c'mon, the people who came up with that must have been highly amused and overtly impressed with themselves. And a little drunk.

_Drunk…_

Jane allowed a small huff of a laugh to fall from her lungs as she thought of that lesbian bar, the Merch. Maura was serving her drinks in that tiny little dress, which could barely count as a dress. What was that thing Maura was trying to get Jane to wear the day before? _That _dress was a disaster, and flowery and strapless and literally something Jane wouldn't even wear as a shirt to cover her midriff. Maura had gone on a tangent about her admiration for human skill.

_I should have told her the exact same thing, how amazing I think she is; how beautiful, how precise. She could do amazing things and I don't think she even realized that about herself. She is just too good for her own good. _

_Was. _

Jane shook her head.

"_Maybe I should be a lesbian." Maybe I already am._

"_Aw, well wishes can come true." Maura said it as if talking to a baby, which she pretty much was since she was coddling Jo Friday. Jane couldn't help but wish Maura could have seen the look on her face, the face that probably obviously told Maura that her one wish was for Maura to be thinking the same thing. _

"_I wonder what kind of women we would like if we _liked _women." Maura said that casually, as if discussing what kind of color she thought suited Jane's skin tone. Jane didn't miss it either; "if" we liked women. Little she knows. _

_Jane brushed it off as nonchalantly as she could, joking that she would be the guy. And Maura argued back, of course, because she just couldn't leave it at that. _

Or maybe she was curious as to why I thought I would be the guy. And then she called me bossy.

"_Well it's a good thing you're not my type."_

_That cut Jane to the core. Cut her to the core and cut deep with a rusty knife. She wanted to hurl herself over Maura, grab her by the shoulders and demand to know exactly why she wasn't her type and how she could amend that. _

_But of course Jane couldn't dwell too much on that thought at the time and brushed it off with a joke. _

"_What do you mean I'm not your type? That is _so _rude!" _

_Maura just chuckled. _

Jane really wanted to know what Maura meant when she said Jane wasn't her type. What was it? How could Jane fix it? Jane was coming to the slow, painful realization that maybe, even if Maura was still alive, Maura would never be hers.

But there are times when Jane could swear Maura was purposely doing things to get Jane's attention.

Her mind went to her cleavage, the beautiful breasts she nearly face-planted into when Maura was leaning over her, offering to get her and her date another round. Jane was sure she spent about five seconds too long staring, but she couldn't tear her eyes away. As unamused she tried to keep her face, her brain was screaming at her. Get on that, Rizzoli!

She would have treated Maura with more respect than to just "get on that" though. She already knew by then that there was definitely something she loved about Maura, but to what extent did any of that love go?

Jane wished, no – wishes still – that she had simply told Maura how much she loved her, how much she _loves _her.

But Jane was no good for her. They ran in two completely different circles. If it weren't for Maura's affinity toward dead things, they never would have met.

_I would not be in this hell right now. _

Jane remembered a case they had not long before she went undercover as a lesbian.

_Undercover my ass._ Jane chuckled.

The Fairfield's just lost a brother and Maura seemed so at home in that cozy little miniature castle. That was the circle Maura belonged in, with the rich and high class, well-behaved, expensively-dressed, polished. Not slumming it with Jane and the rest of BPD. Maura told her that she wasn't slumming it, but Jane always had a small nagging feeling that there was a small, maybe very, very tiny, part of Maura that felt like she didn't belong.

_Jane had given her a chocolate bar with gold flecks in it, but she wasn't ready to apologize yet. She knew she should, she shouldn't disregard all Maura had done for them over the years. _

_So at the end of the case, she asked Maura if she wanted to get drinks. _

"_Will it have gold flecks in it?"_

"_Heh. No."_

_Jane wanted to hug Maura right then, realizing that their friendship meant as much to her as it did to Jane. But Jane, being Jane, always had a little self-doubt. She wanted to cherish every moment with Maura because, someday, she could return to a life of luxury. _

She _did _seamlessly transition into the fancy world of the Fairfields. That world of money, class, and education.

Even fifteen years before, they were in the same city but living completely different lives. Maura was going to BCU and Jane was at the police academy. Jane remembered telling Maura she had gotten into BCU.

_Maura looked up at her, her chopsticks posed mid-air. The look of shock on her face was a little hurtful, but there was also something else mixed in there. There was pleasant surprise and quite a bit of pride. Not pride for herself, but for Jane. She looked so proud that Jane had gotten into BCU that she seemed to almost go back to a time where maybe they would have been friends. _

Jane didn't want to imagine that; their whole lives would be different.

_Maura recovered quickly. _

"_Why didn't you go?" There was so much question in there, as if Maura was personally victimized by Jane not enrolling. _

"_I wanted to be a cop." That was the first answer Jane could think of, and not a very good one. It was true, she did want to be a cop. But maybe there could have been other options for her. Maybe she could be a doctor, like Maura, or a lawyer. _

Jane, don't go down that road.

"_What's the real reason?" Maura saw right through that. _

_Jane just shrugged again, quickly debating whether to reveal the truth; the truth that Jane believed separated her and Maura the most. _

"_My father would have spent everything to send me there. I couldn't do that to him." _

_Maura has all the money in the world and could have afforded several full educations from BCU, but Jane's family had to live on the barest of means for their entire lives. Jane wasn't complaining, though, she loved her life, but there was always that barrier. _

"_Did you ever tell him?" _

"_No, that would make him too sad."_

_Jane wanted to be honest, and the honestly sad, almost pitying, look in Maura's eyes made Jane want to take all her words back. But she couldn't, so she just smiled as if this were an easy topic for her to talk about. _

All those things she could have known, all the potential she doesn't know if she even has anymore, or even had in the first place, disappeared for her a long time ago. Meanwhile, Maura was tapping into every nook and cranny of that amazing brain of hers and doing amazing things. She even mentioned once she was with Doctors Without Borders. Jane had wanted to ask her about it and filed it away in her brain for later, but an opportunity never came up, between working and being distracted. Jane wished she remembered to ask her before because now, she'll never know.

_There's too many things I'll never know. _

That was the case with the teenage boy who's father's new wife killed in order to have a child of her own. Jane remained stoic for the whole arrest but couldn't help thinking what kind of person would do that to the man she loved, biological children or no?

And, that was also the case that in the middle of it, Angela had tried to set Jane up with Grant. Of all fucking people.

_Jane drove over to the morgue after those humiliating fifteen minutes with Grant. They'd tried as hard as they could to make small talk, but that's the thing: they _tried. _Jane's mind wandered to how conversation between two people who could potentially be romantic shouldn't be forced, and should be easy and flow effortlessly. _

_Like conversations with Maura. _

"_Do I look stupid?" Jane felt ridiculous in the dress, and to add to her self-consciousness, they were sipping wine in the morgue and Maura's hips looked deliciously smooth under that skirt. _

_Maura laughed. "Are you kidding? Really, you don't know? You're gorgeous, my friend."_

You're gorgeous my friend.

_Jane could analyze that later. _

"_Then why are you laughing?" _

_Maura just chuckled. _

Jane never really did find out why Maura was laughing. She could remember the butterflies that flew around her stomach as Maura leaned forward and said those words, _you're gorgeous, my friend._ Jane felt a flutter of hope, the same glint of hope she might have seen in Maura's, when she said the first two words. And then she seemed to add the last two words as a quick after thought. Jane promised herself that if she ever had the opportunity to tell Maura, blatantly, without judgment, how beautiful she was, she would take it, and _not _add "my friend" to the end.

Like the time when Jane taught Maura how to hold a gun. Hoyt was after her again, of course. Maura said she'd stay up all night and watch the door so Jane could get some sleep. Jane wasn't going to let Maura use her gun, of course, but the opportunity to teach Dr. Isles something she didn't know? Priceless.

_Maura picked up the gun and held it out. Jane had to resist moving behind her and wrapping her arms around the woman to show her how to hold it, but she settled on remaining behind her and trying to adjust her arms. She used her fingertips to adjust Maura's arms, wary of exactly how much distance she was trying to keep between them. _

_Maura looked so proud to hold it, and Jane had to admit, she did look good. _

"_You look good," Jane said. She meant that as a thought, but it slipped out. Maura just smiled at her, unaware of the compliment Jane desperately wanted to give back from nearly half a year earlier. She wanted Maura to feel the butterflies she felt, but Maura showed no signs of understanding the complexity of what Jane was wanting to say. _

Jane, just say it. Just say everything.

_Jane smiled and allowed Maura to keep the gun poised toward the door because, no matter how much time she wanted to spend out in her living room teaching Maura how to wield a gun, she needed sleep just a little bit more. _

"_Hey, Jane, Do I look badass?" _

_Jane chuckled. In all her time of knowing Maura, she didn't think she'd ever heard her say "badass."_

"_Yeah, you look badass."_

_Jane walked away to her room, the image of Maura's proud, determined face etched into her brain for safety. _

_Little did she know, Maura was trying hard to hide the giddiness and butterflies she felt as well. _

Jane felt a twinge of pain as she realized Maura was with her through the whole Hoyt thing. Every single time, she was there. The first time, the second time, the third time. The second time, Jane had gone over to Maura's house and Maura had been so gentle and kind enough to let Jane stay there.

_Things were simple then. _

Jane remembered something she was really only joking about then.

"_Are we having a sleepover or is this your way of telling me you're attracted to me?" _

_Maura couldn't lie, and all Maura did was just smile. She couldn't answer Jane, and Jane noticed. _

What was that Maura? Please answer me.

_An answer never came though, and they left it at that._

Maura was such a great person, and a great friend. There wasn't an evil bone in her body, despite what she thought about genetics. Screw who her sperm donor was, he doesn't count. There's nothing evil inside Maura.

Maura was so torn up about the entire case, but Jane admitted she would probably feel the same way. Maura just found out she had a half-brother from the same father, and that father turns out to be Paddy Doyle. Maura pretty much questioned her entire existence and Jane would have done anything in her power to keep Maura safe.

Including calling Paddy Doyle herself and telling him who the killer was.

Maura would have been disappointed in Jane, and she told her a blatant lie, that she wouldn't call him. But she did. She would take Maura being safe any day over the thought of working with Paddy Doyle.

_She was so scared. Maura had been taken directly out of her morgue. She could be anywhere, or maybe not anywhere at all; she could be dead. _

That's not the first time I was scared for Maura's death.

_Jane's phone rang and she snatched it up, saying the first thing that came to mind. _

"_Whatever you want, I can get it."_

_Jane was struck by the reality of her statement. Whoever took Maura, whatever they wanted, Jane would hand it over in a heartbeat. Anything. She couldn't think of a single thing she would hold back in order to have Maura safe again. Including herself. _

_The voice on the other end of the phone was Maura, though, and Jane couldn't help but want to fall to the floor and cry. Maura was alive, Maura was safe, and calling Jane for her to meet at Jane's apartment. _

_The whole ride over, Jane told herself: It's time, I need to tell her. She could have been dead tonight and I would never have told her. Man up, Rizzoli. Tell her you love her. _

_But when Jane went into her apartment with Maura, she poured her a bowl of cereal, held her hands, and decided that the only thing she needed to do right now was keep Maura safe. _

A month later, there was a shooting of a cop who was undercover, sent in secretly by Cavanaugh and the people higher up.

Jane sat straight up, trying to stifle the nausea rising in her throat. She tried to block it from her mind, tell herself not to go there.

_But, _Jane thought bitterly. _I know I remember this day. I can't go on with ignorance of this day any longer. _

Jane took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a moment, trying to put herself back in that day.

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**Let me know what you thought, taking a trip down memory lane like this. Hope I did it justice. Tell me your thoughts!**


	14. Chapter 14

**Surprise! I was able to finish the chapter all in one go. I ended up being able to do all the stuff I needed to be done (though I feel like all the preparation was unnecessary because I probably failed anyway) so I decided to drown myself in writing and happiness. **

**So, in case you forgot about last chapter, Jane is doing to memory searching. This time around, I basically cut out all the parts that didn't involve Jane. I wrote it so that you might get a rushed sense from it, or feel like it's fragmented. That's what it's supposed to be like. Hope you like this chapter! **

* * *

"You alright there, partner?"

Jane was shaken out of her mental preparedness by the sound of Frost's voice next to her. She opened her eyes and glanced up to meet his concerned eyes. For a moment, she had forgotten that he was one of the people who shook her out of her delusion. He was one of the people who, gently, shoved her into the deep end.

A brief flash of angry hurt appeared in Jane's eyes before she blinked and smiled as best she could.

"Yeah."

"Are you… sure?" Frost asked carefully. He knew Jane wouldn't fly off the handle here at work, but there was absolutely nothing stopping her from maybe standing up and punching him. Hard.

"Yeah, man. Just getting some work done."

"Okay… Well, Korsak and I got a lead…"

"Do you want me to come along to babysit?" Jane asked, raising her eyebrow. She didn't mean for it to sound as snarky as it did, but she couldn't hide the fact she was still a little pissed at Frost about last night… even though it wasn't _his _fault she was crazy.

"Nah, you can finish up your stuff here, whatever you're doing." Frost brushed off Jane's sarcasm like a fleck of dust on his shoulder. He wasn't un conditioned to it, but the fact that Jane would be sarcastic instead of blunt and angry, he was alright with it.

"Ok."

Frost stood there for a moment.

"Ok."

He debated whether or not to ask her if she was _really _alright. After all, she did leave in a hurry last night, and never answered her phone. Regardless of how much she thinks people don't care so much about her, everyone does. Everyone in the precinct went along with Jane's delusion of Maura because they didn't want to see her hurt. Or maybe they didn't want her to make their jobs harder, he didn't know, but still, it's something. And even though Jane likes to be the one to take care of all the problems; _if you want it done right, you have to do it yourself, _it didn't change the fact that there were a whole list of people who would jump off the deep end for Jane.

He made up his mind quickly.

"Are you alright from last night?"

Jane raised her eyebrows; she shouldn't have gotten her hopes up that he wouldn't ask. In some ways, last night's dinner seemed so far away, with everything that happened after. The only thing she could remember from dinner was everyone suddenly surrounding her, telling her Maura was dead. And then after that, her mind was surrounded by images of the club, of dancing, drinking, and Mia.

Jane shuddered involuntarily when an image of Maura's face flashed through her mind accompanied by the feeling of Mia being inside her.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Jane lied. "Go do your thing."

Frost looked like he was about to offer to stay back, let Jane get out there, but he knew better. Jane… needed time to regroup. He hated the fact she seemed so withdrawn today. She didn't even fight back when Frost and Korsak told her not to come along. They were prepared to threaten her with telling Cavanaugh everything, but it never got to that. Jane just backed down.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, really."_ Maura wouldn't appreciate this lying. _She waved her hand at him. "Go. Interview some leads. Catch a killer."

Frost eyed her warily before turning and leaving. Jane watched him until he was out of eyesight, sighing as she did so. She knew her distraction was gone and all that was left were her and her thoughts.

_I can do this. _

Jane thought back to that day, trying to place herself right at the beginning, the first time she saw Maura that day.

_They were about to go to the precinct gym and Maura came bounding up to her, hair in a perky, curly ponytail and her green shirt slouching off her shoulder. Her toned legs obvious from the leggings she wore. Jane wasn't so presentable, in a tank top and shorts, but according to Maura, when was she ever? _

_Jane couldn't help but smile at Maura's approaching form; she looked so happy and energetic, as she usually did. That smile Jane loved so much was right there and all Jane wanted to do was open her arms and greet Maura with a sweet kiss, but that couldn't happen. _

"_Hey Maura," Jane said, leading them over to the elipticals._

"_Hello," Maura said back, hopping on to the one next to Jane's. _

_They made small talk about their nights, the whole time, Jane was aware of the way Maura's ponytail bounced. _

Jane stood up suddenly and pushed her chair back with her knees, needing to move. She couldn't think of this right now.

She walked around the bullpen before she realized people were looking at her. She eyed them back and walked out, heading toward the bathrooms. She opened a stall and sat down on the floor of the largest stall. She pulled her knees up to her chest and put her head against them, breathing deep. The bathroom smelled flowery and clean, unlike the bullpen that smelled old and dusty.

No, she had to remember. She had to think of this. She had to… Maura deserved as much.

_Twenty minutes in to working out on the elliptical, Jane looked over to Maura, prepared to say something, but she noticed the look on Maura's face. She followed the gaze and saw Mr. Muscles and Bicep Curls. _

Oh what I wouldn't give to have Maura look at me like that.

_By this time, Jane was fully aware of her feelings for Maura. There was no denying them anymore. Jane felt a flash of jealousy pulse through her as she watched her continue to stare at him, openly admire him. _

"_Maura, you're staring at Chuck's biceps, c'mon!" Jane tried to sound as nonchalant and embarrassed for Maura as she could, but she felt like a hint of jealousy was able to creep out of her. _

"_Well I am! Females are wired to be attracted to the strongest most dominant males. It's natural selection at work." Jane was getting uncomfortable. Jane was also pretty sure she was stronger and quite a bit more dominant than most of the males in the department. _

"_You're making me uncomfortable, stop." Well, Jane was never one to be blunt. _

_Jane looked away as Maura got Chuck's attention. _Noooo, don't say anything further, Maura. Just look away, Jane, and pretend like you don't know her.

_Maura asked Jane if she was embarrassing her. _

"_Oh no, not at all, why don't you tell him he's got a nice ass too?" _

_And of course, Maura does. _

"_I am _never _working out with you again."_

_Little did Jane know._

_Maura got off the treadmill after that, leaving because she had to tend to Bass. She brought the turtle, excuse you, tortoise, to work. _

_Jane should have just told Maura to take Bass home and keep him there. Stay with him, since she couldn't get his usual caregiver. She should have told Maura to find a way to go home, leave for the day. Be safe today, please. _

_But the case they just picked up… everyone was on it. Maura would have come in anyway and found an emergency caregiver. Maura would have been here anyway. _

_The next time Jane saw Maura was in the Division One café. She was getting coffee for her and Bobby… that bastard. Maura was still distracted about Bass, and of course, Jane had called him a turtle. Again. Sometimes she does it just because she knows it irks Maura. Maura gets this little crinkle between her brows when she corrects Jane and Jane can always get a small smirk out of Maura right after. _

"_You know, when people lock their keys in their car, sprain their ankle, it usually indicates that something significant is bothering them."_

"_Yeah, a cop was murdered."_

"_But that's not why you're salting your coffee."_

_To add to the fact that a cop was murdered on a silent undercover investigation, her brother was also coming home from prison. And there was something else, something bothering Jane. She should have acted on it when she had the chance. She should have realized what was about to happen. She has an amazing gut instinct, despite what Maura tells her about listening to her intestines. She should have gotten her and Frankie out of there when she could. _

_So Jane decided to just tell Maura about Tommy coming home._

_Jane and Maura had to part ways, Jane going up to give Marino the coffee, and Maura going back down to her morgue. Back down to Bass. She should have just gone home. _

"_Jane. If you want to talk about your brother, or just avoid the subject, I'm here."_

"_I know."_

_Jane couldn't help but smile at that. This shitty day, and all Maura has to do is say something, anything, and Jane would smile. Maura could do that. Maura could make her happy. Jane shouldn't have gotten on that elevator. She should have gone down to the morgue with Maura, stayed there with her and chatted, logged in the cigarettes as soon as possible, like she said she needed to, and maybe things would be different. Maybe. _

_Because even though Jane doesn't know she knows, she does remember when Maura died._

_As the elevator doors closed, she could feel Maura's eyes on her, but she was too distracted by everything to return the look. She should have looked up, should have smiled. Should have run over to the elevator, taken Maura into her arms, and kissed her. Told her she loved her. _

_But instead, she went up to see Marino and give him his coffee and talk to a witness. _

_The witness started freaking out as soon as the power went out. Jane remembered it clearly; the room was suddenly glowing red and the air seemed to stand still. Her senses went into overdrive and her one instinct came into play: protect._

Get the witness out of here, protect the witness, get her to shut the hell up, keep her safe, damnit where's my gun? Get the witness out, protect her, protect her but shut her the hell up.

_Jane left the witness in the stairwell which, in retrospect, was so stupid. She left her alone, defenseless. She shouldn't have even left her gun in the office. Why did she do that? She shouldn't have done that. _

_Jane noticed the blood trail next to her desk and knew Bobby was in trouble. The lines on the phones were cut. She needed to find a way to keep herself and everyone safe. Thank god there was a radio left. She heard screams coming from the stairwell and then a shot. There's a man leaning over her witness and he was about to shoot her, but Marino got him first. Was he alright? Yes, just a leg wound. Witness was dead, had her gun. He's protecting himself. He doesn't know who these people are. Jane told that witness she could protect her. Jane couldn't get a name from the witness. No one knows what they're looking for. _

"_I've got to find Maura and get her out of here."_

_Jane's mind was suddenly filled to the brim with thoughts of Maura. Where was she? Was she alright? Is she safe? Where is she? She needs to get to her and keep her safe. She needs to go protect Maura. _

_But Frankie is hurt. Frankie is hurt and she needs to get to him. She can bring him to Maura because Maura can save him. She will get him help, she will protect him. _

_She and Bobby helped Frankie to the morgue. _

"_Maura?" Jane asked, unsettled. Maura didn't respond. "Maura!?" Jane's voice was more panicked now, waiting for an answer. Maura can't be – she's not inujured – she's safe – she can't be hurt-_

"_Jane!" Maura said, coming in the door behind them. "I was hiding."_

_Thank god. Jane was celebrating inside but the other half of her was still panicking over Frankie. She needed Maura to save him. She needed Maura. But no she can think about that later. She promises: if they all get out of this, Maura is going to know exactly how much Jane loves her. But not now, now is not the time to say anything. Maura just needs to save Frankie. _

_Maura is directing them, telling them what to do. She's getting Frankie to lie down, take his shirt off. She's asking Jane what's happening, but Jane doesn't know. She thinks they're trapped. They can't use the radio to call anyone and all the phones are jammed. Jane is trying to help Maura asses Frankie's wounds but she doesn't know what to do. Her mind is firing off a million miles a minute but she can't focus on anything other than the fact that they are in danger, Frankie could be dying, and he can't breathe. _

_Maura is doing something now, pressing against him. Maura's face looks worried, what's happening? She needs to reassure Frankie. She thinks Frankie's condition is worse than bad because of, what, massive internal bleeding? What can Maura do? Maura needs to do something to save him. She doesn't have any of those fancy machines Maura needs to do them. _

"_I was afraid of that."_

_Jane looked frantically through that big book of diseases and conditions and finds whatever it is that Maura was talking about. What is it? What is it? It results in death if not treated. Maura can't confirm it because Frankie doesn't have that time, she needs to act now. She needs Maura to do something right now or she swears to god she'll… doesn't know, she can't process her anger and panic right now. Maura needs to save Frankie right now and do something to help him because he can't die. He's her brother, he can't die. Maura please, get a needle, do it!_

"_Do it now!" Jane doesn't register she's screaming at her best friend. _

_Maura stabs him in the chest with the needle and he looks a bit better. She did it, and he looks better, and Jane is just trying to get him to hold on. Reassure him. He's going to be okay, everything will be fine. _

_Maura can't fix this new problem, his ribs are doing something to his lungs. They can't get him to a hospital, but Frankie looks better, he should be able to hold on now right? According to Maura he can't. Bobby says there's big guns in the building and there's no way to get out. Frankie, don't die, you don't need surgery right now. You don't need it right now, all you need to do is hold on. _

Maura, Maura, Maura, I love you, please, save Frankie, and I'll get us out of this. You are a miracle worker and I believe in you. You are my miracle and I love you please save him. I love him, he's my brother, and Frankie, you're gonna be alright. Maura's gonna save you, I'm gonna get us out of here, and then I'm gonna knuckle you for not being able to take a bullet and I'm gonna marry Maura.

_Frankie started coughing up blood and they turned him on his side. How do they stop this? What's going on? _

"_Maura, please don't him die, please."_

_Jane's yelling at her again but she can't help it. Don't let him die, Maura. Do another procedure, help him somehow, just think! Think of something you can do to save him right now!_

"_You're the only one who can save him."_

_Maura sets up for something with alcohol and tape and scalpels and Jane is telling him to just hold tight. She's telling him to hold on. It's going to be okay. She's cutting into him, inserting a tube. Maura's going to fix him. Frankie's face twists in pain and he screams and Jane can barely keep herself together. Someone, anyone, save them now. She can't do it alone, not right now. She can't protect them._

_Krosak is on the radio. He's here. What's the situation? There's people shot, two dead, two wounded, Frankie was shot, they're looking for something. Jane didn't log in the cigarettes yet but… there's something in the cigarette pack. She's reaching for it but she turns around when she hears an unfamiliar voice. _

"_Drop it."_

_Jane's mind freezes. Just like that, her thoughts stop racing and the only thing she can see is the man standing in front of her with a gun pointed straight at her, Frankie, and Maura. She does as he says and puts the radio down. He threatened Frankie's life and pressed the barrel right to his chest but she stopped him from pulling the trigger. _

"_STOP."_

_The cigarettes are right under his head, she just needs to get it. She needs to reach under his head and pull them out of her pocket and just hand it over to him. Then he would leave them alone. _

"_Give them to Bobby."_

_Jane's mind, for the second time, goes completely clear. Give them to Bobby. Bobby was in on this the whole time. Bobby was his partner. They turned against him. This is all Bobby's doing. She tosses the cigarettes to Bobby, disdain clearly in her eyes. She watches as he pulls out a single cigarette and holds it up. _

"_Danny's camera."_

_Jane should have put this together… but there were no clues that led her to believe this was even possible. There was so much hurt going on inside her head, hurt and confusion. How could he do this?_

"_Danny didn't know you were part of the drug ring. He must have suspected something. This is why he's wearing a wire and carrying a hidden camera."_

"_I wasn't planning on killing him… he showed up at the warehouse, I didn't have any other choice."_

"_You killed the other witness too?" _That witness I was supposed to protect. I let her down. I let Maura down now, and Frankie. Everyone. I let them all down. I couldn't stop this guy, and now, we're all going to pay for it.

"_You son of a bitch."_

_Gunshot. _

_Bobby came around the other autopsy table, saying he's a freaking hero. He's not a hero. Jane stretches out her arms and covers Frankie and Maura. Jane never wished more than to be as wide as a car than at this moment. That gun was still pointed toward them, and Jane knew Bobby could shoot. _

_Maura is huddled protectively over Frankie and Jane has a hand over Maura's back. Doing the best she can to keep them safe right now, right here. That's all that matters. _

_ "Now that I've got what I need, I'll just sit tight and wait to be rescued. That is, after I shoot the three of you."_

_ Jane's blood pounded in her ears. No. No. No. No. Every beat of her heart beat out the word "no." Bobby was not going to shoot anyone anymore, not on her watch, not right in front of her. Even if she died, he was not going to drag anyone else down with her._

_ "I wouldn't do that Bobby." Korsak's voice broke the silence, the stillness of the room. "Bobby. It's over."_

_ Jane had a moment's decision to make, how to disarm Bobby, but before she could act on anything, she was being grabbed around the neck. His arm was sweaty and thick, cutting off any movement her head could possibly make. She clawed at him hard but quit, knowing in situations like this, she needed to go with him. She didn't have a choice. If doing this would get him out of the same room as Frankie and Maura, that's all Jane needed. If she was going to die, if these were her last few minutes on Earth, at least she would go knowing Frankie and Maura were no longer in danger. _

_ It didn't even occur to her, in her last five minutes, to tell Maura how much she loved her. _

_ Before another thought could be thought, Maura moved toward Jane and Bobby. It was a kneejerk reaction. Jane was being forced away from her and she needed to go to her. She needed to save her too. Jane watched Maura flinch and she felt Bobby tense, the arm around her neck pulling tighter. Her eyes registered a moment of blinding terror as a gunshot rang out through the morgue. _

_ The sound was harsher than the first bullet that had been fired in the morgue. Jane heard nothing after that sound. She watched, nearly frozen in terror, as Maura's eyes went wide. She watched, her heart barely beating, her lungs barely taking in air, as Maura fell backwards. She blacked out for a moment before the red reflection of the light came back to Jane's vision. _

_She was being dragged backwards and she fought harder than ever. Her own voice was deaf to her ears as she was screaming. Save Maura, save Frankie. Save them and shoot him. Just shoot him! Shoot him! Shoot me! Kill him!_

_Jane felt the bullet tear through her and she was falling again, this time landing on the hard body of Bobby, his gun jabbing her in the side. The fall was slow, as if they were weightless and gravity was no longer a concern for either of them. The pain and the shock finally blacked out every single thought she had, except for one. _

_Maura._


	15. Chapter 15

**So apparently when I don't explicitly state "hey guys, review and tell me what you think," you guys are disinclined to actually do so. So, please._ Tell me what you think. _I really love reading the reviews and it gives me kind of a basis as to what I should do. It's like when you're rehearsing for a play and your director just doesn't give you any notes; you don't know what you did right or wrong and you just wish someone would stand up and criticize you. Seriously. **

**But, the end of this story is near, and there's probably going to be five, maybe six more chapters. I might start publishing quicker because I feel like _the time has come_. But anyway, I hope you liked last chapter (since I know none of your opinions) and I hope you like this one! Tell me what you think, please.**

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Jane threw her body toward the toilet, dry heaving until she couldn't feel her throat anymore, either that or it was bled raw. She leaned back after a minute, her head reeling. Her face felt numb and she didn't realize she was crying until the wiped away some sweat from the side of her neck. Her entire body felt shaky and weak and she felt tired beyond belief.

So that's how it happened. That's how everything went down that day.

_I might just be imagining this. Maura's told me that your brain fills in missing information for things when they don't all fit together. _

Jane had a feeling she wasn't wrong though. Maura was… shot. Maura… she can't be dead, right? She's not dead.

Jane shook her head and let out a loud sob that echoed through the bathroom and back to her. She let her head bang back toward the wall of the bathroom. She was being as quiet as she could but her chest was heaving up and down with each ragged breath. Her chest was constricting in her chest and she felt like she was numb, but every part of her was on fire.

_Maura's not dead. She can't be. _

As hard as Jane was trying to convince herself, a part of her felt like she knew. She just _knew. _She probably knew all along, but she was trying to convince herself otherwise.

"Maura's not dead," Jane whispered to herself. She tangled her hands in her hair and pulled, trying to rid herself of this pounding headache but trying to cause herself more pain. She deserved it, this pain. She deserved it. She wasn't able to protect Maura, and Maura died because of her.

_But Maura's not dead!_

Jane cried softly, the tears coming out of her eyes on their own accord, dripping down her cheeks and her chin, landing on her abdomen.

She could see Maura's face so clearly. There was fear and pain, there was love, and there was hope. She was reaching for Jane but she knew she couldn't get to her; Jane was already halfway out the door. She thought, maybe, if she reached far enough and wished hard enough, Jane wouldn't be held so close to that gun. She was hopeful that Jane could get out and fight back and they would all be safe. She was in love with the woman who was being dragged away, but now she couldn't say it. She was too petrified with fear and could only automatically reach out and step forward that one little bit.

That had obviously been a mistake.

She heard the bang of the gun and felt a sting and her eyes went wide, immediately searching out Jane's.

There was no love, no hope, no fear, no pain.

Only shock.

Maura died with her eyes wide open.

It was the last expression Maura would ever make.

_Maura, I love you. Come back._

It could have been minutes, or hours, until Jane pushed herself off the floor of the bathroom. She had to get out of there. She unlocked the stall and thanked the high heavens that no one walked in while she was crying. She leaned over the sink and splashed water in her face, washing away the salt from her tears and the streaks across her face.

Jane's eyes were red and puffy and there was no way she could hide the fact she'd been crying. Her face felt raw and everything in her felt light and weightless, yet so heavily weighed down. She tried to take a deep breath but she couldn't. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to function. It hurt her soul to know that she'd failed so badly and cost Maura her life.

She was the reason Maura is dead.

Jane braced her hands on the sink as another sob racked through her body, shaking her down to her core and crumbling her knees. She couldn't stand right now. She couldn't stand herself.

If she'd done more, if she'd told Maura to go home, if she's gone in front of Maura, if she'd told Maura to stay still, stay with Frankie, protect Frankie, Maura would still be alive.

It was all her fault she was dead.

Maura was moving toward her to save her, but it was futile. Jane was taken and Maura's instant reaction as to move toward Jane. If Jane hadn't been down there, she wouldn't have been held and dragged out and Maura wouldn't have had to move toward her.

_Maura, I'm so sorry. _

Jane desperately wanted to believe Maura wasn't dead. Three days ago, she believed Maura was alive. Maura was with her, Maura loved her, Maura was home and safe. Now, Maura wasn't anything, but Jane couldn't believe that. Maura has been dead for a while.

Jane splashed more water on her face before wiping it with a paper towel. She groaned in the mirror, trying her best to look alive… no, she shouldn't use that expression anymore.

She walked back to her desk at the bullpen, doing her best to ignore the curious looks pointed her way.

_So what? I cry. Get over it._

Jane couldn't think of anything snarkier to think, because really, her entire brain was numb. She already pushed herself to the limit trying to bring about suppressed memories, and now she's beating herself up mentally over the guilt she feels. She wanted to curl herself up and cry more, or think more, but the prospect of doing so was just too painful.

She collapsed onto her desk feeling heavy as hell.

"Jane?" Frost asked. He had come in who knows how many minutes later and found Jane just hunched over, looking like she completely gave up.

"Did you get the guy?" Jane's monotone voice, gruffer than usual, gave away the previous tears.

"Yeah, we got him. He's in holding right now."

Frost pulled over a chair and sat down next to Jane. He knew she wouldn't give up. He's seen the look of someone who's completely given up.

"What happened?" He didn't even have to ask if anything was wrong. He knew.

Jane was silent for a while, debating whether or not she wanted to say anything. She wanted to talk about her _feelings, _as cliché as that sounded. She wanted to get all this off her chest. She wanted to get rid of these angry feelings and absolve herself of her guilt. She wanted to get past this.

"Maura's dead."

Frost was silent for a moment.

"Yeah, partner. I know."

Jane was silent again. She breathed in deep, trying to find something to say from the mess of her mind.

"Maura's dead," she said again.

Frost nodded, allowing Jane to carry the conversation.

"And it's all my fault."

"Now, hold up there. It is _not _your fault."'

"How do you know?" Jane asked. She was still for a moment before banging her hands on the underside of her desk. "It _is _my fault. You can't really ask anyone who was down there what they think because one was dying from a gunshot wound on Maura's autopsy table and the other two are dead! They're both dead because of me!" Jane lifted her head up to look Frost in the eye. "If I had logged the evidence into the locker when I got back, they would have found it and left. If I had gotten Maura to go home that day and take care of that damn tortoise she wouldn't have been there at all. How am I supposed to live with that? How can I tell myself that it's _not _my fault, when all I can see is how much it _is _my fault." Jane sighed, a tear leaking out of her eye before she could stop it. She wiped at it furiously before boring her eyes into Frost's.

"Maura was reaching for me, Frost. She stepped forward, and I guess Marino flinched and thought she was going to try to stop him, so he shot." Jane released a choked sigh. "She's harmless, Frost. She wasn't even going to try to stop him, she knew better. She knew better but she came for me anyway. She should have just… stayed put. I would have come back to her…"

"That's just a testament to how much she loved you, Jane," Frost said as honestly as he could. "You meant the world to her."

Jane looked toward the sky and breathed deep, trying to gather her thoughts. She couldn't feel her back against the chair, her feet on the ground. She felt like the air around her was frozen but she was trying so hard to get out. She couldn't move though; the guilt was pinning her to the seat. She closed her eyes as silent tears slid out. She shook her head slowly, as minimally as she could. She had no energy to do anything more.

"She didn't love me, Frost."

Frost's heart broke at the sound of Jane's voice.

"Yes she did, Ja-"

"What happened after I shot myself?"

"… What?"

"What happened? How long was I in the hospital?" Jane couldn't remember anything. That, or she didn't have the energy to remember.

"You were asleep for five days. You left a week after that."

"So… fourteen days?"

"Yeah."

"What about… Frankie? What happened to him?"

"We got him to the hospital. They already had him when you shot yourself."

Jane nodded. She was staring at the ceiling. It was white, blank, speckled with small dots in the plaster. The place looked different now, after the shooting. Everything was different after the shooting.

"How long was he in there?"

"A week. He came by and visited you a lot, everyone did. Angela almost never left your side."

Jane smiled. She didn't deserve this kind of loyalty from her family.

"Did Maura come by?" Jane asked, quickly trailing off as she realized what she was asking. Of course Maura didn't come by.

Frost frowned sadly and shook his head, leaning forward on his knees. There was no verbal answer necessary for this.

"Korsak was going to get you a giant pink bear to piss you off when you woke up, but I told him he'd better not, or he'd be finding it up his ass when he least expected it."

Jane chuckled at that and Frost felt like something was accomplished.

"A lot of people in the department brought over flowers to you and Frankie, but a lot of them started wilting and dying before you woke up."

Jane nodded, a small smile on her lips.

"The balloons were still inflated though. You know the first thing you said when you woke up?"

_Frost and Korsak had come by after their shift at work ended, like they always did. They would all hang out in Jane's room, along with the permanent presence of Angela and Frankie, when he wasn't confined to his own bed. _

_ They were in the middle of talking about the best pizza toppings when Angela, who had been watching Jane intently during the conversation, noticed her eyelids beginning to flutter. She got everyone's attention and moved over to the bed, watching as her baby gained consciousness. Everyone stayed as far away but as near as possible, watching intently as Jane woke up. They didn't want to scare her with their crowd but they all wanted to see her wake up. This was Jane Rizzoli._

_ Jane's eyes opened and she squinted, taken by surprise by the bright lights of the hospital room. Her senses were suddenly bombarded with color from the multiple "get well soon" balloons floating everywhere. The flowers directly in front of her were light pink and looked like something that would go on a grandma's curtains. _

_ "Why does it look like a rainbow threw up in here?"_

_ The tension in the room dissolved because Jane was back. She was awake and snarky as ever, though the words were a little hard to understand since she slurred most of them together. They still got the gist of it and felt relief flood the room. They all laughed, relieved and nervous. The first thought on all their minds was: Jane was alive, awake, and okay. Everything will be fine. The second thought: How are we going to tell her that her best friend is dead?_

_ Jane looked around the room at all the smiling faces and saw Frankie. He was smiling just as brightly as everyone else._

_ "Frankie," Jane said, smiling. "You didn't go dying on me."_

_ "Yeah, sis. I didn't."_

_ Jane smiled and looked around. _

_ "Ma, Frost, Korsak."_

_ "Hi, baby," Angela cooed, tears in her eyes. _

_ "Aw, Ma, come on, don't cry, don't cry," Jane said, reaching out to her mother. Angela took Jane's hand and held it to her face as Jane's voice trailed off. She fell asleep again._

Jane smiled as Frost recounted what everyone said in that brief time of being awake. She breathed in deep, closing her eyes, blocking out everything for a moment. Can't she focus on that happy moment for a little bit, without the question of Maura coming to her mind?

She tilted her head and looked at Frost. Frost was smiling too, a little more genuinely than Jane. He had a soft face, kind eyes, and a good voice for story-telling. She guess she never noticed that before.

"What about Maura?"

Frost looked hesitant before ansering.

"What about her?"

"Just… everything. What happened?"

Frost knew the details, or the ones Frankie told him. He didn't know if Jane could hear it yet. Hell, it was hard for him to hear it.

"You know she was…"

"Shot, yes, I know Frost."

"And then you shot yourself outside."

"Yeah. Tell me what happened in between." Jane's eyes pleaded with Frost. _Please tell me, but be gentle._

Frost took a deep breath before he sighed. He felt like he was prepared to step into a bull fighting arena.

"I don't know all the details, Jane, just what Frankie's told me-"

"Tell me what you do know."

Frost looked into Jane's eyes, trying to make sure if she really did want to hear what he was going to say. He breathed out before nodding.

"I went right to you after you shot yourself. You were screaming at us to get Maura and Frankie. Korsak went in, along with Cavanaugh, and I stayed with you for about ten seconds before the medics took you away." Frost looked at Jane to see if she wanted to continue. She nodded slowly.

"And they wheeled Frankie out in a stretcher soon after. He had people working on him, but he was conscious the entire time. He was in some pretty serious pain, but he was conscious, breathing. Alive."

Jane nodded.

"And I didn't see the doc come out, so I went in." Frost felt the same eerie feeling creep back into him as he felt when he entered the morgue. "The room was dead silent and frozen. Everyone was standing around at a distance. Cavanaugh even stood back, you know. He looked shocked. Well, everyone did. Korsak was the closest, standing a couple feet away, looking down at her. I went up to him and saw why he was so… far away. There was a lot of blood, Jane…"

Jane drew in a sharp breath and closed her eyes. She didn't want to believe Frost's words. She couldn't picture it in her mind, her sweet Maura surrounded by blood. She wanted to tell him to stop, everything was a lie. If she went down there right now, Maura would be there. She couldn't convince herself though; she knew this was the damned truth. "Go on."

"She was… lying in a pool of it…"

Frost didn't know how to continue.

_He could remember the moment he saw their beloved doctor. He approached Korsak and looked down at the woman's innocent face. It was frozen, much like the other people in the room, except her eyes were wide open. Wide open and empty. _

_ They all could feel it. There was a dead energy in the room, like there was so much going on the room just minutes before, but suddenly, it all went away. Some was still buzzing around, hoping to find a home, but there was not a place for it, so it fizzed out. _

_ Maura was staring up at the ceiling with unseeing eyes, her usually perfect hair splayed out in a messy arrangement. Her chest was still, not rising or falling. She looked paler than usual. Her red dress soaked up the blood around the gunshot wound and it looked like an ink spill. _

_ Korsak and Frost both kneeled down to look closer. Korsak took her pulse with two of his fingers for the second time, but still found none. _

_ Dr. Maura Isles is dead._

_ Frost couldn't help the horror that rose inside him. He felt nauseous, but he needed to take it. Take it for the doc. Take it to make up for all those times he vomited at the sight of a dead body. Take it so he can finally have his morgue legs. He couldn't look away._

_ Korsak shook his head at himself, at everything. The lives of the innocent should not be taken with the lives of the evil. _

_ Korsak stood up, but Frost stayed down, looking at Miss Isles' face. She looked alert, not dead. Pale, not dead. _

_ "Frost, we need to let them handle the scene now."_

_ Frost almost stood up, but he shook off Korsak's hand on his shoulder. _

_ "Can we at least close her eyes?"_

_ He didn't wait for an answer before he reached forward and gently swiped his fingers over her eyelids, closing them for good. _

_ "Rest in peace."_

"Cause of death?" Jane interrupted Frost's thoughts.

"Gunshot wound to chest."

"How long did it take for her… to die?"

"Not long. They said it could have been instant."

"So… she didn't suffer?"

"… I wouldn't be able to say."

Jane nodded and sighed, accepting that as an answer. Frost watched tears fall out of the corner of her eyes and fall down past her ear into her wild mane of hair.

"I'm gonna call it in for the day. Tell Cavanaugh I got sick or something and it's contagious. I just… can't be here right now." Jane sat up and ran a hand through her hair, not bothering to wipe the tear tracks on her cheeks.

"Where are you going?"

"Home."

"Do you want a ride?"

"No, you stay here. Catch the bad guys." Jane stood up and pat Frost on the back, trying hard for a smile. "Thank you." It didn't reach her eyes. "See you tomorrow."

Jane turned and walked out of the bullpen, her usual swagger long gone.

_Frost was in the hospital room with Frankie, asking him what happened. He was high up on painkillers, joyously singing Jane's praises, telling him how he wouldn't be alive if Jane hadn't found him. He was also praying for Maura too, unaware that she was already dead. He knew she was shot, though, but she had been the one to save his life. Maura and Jane, they saved him. Frost asked him what happened after Jane was taken. _

_ "Well," he began happily, his brain unable to weigh the gravity of the situation. "Maura fell back. And the smoke bomb exploded, right? Yeah, so it went off and we heard footsteps and Maura was saying, "It's alright Frankie, hold on, they're almost here." And I'm like, "You too, Maura," but I'm not really sure if I actually said anything. I could barely breathe, you know. But, I did hear Maura say Jane's name a lot. Like, she was calling out for her."_

_ "What did she say?"_

_ Frankie thought for a moment before smiling lopsidedly. "I hope they finally… finally just tell each other what they want, you know?"_

_ "What?" _

_ "I just hope they can be happy after this. They deserve it, you know? And each other…"_

_ "Frankie, what did she say?"_

_ "Maura's voice was pretty weak, you know, but she was saying, over and over, "Jane, I love you. Be safe, be strong. I love you.""_


	16. Chapter 16

**So, I'm really glad that I finally got some opinions out of you guys. Apparently this story is a little confusing for some, and those who think it is, are really going to hate this chapter. Don't worry, this chapter was meant to be a little confusing and frustrating, but you'll see why. I really enjoyed all your thoughts last time, and even though we're drawing near the end, I'd still love to know what you all are thinking.**

**Enjoy! (And tell me what you think afterwards!) **

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Jane told Frost she was going home when in reality she was going back to Maura's house. She needed to see the place now that Maura is dead.

She pulled up in front of the empty house, noticing all the cars gone from the driveway, including Maura's little blue prius. Apparently Angela lives here, or at least that's what she'd told her last week.

She mentally prepared herself for going inside. Rationally, she knew that everything would be the same as it was last night. Most of the layout was the same and the only thing the house was missing was Maura. Irrationally, she couldn't get herself to step out of her car. She shut off the engine and sat in there for a few minutes, staring at the steering wheel, trying to decide whether or not she actually wanted to go inside. Everything was different now, even if it looked the same. Everything was different because… Maura was dead.

Jane stared blankly around the inside of her car. She looked forward at the garage door, wondering if she wished hard enough, Maura would suddenly appear to open the garage door for her and welcome her inside. If she wished hard enough, Maura would welcome Jane inside her home, take her jacket like she always would and hang it on the coat rack, rub Jane's shoulder while they were sitting on the couch, drinking beer and wine. They would eat dinner and Jane would listen to Maura talk about a medical journal she read, or something interesting she learned that day. They would go to bed and lay together, curled up in each other's arms, Jane spooning Maura from behind. Jane would run her hands through Maura's hair and breathe in the gentle and sweet scent of the woman she loves and fall asleep feeling as warm and as safe as if every criminal in the world was securely behind bars.

But that won't happen, ever.

Maura is gone.

Jane had to keep telling herself that.

Jane stuck her keys in her pocket and pushed open the door. She pulled herself out and stood up slowly, almost like she was moving underwater. She barely heard the car door slam shut as she walked forward. She seemed to be outside of herself, watching as she moved slowly toward the door and unlocked it.

The next thing she knew, she was standing in the middle of Maura's bedroom, staring at the wall. The room looked exactly the same, as if Maura had been in there that morning preparing for work. The bed was made, sheets were neatly tucked, pillows were set up and fluffed looking to grace the cover of Better Homes and Garderns. Jane had a nagging guilty feeling that everyone had been watching out for her. No one other than Angela would come in here every time Jane was over and make the bed again and again, just for someone to come in and mess it up and talk with their dead best friend. She sat down on the edge, feeling it dip under her weight. She pat the bed next to her, gliding her hands over the silky smooth sheets. Everything in the room seemed so _Maura_. It seemed like the kind of stuff she would love to have in her bedroom, and this is the way it was before… before she died.

Jane walked over to the big walk in closet that she never had to open before, since Maura kept all her things in there. She had cleared out her drawers for Jane and allowed her to keep about half her closet in there. Jane was extremely surprised that Maura's entire wardrobe could fit in the walk in closet, but she should have guessed that Maura had the passage to Narnia back there.

As soon as she opened the door, she was engulfed in the smell of Maura. Jane walked through the door in a trance, her head swimming. She closed her eyes and could almost feel Maura with her. She breathed in deep. It reminded her of the last time she hugged Maura. It was the night after Paddy Doyle had kidnapped her. Jane wanted to stay near Maura, make sure she knew how much she whole heartedly believed Maura was not like that sperm donor of a man. She loved Maura then and would do anything to help her believe how much she was loved, and how good of a person she was. So when they hugged that night, Jane took a deep breath, breathing in Maura Isles for all she was worth.

Jane had almost forgotten what Maura smelled like. It was subtle, but warm. It smelled like walking in the spring, after a light rain, coming into a home full of scented vanilla candles and a bouquet waiting on your pillow.

She walked over to the rack on the far end of the wall where some of Maura's dresses hung. Jane ran her hands lightly over the expensive material, wishing she could have felt the way the material felt over Maura's body, wishing she paid more attention when she could.

She pulled out a black dress Maura had worn to the first crime scene the first time Hoyt came back. It fit over Maura's body like a good friend and Jane could remember the way her arms flexed beneath the jacket she wore over it. She wished she remembered more, but it was so long ago. She should have paid more attention, savored Maura being around.

She felt the satiny-smooth material but she didn't know what it was. Maura would be able to tell her, though. Maura knew everything. Sometimes she wondered how much information she actually had stored in that big brain of hers? It's all that information that Jane might never hear about now over a casual drink, or while cooking dinner. It's all that information that's just… gone now.

Jane breathed deep and it was almost like she was hugging Maura again. She felt surrounded by her scent, and when she looked around, she saw familiar colors of the clothing she'd worn over the years.

The dark red dress Maura was wearing the first time they met caught her eye. She remembered that day, how rude she thought Maura was. She was about ready to drop the sting and bust Stanley up but Maura's interference probably saved hiss life. Jane just wanted a donut and coffee, she'd been out all night and she was starving. Maura _actually _thought Jane was a hooker named Tiffany and Jane had thought Maura was a straight up know-it-all bitch.

It wasn't until several months later when Jane was transferred into homicide that she saw Maura again, dressed to the nines at their most recent crime scene. She remembered the shock she felt and the embarrassment over meeting their medical examiner while barely dressed in hooker gear.

Of course, however much shock was revealed on her face, Maura's must have held ten times more. Her jaw dropped as she saw Jane approach and her eyes went wide. Jane merely hid her shock behind a smirk.

_"What've we got?" Jane asked, crouching down next to the body to get a closer look. _

_ Maura took a moment to recover from her initial shock. _

_ "White male, several apparent gunshot wounds to the chest."_

_ "That the cause of death?" _

_ "I'd have to complete my autopsy before I make a definite conclusion," Maura said smoothly. She'd said it hundreds of times to other detectives, and a hooker-turned-detective was no different. _

_ "Really?" Jane stood up and quirked her eyebrow. She looked at Maura as if she had three heads and turned to her partner, Vince Korsak. "Does she always do that?"_

_ "Sadly, yes."Korsak said, shrugging. He stood with his arms crossed, letting Jane handle the crime scene. He'd heard great things about Jane and he was willing to let her take the reins on this scene. _

_ "I don't think we've been formally introduced. I'm Dr. Isles." Maura stuck out her hand and smiled. _

_ "Detective Rizzoli." Jane looked down at Maura's gloved hand and hesitated before reaching and shaking it up and down. _

_ "… Tiffany Rizzoli?"_

_ Korsak nearly choked on his spit._

_ "No, my name's actually Jane. I was undercover that time in the café."_

_ "What time in the café?" Korsak asked, slightly intrigued._

_ "I'll explain later," Jane said, waving off his question. She put her hands on her hips and looked Maura up and down. "How long have you been M.E.?" _

_ "A few months. The day I saw you was my third, actually. Are you new to the unit?"_

_ "Yep. First day on homicide. Looks like we'll be seeing each other a lot." Jane hadn't meant that sentence to sound so flirty, but at Maura's smile, she couldn't help but feel her confidence being boosted just a little bit. _

_ "Detective Rizzoli! Detective Korsak!" A CSU tech shouted at them from the other room._

_ Jane and Korsak turned their heads toward the voice and then looked back at each other. Jane looked one last time to Maura and smiled. _

_ "See you around, Dr. Isles."_

_ "Call me Maura."_

After that, their meetings had been pleasant and friendly between coworkers. They never really tried to develop a friendship, but somehow, it just happened. One day, they were simply talking about the results of the toxicology reports, and the next thing they knew, they were going out for drinks after work and late dinners. They found their personalities to mend quite well together, despite the obvious dissimilarities. They were able to bounce off each other and play naturally, and it was almost as if their first impressions of each other wasn't "that bitch."

Sometime during Jane's memory, she had picked up that red dress and held it in her hands, against her heart. She could almost feel Maura's heartbeat in there. Her clothes were one of her favorite things in the world. She loved the creative ability of humans and she made sure Jane understood that. Jane loved that about her, her passion.

And secretly, unknown to Jane, one of Maura's favorite things in the world, was Jane.

Jane felt the tear roll down her cheek and she tossed the dress to the opposite side of the room before the droplet could land on it.

Jane went to pick up the fallen dress and straighten it, knowing Maura hated it when her clothes were wrinkled.

Suddenly Jane stood up straight and looked around. It was almost as if she just noticed all the boxes on one side of the closet. Most of Maura's things were packed up except for a rack of dresses. She wondered why they were left out.

Jane hung the dress back up and exited the closet slowly, somberly. She took one last deep breath of Maura's scent before closing the door behind her. Oh, how she missed that comfort.

"Jane."

Jane stood frozen in her spot for a moment. She closed her eyes and swallowed, trying to wet her suddenly dry throat. She turned around slowly, preparing herself.

"Maura."

Maura was standing five feet in front of her, dressed as impeccably as ever, hair falling perfectly over her shoulders, a small, sad smile on her lips.

"I feel like I haven't seen you in days," Maura said, looking as if she wanted to move forward into Jane's arms.

"I feel like I haven't seen you in… six months."

They both physically reacted to that, Jane feeling a stab inside her chest, and Maura looking as if she was going to fall over. Jane hadn't been expecting herself to say that, but it was said. It was said to a dead person.

"Jane…"

"Don't." Jane said, holding up her hands and backing up as much as she could until her back hit the wall. "You… you're not real. You died, Maur. You're dead."

"No I'm not, I'm right here," Maura said calmly.

"No you're not."

The room was silent save for Jane's labored breathing as she was trying to understand what was happening. Maura could tell her what this was, these dreams, or were they nightmares? These illusions, or fantasies, or whatever they were, could be explained. She missed Maura too much.

"You slept with someone else," Maura said simply.

Jane was silent, her eyes wide and defensive.

"Do you love her?"

"What? Maura, no, that's crazy!"

"Was she good?"' Maura was angry. "Was she better than me?"

"No!"

"You're lying."

"I'm not!" _We never happened. There was nothing to compare her to._

"You are. Jane, I thought you loved me."

"I _do _love you!" Jane shouted.

"Then what were you doing with _her_?"

"Nothing! It was just sex."

"So you just wanted to leave it at that? You would get your fuck and then you would continue on as if nothing happened? Jane, what about me? I thought I meant something! I thought _we _meant something!"

"There is _no "we" _to even mean something! You're dead! I can't fuck a dead girl!"

"So it was just _fucking _right? You just fucked _her _then, is that right? I'm not around, so you can do what you want!"

"I don't owe you anything, Maura. I don't owe. You. _Anything._"

"I thought you loved me."

Jane was taken aback. Her chest was rising and falling rapidly with her heart and she could practically feel the wheels turning all at once in her head.

"First of all, you're not real! You can't tell me what to do! You can't tell me who to sleep with because _I _can do whatever I want! You're just in my head and you're not real!" She pointed an accusatory finger.

"What are you talking about?!" Maura's voice was rising.

"You're dead! You're dead, Maura! You _died_ on me, so now I can do whatever the hell I want!"

"I'm not dead, Jane! How could I be here if I were?!"

Jane felt angry tears gather in her eyes.

"You're not here!"

Jane breathed hard and pushed herself off the wall, storming up right in front of Maura.

"You are dead. I believed you were here but now I know otherwise because this _whole _six months has been a crazy fucked up sequence. Everything I've told you, everything we did, was all in my head! You're not real!" To prove her point, Jane grabbed Maura's shoulder and shook. Her hands came into contact with her arms though and Maura's hair jostled forward and back, a surprised look on her face.

They were completely still for a moment before Maura tipped her head up and leaned forward, pressing a soft kiss to Jane's lips. Jane almost welcomed it before she pulled away and cried out, feeling as if a part of her was being ripped out. She pushed Maura away, scared to feel her under her palms.

"Let me prove to you how real I am," Maura said, moving closer to Jane again.

Jane was obsessed with Maura; that had to be it. She was fantasizing about her. She loved her so much she became obsessed, and now, after death, she's seeing Maura in the ways she wished she could have.

"No," Jane said, backing up. Dear lord, how she wanted to take Maura in her arms.

"Jane, I love you."

"I love you too, Maura," Jane whispered, all her resolve seeming to fade. "I love you so much, but I can't. You're not… you're dead.

"Jane! Believe me! I'm alive." Maura reached forward to grip Jane's hand. Jane could feel it, she felt a tingle rush through her hand, her arm, straight to her heart. She didn't know if it was from Maura's touch, or Jane's resistance to wanting to be touched.

"No…"

"I'm right here, Jane!"

Jane shut her eyes and tilted her face up. She couldn't let Maura see her right now.

"You're not!" Jane shouted hoarsely. "You're dead!"

"I'm alive Jane!"

"Just leave! Get out of my head!"

"I'm not going to leave you! I won't ever leave you!"

"You're going to leave me again! If I believe you're here, I'm going to be happy for maybe a few minutes but you're going to leave again and my world is going to collapse!" Jane opened her mouth to sob but all that came out were more shouts. "I loved you so much and I never told you! I loved you and you came back to me and I thought everything was going to be good again! But then all that happened is that you left again! I was left alone! I'm alone now, Maura, and I can't ever be whole again! Not without you! Because you went and _died _on me! You died and I _hate _you for it! I _hate _you!" Jane wanted to slam herself between two walls and disappear, because she felt like her world was squeezing the life out of her. She opened her eyes open and looked straight at Maura. She grabbed her shoulders and shook her, hard. "You're not here, Maura! You died and I can't get over that, and you keep coming back!"

The initial shock on Maura's face was quickly replaced by something sweeter, something softer. Something alive.

"I'm not dead," Maura said, all the anger gone from her voice.

Jane was torn between what she wanted to believe and what she knew… thought… what could be true. Maura couldn't be dead, or she wouldn't be standing in front of her. But Maura was dead, because her memories weren't a lie. Her friends wouldn't lie. Frost, Korsak, Angela, Frankie, they all wouldn't lie.

But right now, standing in front of her, was Maura.

"I have to get out of here."

Jane turned around and ran out the door, out to her car. She drove away as fast as she could, making it safely back to her apartment. Her head was still buzzing though. She was so confused.

That's all she felt right now. She was confused. She tried to sort everything out in her head but she couldn't. Everything mixed together. Maura was dead, then Maura was right here. Maura is supposed to be gone, but she always finds a way back into Jane's life. Was Maura dead? Was everything she'd just felt, all those words she'd just said, lost on deaf ears?

She ran up to her apartment and shut the door quietly, afraid the loud noises would jolt her out of this quiet reverie she seemed to be in. She again felt like she was floating out of herself, watching everything from a front seat view. She stood in the middle of the room, hands at her side, feet shoulder-width apart. She stared blankly at the opposite wall, wondering if it would change by sheer will. What did she want to change? She didn't even know.

She heard her door open and then shut and turned around, faced with Maura again. Maura smiled sadly and Jane couldn't return even a facial twitch.

"Jane, please don't shut me out."

"Maura, please don't exist!" Jane sounded a lot angrier than she actually was, and a lot harsher than she intended to.

Maura barely reacted.

"I'm sorry." Maura's voice was quiet.

Jane looked at her, really looked at her. This was Maura from the best of when Jane knew her. Not a hair out of place, there was a gentle curve from her waist do her hips, her eyes soft and bright. This was _her _Maura, her favorite Maura. This was the only one she wanted, not a… not an illusion of her.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Maura. It's not your fault you're dead."

Maura barely flinched.

"I just… I can't deal with this. I can't deal with you anymore."

"I… understand."

"I want to move past you. I want to love you, but I can't. You're killing me, Maura. Literally. Every time I think of you, I feel a part of me dies, and I don't know how many parts of me there are left." Jane sighed and rubbed her face with her hands. "I'm so lonely without you. For the past six months, I thought you were here, but you weren't and I think a part of me knew that. The loneliness, the guilt, the _pain _I felt to just exist couldn't be erased, even when I thought you were with me. I felt so alone, Maura. You have no idea how much I need you."

Maura nodded and Jane looked at the floor, the ceiling, anywhere but Maura's eyes. She missed those eyes so much.

"I was so lonely. So afraid. I felt like… I still feel like, I'm falling apart. Maura, please understand." Jane wanted to take Maura's hands in her own, but she was rooted to the spot. "I am so lonely without you. I had no idea how much I needed you. You were everything to me, Maura, and I hate you for leaving me with everything I wanted for us. And I hate myself even more for never telling you. I hate myself for loving you so much and letting you go on every day without knowing exactly how much you were loved. I hate myself for not protecting you that day, and I hate myself for everything I'm putting myself through right now."

"Don't hate yourself, Jane," Maura said. Her voice was like a soft caress on Jane's cheek, and she could almost feel it, as if Maura was standing right in front of her.

"I don't hate you. I could never hate you."

"I know. But you shouldn't hate yourself for anything."

"I can't help it. I'm so sorry I never told you how much I love you."

Jane wanted to move forward and hold Maura, but there was a distance that she needed to maintain in order to remain at least partially sane.

"I love you all along too, Jane." Maura's voice was quiet.

Jane looked back at Maura with sad eyes. "I think I knew that, maybe."

"Did you?"

Jane stared hard at Maura for a moment before softening her eyes again and shaking her head. "I love you so much."

"I love you too, Jane. So much. You had to know that."

"I didn't want to assume…" Jane said, a hint of a smile on her face.

Maura chuckled.

Jane moved her eyes down to the floor. "I _do _owe you things, Maura. I owe you everything. You changed me for the better. You were… everything to me, and I owe you everything for that. I wanted to give you everything because you'd given me everything, without even knowing it." Jane sighed. "I just…" Jane shook her head.

"You need to be done with me now."

Jane met Maura's eyes. She felt the sting of tears and felt her jaw quiver.

"I need to be done with you now."

Maura walked forward slowly, keeping eye contact with Jane. She raised her hand slowly and cupped Jane's cheek. She leaned into her hand, savoring the feeling of the feather-light touch. Her thumb brushed over Jane's cheekbone and she tilted her head, trying to let Jane see her eyes from every last angle. They stood still in that moment for as long as they could, taking in each other, Jane wanting so bad for this to not be a dream, for everything else to be a dream. But this was painful reality.

Maura closed her golden-green eyes and moved forward, kissing Jane's lips. Jane's eyes slipped closed, pushing the tears out of the corners of her eyes.

Jane didn't know how long she was standing there, but the next time she opened her eyes, she was alone.


	17. Chapter 17

**I hope this clears some stuff up. If there's any more confusion left, any more questions as to what the hell is going on, just let me know and I'll try to explain. And remember, there's still a few more chapters left, and I know I'll be able to explain some stuff in there, if you guys tell me what you'd like to hear about. And also, if there's anything else you can think of, just send those thoughts my way. Thanks for all your reviews, though! Keep 'em coming.**

* * *

"Ma?"

Jane opened the door to her apartment. Her mother was the last person she expected to see on the other side of the door, but she couldn't say she wasn't a little relieved. Relieved? Yes, relieved… that her mother didn't hate her for… everything.

"Jane," Angela said, quickly swallowing her daughter into her arms. She held tight, rubbing small circles on Jane's back. She could tell that Jane was tired, she could tell that Jane was probably in no mood to see anyone… Jane just looked tired.

Angela held her and rocked back and forth, welcoming every moment Jane didn't pull away. Jane was never much of a hugger and expected to be pushed away a long time prior to this moment. But Jane held on, wrapping her arms snugly over her Ma, enjoying the feeling of finally feeling like she was someplace safe, for the first time in a long time. Jane rested her cheek on her mother's shoulder, turning her face away. She couldn't let Angela feel the lone tear that managed to sneak out of her eye.

After a minute of hugging in the open doorway, Jane pulled back, quickly swiping the tears away from her eye.

"What are you doing here?" Jane asked. Her voice was non-accusatory, quiet, and yes, definitely tired.

"Is it a crime to want to check up on my daughter?" Angela asked, laughing back tears of her own. She loved her daughter so much, but Jane right now… is not her daughter. What happened to the fire? Where is the passion and energy? Angela always joked that Jane should be more feminine, maybe a little less dominant, but honestly, she didn't want Jane to change a thing. She did want grandkids someday, but she was perfectly content with Jane being happy with whatever she wanted. That's all she wants; for her daughter to be happy. "Frankie told me you left early."

Jane should have been pissed. Even after last night, they were still talking about her when she wasn't around. Frost and Frankie and Korsak and Angela were sending secret messages to each other pertaining to her whereabouts, and they have the gall to do that now that they've finally dropped the bomb. She should be angry that they're still trying to interfere with her life, with what she does. But she's just too tired.

Jane was silent as she nodded and walked back over to the couch, where she had been sitting for at least an hour before her ma knocked on the door. Angela took a seat next to Jane, leaving enough space between them for Jane to shift however she wanted, and Jane was silently thankful. She wasn't in the right spirits to say anything more than necessary.

"I went back to my-Maura's house. I would have sworn you'd be there, since you always went there when something was… wrong." Angela spoke softly. How does she tell Jane that she loves her? How does she tell her daughter that no matter what happened, she is not judging her, not defining her? "When you weren't there, I was really surprised."

Jane nodded silently. All of her felt numb, and most of her felt lonely. She felt alone and tired, and she knew it was all the emotions of the past two days. Everything she'd put herself through is finally taking a toll on her, and right now, all she wanted to do was lie down and sleep. But if she did that, she might dream. In her dreams, she could be happy and smiling, and Maura would be with her. They'd both be happy. And then she'd wake up and realize that it was definitely all a dream. She doesn't trust her dreams, not now.

"How is the house yours?" Jane asked quietly. It was something she'd been wondering.

"When Maura found out about the problems your father and I were having, she offered me the guest house. I didn't find out until later that she ended up leaving the house to me… in her will."

"How did she have time to do that?"

"Some time during all of the chaos?" Angela suggested. "She knew I was losing the house, and Maura was too good of a person to let me go down." Jane nodded. Angela spoke slowly because she could sense Jane not ready to take in so much information at once. She let Jane set the pace. Maura would have been proud of her.

"All her stuff is still there," Jane said.

"I didn't have the heart to move it, Jane. I was packing things up when one day you came home and you were yourself again. I couldn't take that away from you." Jane cringed inside. _She knew from the start. _

"So, everything in Maura's house, is yours?"

"No, baby. Her parents came for her funeral and stayed in the house for a while, packing a lot of the stuff that had value to them. Art and stuff. Some of the furniture, some books. They were going to auction a lot of it, give the money to the charities Maura was a benefactor of." Angela could see another question forming in Jane's head and took the best guess as to what was left in Maura's house or Maura's room. "They left her dresses because I asked them to. They said it would be fine, but they did want to take some of the dresses, for the same reason they took the other things."

Jane nodded; she understood. A lot of Maura's wardrobe consisted of expensive designer items that would definitely benefit those organizations that Maura mentioned sometimes… Jane wished she paid more attention. She wondered which of the dresses she would recognize somewhere else, on someone else. Which of the dresses did Maura's parents take that also took along memories shared by Maura and Jane?

"How long was it until I started seeing Maura?"

"Well, you were out of work for three months, healing. You wouldn't let any of us see you, speak to you. No one could reach out to you, but we all gave you space. We knew you needed it. And then after that… about two weeks after you started work, you just changed. You were kinda happy again. I think that's when it started." Angela paused, thinking. "We didn't know for sure what changed, but after that, we all slowly realized that in your mind, Maura was back, or that, she was here, and she never left."

"And you just… let it happen?"

"Yes." _We all did. _"It didn't affect you at all, except it made you happier. None of us had the heart to take that away."

Jane nodded. There's still so much time she's lost. What did she do during the three months of torturing herself?

Her mother seemed to read her mind.

"We don't know what you were doing before you came back to work. Like I said, you never let anyone see you. Maybe once a week, you'd talk with me on the phone or through your door. I missed you."

"I'm sorry, Ma."

"Don't be. I think I understand." Angela said.

Jane sighed and closed her eyes. She was so tired. She was so tired but she needed to know more.

"What happened in the hospital?"

Angela took a moment to understand, and then another minute to figure out how to phrase her answer.

"You were asleep for a while. Frankie was in and out of surgery in a few hours." _I stayed by your side every moment you were asleep, and as soon as Frankie could get out of bed, he came straight to you as well. We all did. _"When you woke up, you were scared, and in pain. You seemed like yourself though, but I could see your eyes." _It was almost like you knew what happened, before anyone told you. You fell asleep though, thank God, before you could ask. _

"Did I know Maura… died?"

"No, not at first. You remembered everything clearly once the pain medication dosages were lowered." Angela sighed.

_She could hear Jane screaming from down the hall. She ran quickly down to Jane's room. Frost was trying hard to hold her down, and failing, as an adrenaline-driven and distraught Jane fought hard, ripping IV's out of her arm and wincing as she moved her stomach with every move. _

"_Where the hell is she?" Jane demanded. _

_Angela caught Frost's eyes and he barely shook his head, telling her all she needed to know. Jane doesn't yet know Maura's not dead. _

"_Frost let me go _now _or so help me God I will kill you!" Jane shouted. She attracted the attention of passing nurses and doctors now. They probably thought a psyche patient was having a breakdown because all they could see past Angela and the curtain was a flurry of dark hair and hear the shouting. _

_Jane was shoving Frost back as hard as she could, but her in her weak, hospital-ridden, recently shot-through self was not a match for him. He held her down, trying to get her to stop squirming to keep her bandages intact. _

"_We need a doctor in here!" Frost shouted. Can doctors actually sedate patients like they do in TV shows? "Jane, calm down!" _

"_No, Frost, YOU calm down!" Jane knew it made no sense but she didn't really care. "Where the hell is Maura? You let me go to her right now or-"_

"_Or you'll what, Jane? Keep yourself in the hospital even longer?" Frost fought back. Jane faltered but continued to fight. A nurse rushed in and pushed something into her IV, and the effect was almost immediate, but it felt like it took days to calm her down. Her face changed from something wild to something relaxed and her body went from predatory to calm. They laid her back down on to the bed but she wasn't ready to give in yet. _

"_Where's Maura?" Jane asked. Her voice cracked. She sounded desperate, scared. She looked toward her mother and Angela felt her breath catch. Jane was so worried. _

"_She's… dead, my sweet child."_

_Jane might not have heard the last part because she was nearly completely out of it by then. _

"I don't remember… any of that."

"I know, sweetie. I know."

Jane was silent for a moment.

"Did I ever see Maura's body?" Her voice choked up on the last word, as if it took a physical effort to get it out.

"You refused. You were angry, hurt, confused. You'd barely been awake a day before you started asking about her. Even when you were nearly out of it, you'd ask about her, wonder if you could go see her. We wanted you to see her too, if that was what you really wanted. But we didn't know how you would handle…"

"Handle seeing her dead?"

Angela nodded. "She looked like she was sleeping. Taking a nap. Just… a little pale."

Jane breathed deep and let a silent tear roll out of her eyes. She could picture it; she'd dreamt about that before, but now… now it is reality.

"I don't remember her funeral."

"You didn't go."

Just like that, Jane's upper body collapsed. She sank down to learn her body over her thighs and she wrapped her hands sturdily around her ankles. She couldn't breathe. The last change she had to see Maura, the last respect she could pay to the person Maura was, the person the world lost, the person Jane loved, the person Jane lost… She didn't take it.

Jane let out a sob but tears couldn't spill out of her eyes. She felt like she was about to burst with them. They swelled inside her head and she knew that if she cried, she wouldn't be able to stop it.

"I think she would have understood, Jane," Angela said, resisting the urge to pull her daughter into a hug. Instead, she settled for settling a comforting hand on her back.

"But I don't understand. I should have gone."

"We all understood, Jane."

"But that doesn't matter! I got her killed, Ma. I got her killed!" Jane cried out, louder than intended. "It's my fault she's dead!"

"No, it's not your fau-"

"She was stepping toward me!" Jane shouted. "He had is arms around me and she barely even took a step forward _towards me _and he shot her!" Jane shook her head, wanting to hit her head against her knees. "I… it's almost like I killed her."

"Jane!" Angela cried out in shock. She couldn't speak for a moment. "Don't you dare say that. Don't you _dare. Think _that. Ever again!" Angela shouted, her voice adamant. "It is _not _your fault she is dead. It is that man's. _You _didn't kill her. You kept her, and Frankie, alive as best as you could. You protected them both."

"But I couldn't save them both." Jane wanted to scream. Her voice was like venom. "Maura died."

"But you did the best you could. Some things are out of our control, Janie." Angela tried to calm herself, and Jane, down. She didn't want to shout at her daughter, but what she said was outrageous. "You couldn't have kept him from pulling the trigger. You couldn't have kept him from grabbing you. Maura is a free woman, Jane, and she reached for you from her own ignition." Angela didn't know what to say to convince her daughter. She wasn't a very good speaker; it was hard for her to articulate her thoughts. But for Jane, she'd try. She'd try damn hard.

Even though she knew Jane was still blaming herself, Jane nodded and Angela let that subject be.

"Why didn't you force me to go to her funeral?"

"We knew it would be painful for you." Angela said softly. "Her parents arranged everything. They waited for you to wake up, because we all asked them to." She sighed. "You refused." She saw Jane cringe. "You were scared, hurt, confused." Jane was annoyed by how many times she'd used those words to describe herself, and how many times Angela seemed to be using them. "We understood, they understood, but they couldn't wait much longer."

"I wish I was there." Jane said, mostly to herself.

"I wish I hadn't gotten her killed. I mean," she corrected herself, knowing Angela wouldn't approve. "I wish things could have been different. I should have just logged in the damn evidence when I had the chance, and this whole thing could have been avoided."

"No one knows why they did what they did, Jane. And the ones that do, they're taken care of." Meaning they were dead.

"I just… I can't stand this. I just want this all to be a dream. I keep wishing that… I keep wishing things would be different."

"I think she would have forgiven you." Angela said. "After everything that happened, everything that has happened since. The relationship you two had… I know she would have done it all again. She wouldn't even think twice."

"I wouldn't want her to."

"She knows you wouldn't. We all know. But that's what you do when you love someone."

"She… no." Jane shook her head. She couldn't say it, because then it would make it real. _She didn't love me. I killed her. _

"She really loved you."

Jane cried and let her tears drip onto her pants.

"And that's what you do for the ones you love. You would give your life for them."

"But she didn't have to. I didn't ask her to."

"No one asks to be saved, Jane. But she wanted to save you anyway. I know you might think it was a useless sacrifice, but to her, it would have been worth it." _That bullet for her, is one less bullet for you. _

Jane held her head in her hands and shook her head. Maura pretty much killed herself for Jane, and was that the way everyone saw it? Well, that explains all the guilt Jane's been feeling for the past six months.

"She loves you, Jane. Even if you didn't know it. Even if you can't feel it right now, the one thing she would want you to know is how much she loves you."

"I love her too, Ma."

"I know, sweetie."

"I loved her and I never told her."

"She knew, Jane. She knew."

"Maura's dead." It was almost a question, but Jane could barely say it that way. It was more like a statement. This was the last confirmation she needed.

"Yes, she is."


	18. Chapter 18

**Hi, I needed to upload this chapter again because there was a huge giant EXPONENTIAL mistake I hadn't realized I made but now I fixed it, so here's the new version. of the very same chapter that was uploaded on Tuesday. There's going to be a new update tomorrow or the next day, so prepare yourself for that. And also, as a quick reminder, please please _please _tell me your thoughts and feelings on the chapter. I feel like I'm leading myself blind here, and I have no idea if there's even any more interest in this story. ****Rage at me for all I care. L**et me know all your thoughts! 

Angela left after another hour, willing to just sit with Jane and let her cry, sigh, and clench her fists in anger and resignation. Jane bid her mother goodbye with a kiss and hug, feeling the day take a toll on her. It was only five in the afternoon. Angela offered to stay and make dinner, invited Jane over to Maura's house again for another dinner, but Jane didn't think she could handle it. Not again. She didn't want to go back to Maura's anymore.

She was really going to need to stop calling it "Maura's house."

Jane wasn't in the mood to do anything. Her entire body felt weary and she knew she should eat something to at least _try _to get back some energy. She couldn't make herself move from the doorway though. As soon as she closed the door behind her mother, she leaned against the frame, sighing heavily. It soon became too tiresome to stay like that so she sank to the floor, letter her knuckles hit the wood and not bothering to fold them across her lap.

She didn't want to sleep; sleep would be too easy, but it would be too difficult to obtain. She didn't deserve the escape brought on by sleep. She didn't want to eat, because that would give her energy to put into more self-loathing. She didn't deserve to hate herself, not because she shouldn't, but because that's too easy. She felt like she cried all the liquid out of her body and all that was left was thick blood, but her parched throat was not enough to get her to move. She turned her head toward the kitchen, realizing it was only a few steps away.

She was only a few steps away from Maura.

She didn't deserve anything but loneliness right now. She brought this onto herself. She let Maura die. She let herself be taken. Now she's going to let herself fall. Someone will save her eventually, right? Because in the end, someone is always there. But in Maura's end, even Jane wasn't there for her.

She felt like she wanted to vomit again.

Jane closed her eyes and let her head fall back. She felt like she was floating on air, too disconnected from herself to stay on the ground. She breathed in and out, trying to remind herself of all the times she felt like this, and what she did to overcome it.

She couldn't remember any.

Maura would tell her to do yoga, or eat better, to meditate, or, like, sex or something. Maura wouldn't approve of anything Jane had on her mind right now. Drinking until oblivion, eating herself senseless with endless junk food, or drinking some more.

Jane sighed. It was time to move past Maura. It was time to move on.

But she couldn't drag her mind away from the woman. Her best friend. The thing she missed and regretted the most was not that lost love, but the lost companionship. They complimented each other better than peanut butter and jelly. They could bounce off each other and get along. They could sit in silence and do nothing or they could talk about everything. Before Maura could have ever been a lover, she was a best friend. She was Jane's best friend, and now that's all… gone. Everything they _were_ is gone.

Jane's phone went off from the couch. She dragged herself up the wall and walked toward the couch. She bent down to pick it up and saw Frost's name on the caller ID.

"Frost?"

"Jane."

"Hey, Frost. What's going on?" Jane asked. Sighed, more like it. She turned around and sat on the couch.

"I'm just checking up on you, is all. How is everything?"

Jane sighed internally. She didn't need people checking up on her, she really didn't want it. And she didn't deserve it.

"I'm fine, I guess. As best as I could be."

"That's good, I think. I'm sorry I had to break it all to you this morning."

"It's okay, Frost. Really. It was a long time coming anyway." Jane rubbed her face with her hands. "I mean, I should have heard it all sooner."

Even though Jane wasn't near Frost, she could practically see him nodding on the other end, something he tended to do when he didn't really know what to say.

"I left something out this morning," Frost said after a few seconds. "When I was telling you about when Maura…" He trailed off, not knowing if his choice of words was going to be a sensitive spot for Jane.

"When Maura died, Frost, I know. What was it?"

"Well… I went in a talked with Frankie before you woke up, like just to see how he was, give him some company away from your mom, you know how she can get."

Jane's lips twitched up into a sad smile. "Yeah, I know."

"Well… you know he was in the morgue with Maura, after you were… taken?"

"Yeah, I know."

"After she was… shot… he heard her say stuff…" Frost paused. "You know, he was pretty hopped up on painkillers afterwards, and he probably wasn't even thinking straight when he was down there, so I'm not really…"

Jane sighed. "Frost, do you know what she said?"

Frost shouldn't have called. He was having second thoughts all over the place. Is this really something he should be telling Jane? It would… it would… he didn't even know how this would affect Jane.

"Yeah…"

Jane paused, waiting for him to continue. "… so what did she say?"

Frost paused. "She was… talking to you. Or, I guess, talking to you as if you could hear her."

Jane waited again, but couldn't keep herself from rolling her eyes. This would be so much easier if Frost didn't have to be prompted with each sentence. "And, do you know what she said?"

"Yes…"

"What did she say?" Jane was just a tiny bit frustrated now, but a little too tired to yell at Frost about it.

"She said she… she said she loved you." Frost paused, waiting to hear Jane's reaction. Nothing came. "She said she loved you, and for you to be strong… and safe."

Jane had her eyes closed, trying hard to keep her tears at bay. When she spoke, she was not able to keep the crack out of her voice. "That's… nice."

"I… I just thought that you should know she loved you. We all knew how much she meant to you, and I'm sure she did also…"

"She didn't love me like that, Frost," Jane said sadly. _She didn't love me like I loved her. _

"She did, Jane!" Frost said more defensively than he should.

"It's really nice of you that you think that, Frost. It's really…" she searched for the right word. "Hopeful. But that's just not the way things were."

"But-"

"And there's no point in drowning myself in what if's, okay? If she _did _love me… if she did, there's nothing I can do about it now. She's gone, Frost." _And I'm alone. _

"I wish, more than anything, that you guys would have come clean about how you felt towards each other," Frost said after a pause.

"There's nothing to come clean about, Frost! I know she loved me, and she knows I love her." Frost didn't miss the tenses. "And… there's no point in thinking about love now, okay? But thanks for telling me, still."'

Frost nodded his head sadly over the phone, looking for a way to help Jane feel… happy. Or to even just lift her spirits a little bit.

He couldn't come up with anything.

"You're welcome," Frost said quietly. "Are you coming in tomorrow?"

Jane was thankful for the shift in the subject.

"Um… maybe, I think. I don't know. If I don't, I'll just take a sick day or something."

"Okay… I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah."

"Bye, Jane. Take care of yourself."

"You sound like my mother."

Frost huffed a small laugh. "Good."

"Bye, Frost."

"Bye."

They hung up the phone. Jane's mood was lifted just the slightest, and Frost would have been glad to know that. She stood up from the couch and walked over to her kitchen, needing to get herself a glass of water. He throat felt dry as a desert and she could hardly swallow without feeling knives.

She filled up the glass in the sink and leaned against it, holding the cool liquid at the tip of the glass so it brushed her lips. She couldn't bring herself to tip the glass back and drink, but she wanted to. She wanted to but there seemed to be something inside her stopping her from doing so. She was fighting internally with herself, leaning against the counter and breathing, glass poised, ready to be drank from.

She heard herself think _just do it _and tilted the glass back, allowing the cool water to wash around her mouth. She drank it slowly, feeling it run through her body like immersing herself in a stream. It felt fresh, something she hadn't felt in a while. With this, there wasn't anything to worry about. She could just sit and _do_.

Her eyes fell onto the piece of paper laying casually on the kitchen counter. She didn't know what it was doing there, but then she remembered. She shouldn't have let it slip her mind so easily, but it did… sleeping with someone, calling her Maura, _believing _she was Maura… She remembered that Mia left a note for her while she was in the shower getting ready for work. That was only this morning.

It's only been ten hours since this morning.

It's only been twenty-three hours since she found out Maura was dead.

It's been six months since Maura died.

She set the empty glass down in the sink and walked over to the note, looking directly down to it.

She didn't know what possessed her in that moment, but the next thing she knew, she had her phone pressed to her ear and a friendly voice telling her "hello."

"Hello?" Came the voice again. It shocked Jane out of her brooding.

"Hi, uh, Mia?" Jane asked, suddenly unsure and very self-conscious and feeling especially ridiculous for even calling, since she didn't even know what to say-

"Yes, this is her. Who is this?" Mia's voice rang through the phone. Jane, with whatever energy was left in her body, wanted to hurl her phone at the floor for how similar Mia and Maura sounded over the phone.

Jane should just hang up.

"Hi, Mia? This is Jane…" She probably doesn't even remember my name.

"Oh Jane! Hi! I'm actually just, uh, leaving the office right now, can I call you back when I get to my car?" Mia asked. Jane heard a flutter of papers in the background and some laughing, muffled completely by a loud thud.

"Yeah, uh, sure. Just give me a call at this number."

"Alright, I'll talk to you in a moment."

There was silence from the other end of the phone and then there was nothing.

A minute and a half later, Jane's phone was ringing again. Jane didn't hesitate to pick it up, although once she answered, she should have just let it go. Let Mia go, because she didn't deserve a friend like Mia.

Was Mia even a friend?

"Hey," Jane said as casually as she could.

"Hey," Mia replied. She sounded like she had a smile on her face.

"How are… you?" Jane asked. She didn't really know what to say.

"Pretty good, just driving home from work." Mia said. Jane could imagine her driving with both hands on the wheel, her head tilted to the side, pressing the phone between her ear and shoulder. Maura wouldn't have approved of the way she drove; she was a firm believer in not using electronics while driving, not listening to loud music, and probably some more stuff Jane never really got the chance to discover.

She shouldn't be thinking about Maura.

"Jane, you there?"

Jane shook her head; she missed Mia asking her several times how she was.

"Yeah, I'm here. I'm good, how are you?"

Mia chuckled.

"I'm good," Mia repeated. "Just driving home from work. Any particular reason you called?"

Jane shrugged, even though she knew Mia couldn't see her. "Just to… say hi."

Mia nodded on her side of the phone. "Ah. Hi." She smiled. "Is that it?" Did Jane hear a little disappointment in her voice?

"Yeah…" Jane said, worrying the edge of her shirt. "Um, actually, I was wondering if you wanted to… come over. For dinner, I mean. Not, uh… yeah." Jane had no idea what possessed her to ask. It just came out.

"Hey, I know you're in a difficult place, and I don't want you to feel obliged to-"

"I wouldn't have called you if the only thing that told me to was obligation," Jane said in a burst of confidence. The unsureness quickly returned. "So, um… dinner?"

"Uh, sure?" Mia said. It seemed like half a statement, half a question like: are you sure?

"Yeah, great. Er, do you remember where my apartment is?" Jane thought she sounded a bit too eager for Mia to come over. Mia's probably going to change her mind, no one wants to hang out with a creep…

"Yes, I do. I'll be there in an hour?"

"Yeah, sounds good. How's pizza?"

"Pizza's good. Cheese, please?" Mia suggested.

"Are you a vegetarian?"

"No, but I don't necessarily enjoy swallowing a half a gallon of grease for dinner." Jane could hear the laugh in her voice.

"You sound just like-" _Maura. _"A friend of mine."

"Well your friend sounds like a smart cookie," Mia joked.

_Yes, she was._

"I'll see you in an hour." Mia said.

"See you."

They hung up.

Jane leaned against the counter and breathed out. She had no idea why she wanted to invite Mia over for dinner. Wasn't last night supposed to be the last time she saw her? She's revealed too much about herself, though… Mia shouldn't want to come back. Why did she even call? She should have just hung up.

Jane groaned and rubbed her eye with the heel of her hand. She should have hung up and not invited Mia over, and not gotten Mia involved in her life at all. She should have backed out last night, or asked her to leave when she had an open opportunity to… She shouldn't have practically spilled her life story and then snuggled to sleep with the woman. Jane's not like that. Jane's tough, and should not be… like this. She should be able to deal with things on her own.

She ordered a pizza with half chicken, half cheese. Regardless of what Mia said, Jane liked meat. The pizza came almost exactly five minutes before Mia knocked on Jane's door.

"I saw the pizza guy leaving while I was parking," Mia said, standing in the door with a smile on her face and a case of beer under her arm.

"Oh good, the beer's here. Now I'm just waiting to see if Mia shows up…" Jane said, making a show of looking over Mia's shoulders and up and down the hallway.

"Hey now," Mia said, pushing the beer into Jane's hands. Jane stepped out of the way and closed the door softly behind Mia. Mia smelled nice, she noticed.

Jane turned around and Mia was standing in the middle of her living room, looking back at her.

"Hi." Jane said. She quirked a smile.

"Hey," Mia said. She tucked her hands into her back pockets.

"You wear jeans to work?"

"I went home and changed. I felt like my work attire would have been a little weird for here." Jane raised her eyebrow. "Well, inappropriate for the occasion."

"Unless you work at a strip club, I doubt if it would have been inappropriate," Jane chuckled, walking over the counter and gesturing for Mia to sit down in the seat she sat in last night. "And even with _that, _it's not like I haven't already seen it." Jane heard how it sounded right after she said it and looked up directly at Mia full of shock for herself. But Mia was smiling, keeping the mood light; she knew it was a joke. They sat down on the stools and Jane opened the pizza box in front of them.

"Well, you look beautiful," Mia said. _Just like I remember. _

Jane blushed. "Thanks." She looked down. "Oh, um, sorry, I guess it's been a while since I've had pizza with someone…" _because the last person I had pizza with was just… in my head. _"Let me get some plates real quick."

"Oh, no it's fine," Mia said, reaching out to stop Jane. "We can use the perfectly good box." Mia waved her hand down over the pizza box.

That's the way Jane usually ate pizza, when Maura wasn't nagging at her to use a plate.

Jane opened it and revealed half chicken and half cheese. The cheese was closest to her and she saw Mia stare down at the side with the chicken on it.

"Sorry, the chicken's my part," Jane said, moving to turn the box around.

"You know, when people saw they're going to order pizza, the most common choices are cheese or pepperoni. _I _assumed you would fit the generality and order a pepperoni pizza if I were to not say anything."

"Well you shouldn't assume," Jane said, spinning the box. "You know what they say about people who assume."

"That it makes an ass out of you and me – you know what, I've heard that so many times in my life I think if I hear that one more time I'm going to bite someone's head off." Mia, said, using her hands to gesture.

Jane chuckled as she picked up a piece of the chicken pizza. She took a large bite and made a show of closing her eyes and licking her lips and trying to look like she was in absolute heaven.

"Mmm, this is _so _good," Jane moaned, cracking her eyes open to look at Mia. Mia had taken a bit of a slice of her cheese side and was rolling her eyes at Jane.

"I've seen that look before," Mia said. The implication of that statement wasn't lost on Jane; she almost choked on the bite, but swallowed quickly enough that it wouldn't go down the wrong way.

"Guess I had that coming."

Mia just smiled and took a bite of her pizza. Jane couldn't help notice that Mia kept eyeing the pizza on Jane's side of the box. That was something Maura did sometimes also; she would go the healthy route, but end up eating at least half of Jane's "unhealthy" stuff.

God, she really needed to stop thinking about Maura.

"If you want some, you can have some," Jane said with her mouth full of pizza, gesturing to the side with the chicken.

Mia raised her eyebrow at Jane as if Jane was going to take it back and say she was just joking, but nothing came. She reached for a slice and picked it up slowly, keeping eye contact with Jane and waiting for the moment Jane would snatch it back. The moment was rather comical and Jane tried to not laugh as Mia slowly placed the tip in her mouth. When she took a bite and her eyes rolled to the back of her head, Jane chuckled.

"Good, right?"

"Yeah! It's so good!" Mia said, taking another, bigger, bite.

Jane smiled and looked down at her pizza. Mia reminded her so much of Maura she wanted to laugh and hug her and tell her about her day. She wanted to be completely normal as if nothing ever changed, but of course, that was ridiculous, because Mia was… Mia. And not Maura. She wanted to cry because of how much Mia reminded her of Maura, and bang her fists against the wall because Maura didn't exist anymore. She hated how much Mia reminded her of the woman she lost.

Jane shifted in her seat.

"Can I tell you something?"

Mia looked up at Jane hard, but softly, gently. She waited for Jane to take that statement back.

"Yes."

"The friend that died recently…" Jane trailed off. Why was she telling her this? Back up, Jane. Back up now. "I loved her."

Mia nodded, giving Jane the chance to continue if she wanted to.

"I see her all the time. Like, _see _her. I had conversations with her for the past six months after she died. And I…" Jane shook her head. She wasn't ready to divulge that. That was too personal, and really, really creepy. "I just loved her so much, and I thought, like these six months, that she was still here, and I kept loving her more and more." _I didn't realize I loved her so much. _"And when I finally told her how I felt, she told me she loved me too… But that was, you know, after she was already dead. I told her I loved her, and she was dead, and she told me she loved me too, and she was still… dead." Jane sighed. She's suddenly lost her appetite. "I know I'm crazy. I know there's something seriously wrong with me. I just… I needed to tell someone, and I just felt like," Jane paused. "I don't know, I felt like I could trust you."

Mia nodded. "I think I know why." Jane looked up. "You'll have to forgive me for this. No, wait, you don't have to forgive me for anything, really. But today, after I went to work, I googled you. Yes," Mia held up her hands at Jane's widened eyes. "That was really creepy of me, I'll admit it. Creepy, and a little stalker-ish. I'm not a stalker, I promise, though. But I had heard about the shooting a few months ago, and I think that's where I remember you from. I remember seeing you in the paper and thinking that you were so brave. And your friend… Was your friend named Maura Isles?" Jane nodded. She hadn't read any of the paper articles about the shooting, and she was pretty sure her family kept them all away from her while she was seeing Maura. "I can see how she would come to mean so much to you, working so closely with her and being around her so much-"

"It's not just that," Jane quickly said, but she couldn't articulate how much more it was.

"I know, I know. But last night, when you spoke of your friend, I could tell that person meant a great deal to you. I can't speak for her, but I have a feeling you meant a great deal to her as well." Mia paused. "And I couldn't help but notice the similarities between her and me." Mia bit her lip nervously. "But, I guess it was… expected, in a way. Rebounding, coming back from a loss, projecting it using someone else, it is all rather expected." _Though not necessarily the best way to deal with grief._

"Yeah, I guess," Jane said, listening to what Mia was saying. "I, uh… don't diagnose me, okay? Maura used to do that sometimes. It annoyed the hell out of me," Jane chuckled, "but… I love her anyway."

"I know," Mia said, a little sadly. She had come to the realization that afternoon that nothing could happen between her and Jane. She really liked the detective, never mind the fact they met at a bar and were simple one-night-stands for each other. She felt a connection… but that was probably because Jane felt a connection, and that connection probably came from the similar qualities Mia and Maura both possessed.

"I really like you, Mia, and it's not just because you kinda remind me of Maura. We get along really well, and that's hard for me to find in anyone. And I trust you, which, again, is really hard for me to find." Jane said, realizing that she could be hurting Mia by agreeing about how similar they are. "I… I really like you. You're a great person, and had the circumstances been different…"

"Yeah, yeah, I know," Mia said, laughing through the disappointment and waving off Jane's statement. "So, what are you going to do now?"

Jane knew she was talking about Maura.

"You don't have to answer, though. How was your day?"

Jane's eyes shifted as she remembered how much of her day had consisted of crying and shouting at Maura.

"I… it was a rough day," Jane said, rubbing the back of her neck nervously and wrinkling her eyebrows.

"Oh…" Mia's mouth quirked to the side, an expression Jane had once seen Maura make and laughed at, wanting Maura to do it again so she could take a picture. Jane had the urge to take a picture of Mia right now, but _that _would be one of the out-of-line things Jane was not willing to do. "Do you want to hear about my day?"

"Sure," Jane said, smiling and leaning on her elbows over the counter.

"Well, I talked to patients, same old, same old. And then I was called in for a consult at a private practice. They had a man there who was convinced he was Jesus. It was apparently something that had come up recently and none of his friends or family knew what brought it on. The guys at the private practice had the _brilliant,_" sarcasm noted "idea to try to bring in another guy and have him tell the patient that _he _was Jesus. When I got there, the patient was sedated and the other was thrown against the wall. Apparently he was screaming about how they were trying to trick him and they were all going to hell, something like that." Mia waved her hand. "So tomorrow, I get to come in and interview the guy. _That'll_ be fun."

"Haha, wow. I thought _I _was bad," Jane said. She actually did think she was worse off than the guy. He thought he was Jesus, but she was seeing and loving and _loving _her dead best friend. Or maybe that's just Jane's brain being selfish and trying to put her problems above others. Stupid.

"Don't beat yourself up over it, Jane," Mia said, referring back to Maura. "Just try to start moving past it."

"I know, I know," Jane said. She smiled grimly. "What should I do?"

"Have you… validated her death, for yourself? Have you recounted everything about that day?"

"What?"'

"Like, have you read the articles covering the day, talked to your friends and family?" _I know I've read the articles, but that must not be nearly as detailed as anything you could find yourself. _

"I haven't, yet…"

"You should give it a try. Try validating it. Accepting it." Mia paused, looking straight at Jane. Her gaze was soft, but steady. "Accept it, and then move on."

Jane nodded.

"And then what should I do?"

Mia shrugged slightly. "Have you… visited her grave?"

"No," Jane said softly. _I'm scared to. _

"You could try that?" Mia suggested. "Don't go unless you're ready, though."

Jane nodded, sitting for a moment. The pause in the conversation allowed for Mia's words to sink in and Jane to think of what she needed to do.

Jane suddenly looked up and smiled softly.

"You want to watch a movie?"

Mia cocked her head to the side, but smiled anyway. Jane wanted to change the conversation, and Mia wasn't going to make Jane talk when she obviously wanted to leave it behind for now.

"Sure."


	19. Chapter 19

**I know it's been forever, but here's an extra long chapter for you. I just lost my mojo for a bit but I've been getting it back slowly, so here it is! I hope you like it. Remember to tell me what you think!**

* * *

Jane walked tiredly into the bullpen the next morning. She tried to get some sleep after Mia left around ten o'clock, but she couldn't shut herself down. She was physically and mentally exhausted but she couldn't sleep. She couldn't sleep because she knew she couldn't control her dreams. What if she wanted to stay asleep forever? In her dreams, she was with Maura. Maura would never die and they'd all be happy. Jane would tell Maura she loves her, Maura would feel the same way, and life would carry on like before.

Jane always thought her life would be so different from this hell she's living.

Frost looked up as she came in and smiled and Jane tried her best to look like she got more than three hours of sleep. Others in the bullpen glanced her way, but quickly returned back to their work. Did she have something on her face? Did they know something Jane didn't?

"Hey, Jane," Frost said as she approached the desks.

"Hey, Frost."

"How was your night?"

Jane shrugged. "Alright, I guess."

Frost looked at his partner's tired face. He missed Jane. Or rather, he missed Jane from before. He missed the Jane that wasn't tired all the time, that looked like she could smile, that looked like she commanded the room. This Jane was missing all of that, all that swagger she walked and stood with before, that slight smirk when she knew she was in control of a situation. Now, her eyes are sunken and they seem to have lost the light in them. Even when she believed Maura was still around, there was almost no light. Over the months, she'd just gotten thinner than before, paler as if all the pigmentation in her skin has gone to trying to keep her body functioning. She didn't look well, but what could they do? Even when she's not Jane, she's still Jane. Jane doesn't accept help from anyone, anymore.

Jane shifted uncomfortable; Frost was staring at her. "Um… any update on the case?"

"Yeah." Frost shifted through some papers on his desk. "We've got the I.D. of the vic, and we were interviewing some witnesses last night. The family is coming in this afternoon."

"Okay," Jane said, nodding. Frost held the folder up for her to take and she took it, looking through some of the first pages. "Okay, I'm going to go over some of the autopsy notes. Pike's done it already, right?"

Frost was a little shocked at how calmly she said his name, but he hid it behind a blink. "Uh, yeah it's in there, one of the assistants brought it up a few minutes ago. Tox reports should come in later also, he said."

"Okay, thanks," Jane said, sitting down at her desk and leaning over the big folder of files.

Frost watched Jane read for a moment, wondering how she could act so detached one day, and be relatively normal the next. Jane's constant rollercoaster of emotion was driving him a little nuts, but, he supposed, things were worse for her.

Jane worked in silence for the next hour and a half, pausing to lean back and yawn. She sat back in her seat and rubbed her eyes with her palms.

"I feel like I missed the entire start of this case," Jane said to no one in particular.

"Well, you've kinda been out of it lately, so we forgive you," Korsak said as he passed the desk.

Frost looked like he was about to throw the nearest computer at Korsak, but quickly paused when Jane chuckled.

"Yeah, sorry for that, old man."

Jane looked back down at the folders, going through more notes and extra files for the next hours. One of Pike's minions came up an hour later to deliver lab reports and Jane stared at them all blankly, realizing that no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't take in the words on the page. They all blurred together and meant nothing to her. Nothing really meant anything to her anymore.

_Maybe you should just kill yourself. _

The thought stunned Jane for a moment, so much so that she sat straight up and suddenly felt nauseous. She looked around the bullpen, as if to check it was just a thought and not an actual suggestion from someone, or herself. No one was acting any the wiser and she shook her head. She hadn't thought like that since Hoyt.

She screwed her eyes shut and took a deep breath.

"I'm going to go get some coffee, either of you want any?" Jane asked her two partners.

"No thanks, I'm good," Frost said. Korsak seemed not to have heard her, so she just turned and left.

She pressed the button for the elevator and stood with her hands clasped in front of her belt buckle. That was her stance; one of power and self-assurance. She used to feel invincible against anything, but now she feels… almost nothing. Sadness… and a little numb, but she's well used to it by now. A little lonely too…

She stepped into the elevator and looked around the plain paneling across the small car. She thought of the same bullpen she's been practically living in for the past seven years, working her way up to where she is now. That café downstairs that provided the same old coffee for her every day… It's still the same. Almost everything is still the same, but she feels so different. She doesn't feel a part of this place anymore.

Her mother was standing in the nearly empty café, speaking with Frankie, who was leaning on the counter. She approached quietly, not wanting to disturb their peace. Frankie was talking with his hands and Angela was smiling brightly. Jane didn't want to ruin that.

Her attempt to go unnoticed was futile, because Frankie saw her almost as soon as she stepped past the café threshold.

"Jane," Frankie said happily. He was as simply cheery as always.

"Hey, bro," Jane said. "Hi, Ma." Too many things has been happening in the past few days and it seemed like weeks ago since Jane spoke to her mother. In reality, it's been about twenty hours.

"Hello, Janie," Angela said, her voice soft and warm.

"I was just going to get a coffee," Jane said, almost as if she'd been caught stealing the last cookie from the cookie jar before dinner.

"Oh, you sit down, I'll get it for you," Angela said, pushing Jane and Frankie toward a high rise table. "You too, Frankie."

Jane sat down without protest. It made her feel better to be with people she thought cared. She wondered when she'd finally get on their nerves and they would give up on her.

"How've you been, sis?" Frankie asked easily.

Jane shrugged. "I'm coping."

"You look tired."

"Yeah, I kinda am," Jane said, dropping her head onto her right hand.

"It'll get better, Jane."

Jane looked up. Her brain told her to agree, to say, "hopefully." But she wondered, deep down, how could things possibly get better? Maura's dead.

"And if you ever want to, you know, talk about it… I'm here." Frankie sounded almost as uncomfortable as he looked, offering his sister an opportunity to talk about her feelings.

"Thanks." Jane tried to muster up a sincere smile, but it didn't quite reach her eyes. Frankie forgave her though.

Angela bustled over to their table and put down a tray with two plates on it and two coffees.

"Aw, Ma, I just wanted a coffee, I don't need-"

"Nuh-uh you're not leaving until you eat that, Janie. And you, Frankie. You two are looking far too skinny for my taste."

"I've always been skinny, Ma, I can't really help it."

"Wipe that smirk off your face, Jane, I can practically see through your cheeks. Now eat," Angela said, smiling warmly through her harsh tone. Jane loved her mother.

Jane's phone buzzed and she pulled it off the clip.

_Family's here. Korsak's got this one, but I'm just letting you know._

Jane pushed the phone back onto her belt and closed her eyes. All those times she called Maura and she didn't answer was not because she turned it off to leave work alone, but it's because she's dead. The phone's off because she's dead. But… the phone should have been disconnected a long time ago, right?

"Eat," Angela urged, and then went quickly to the counter as a few beat cops entered the café. Jane quirked her eyebrow, wondering if the cops hadn't come in, would Angela have started prodding her with a fork.

Jane picked up the burger in front of her and took a small bite. She doesn't really taste much anymore, it seems pointless. Frankie and Jane ate in silence for a few minutes, the amounts of food on their plates eventually dwindling down to a few fries and crumbs. Jane looked at her watch in between pushing the fries around with her finger.

"I should probably head back up," Jane said, standing up. Angela had been chatting animatedly with the officers and, luckily for Jane, not hawked over them while they ate. Jane looked at her phone, willing another message, anything, to appear to let her know that she was still a part of this place. She felt so distant.

"Uh, hey, I have a question." Jane nodded at Frankie, who was standing up and brushing his uniform off. He stopped and looked at her expectantly. "Maura's phone… it should be disconnected by now, right?"

Frankie rubbed the back of his neck. This was something the Isles' had allowed them to do, not really understanding their request. They were just about to cancel the phone when Jane started believing Maura was still alive and they didn't… understand. They allowed the contract to continue, to live out the next year and a half of the renewal. Thank goodness Maura had just re-signed her contract.

"Um… it's a long story, Janie, but… we kept it going. Ma and me, with the Isles' permission."

"Uh, what?" Jane was confused. Why would they keep the contract going?

"We thought… we thought it would… you know, I'm not even sure why we did it. We're not experts or anything, but we didn't want you to, you know, go back into yourself. You finally started acting kinda normal and we didn't want to ruin that. 'Cause if you saw that the phone was disconnected I'm sure you would have… thrown a fit or something."

Jane nodded. That voicemail message was basically the only thing she had left of Maura's real voice. Maura once told her that every time a memory is relived, the memory changes a little bit. So the way Jane remembers Maura's voice now is not actually Maura's voice. The way Jane sees Maura in her head is not real either… the only thing left is the pictures, and her phone message.

It made Jane want to cry.

She didn't want to lose Maura.

Jane pulled Frankie into a hug, pressing her hands into his back, wanting him to know how much he meant to her. What would she do without her family? She'd probably be dead by now.

"Thank you."

"It's not just us, you know, it was the Isles' too. They let us keep the phone."

"You have the phone?" Jane asked, a little too eagerly.

"Yeah, Ma keeps it in the guesthouse. It's probably turned off, but she makes sure it's working every now and again."

Jane felt a small light inside her.

"Do you think she'd mind if I…"

"Of course not. She'd been debating giving it to you for the past couple of months, try to gently shake you out of it, but she couldn't bring herself to. But… now that you know…"

Jane nodded. "I'll just go ask her before I go up." Jane hugged Frankie again. "You're the best."

"You are too. Now I gotta go shoot some people, you're giving me a cavity." Frankie laughed and hugged his sister back.

Jane let go and turned toward her mother, quickly placing a hand on her shoulder. Angela turned from the cops she was talking to.

"Frankie told me about the phone, and I was wondering if I could have it?" It came out in a rush but Angela seemed to understand because she smiled and nodded, if a little sadly.

"Of course. It's in the drawer by my bed, and the charger is in their too."

Jane smiled and hugged her mother quickly. "Thanks, Ma. I have to go back up now, but thanks for lunch."

Angela pat her daughter's back and watched as she hurried out of the café toward the elevators. She might have been mistaken, but the news of the phone seemed to lift Jane a little bit. Maybe she was coming to terms with it… but it's only been a few days, how is that possible? Angela shook her head. Now's not the time to be doubting the strength of her daughter.

The rest of Jane's day was spent bouncing on her heels, ready to get her hands on that phone. She was updated on the state of the victim's family from Korsak and they were once again at the dead end, not being able to put anything else together from what the family knew about the their kid. They were stuck, really, but Jane couldn't wait until the clock struck five.

She signed out of the building as soon as the time came and rushed over to Maura's, bracing herself the entire way for any feelings she might get once she entered the place. She didn't want to go there right now, but she knew, in order to get to the phone, she needed to. She just hoped she didn't see Maura again, anymore. She couldn't face any more of her. She loved her, but… there was no but. Maura was everything to her, and the only thing she had left was her phone.

And all those messages she'd left Maura over the months. Jane suddenly felt extremely self-conscious. Imagine all those ridiculous things she'd said over the phone, laughing like everything as fine, telling Maura she was coming over for dinner, random calls asking what she was up to… and after all those months of calling, Jane never got a reply, and never questioned why.

Jane found herself in the middle of the living room, trying to breathe steadily. This was Maura's place, her _place_. Jane suddenly felt like she was invading, because she suddenly felt like she didn't belong there anymore. She didn't belong anywhere anymore.

She walked out the back door, through Maura's small stone garden leading to the guesthouse. Jane had only been in there a few times to help her mother move things, but she knew where the bedroom was. As soon as she stepped through the door her senses were filled with everything that her mother was. It smelled like a smothering hug, but also like cookies after school. It smelled like the arm around her shoulder, leading her around the park, and the subtle scent of apples like the hand soap her mother used. Jane paused in the entry way, letting the sudden calm wash over her. She felt safe here, where, if she closed her eyes and just breathed, everything was familiar and she was that carefree ten year old again, pushing to slide through the puddles in the park.

Jane moved toward the bedroom, her eyes zoned in on the bedside table. She stepped slowly, like a weak magnet. There was the drawer that contained the past six months of her false happiness, right? That's what it was: false happiness.

Jane closed her eyes and the next thing she knew, the small smartphone was in her hands, the charger in the other. She was standing as if she were weighing the two objects, testing to see if they actually existed.

Jane looked toward the phone and sighed, and then ran out of the guestroom, through the house, and back into her car. She drove off toward her apartment.

She couldn't wait to plug it in and her mind was racing. What was she going to find, from herself, from those voicemail messages? Should she even listen to them? She had Maura's phone now, and that felt oddly… calming. This was the little object that allowed Jane to communicate with Maura when they weren't together. This small little chunk of plastic and wires allowed Jane to stay in touch with her best friend, the woman she loved. Maybe now that the phone was sitting on her kitchen counter, she could feel some kind of connection to Maura again. A real connection. That, Jane thought, was what made the phone feel special.

But she also felt insecure. She wanted to listen to all these things she'd said on Maura's phone, but she knew she would be berating herself the entire time, wondering why in the hell would she allow herself to do this. She would listen to the way she always said, "Hey, Maura," and sigh because of how distant she sounded. She… she needed to hear these messages.

The battery was dead, though. She needed to charge it. She plugged in the charger to the outlet above her kitchen counter and attached it to the phone. She sat with her arms crossed on the cold counter top, staring at the phone, torturing herself with time as the phone seemed not to gain any further battery life.

She stood up and grabbed a beer from her fridge, popping it open and forcing herself away from the counter and toward the couch. She couldn't keep staring at the phone, waiting for it to charge. She couldn't keep staring at the phone because… she couldn't keep waiting for the woman who owns it to answer.

There's still something she needs to do, though, something Mia had suggested last night. She'd been thinking of it since then, and the more she thought about it, the more she thought of it as a good idea. She didn't go to the funeral, and as far as she knows, she hasn't even been to the… gravesite yet. She should go and… pay her respects. Say goodbye. She should go and see how… how everything was. No, that sounded stupid.

She glanced over at the phone.

She should go now.

On the drive over, she contemplated every reason for turning back. She didn't need to go, it's not like anyone was holding her accountable. What if she got there and… realized that she couldn't say anything? Well she didn't really need to say anything. Fuck this, she should just go in there. Don't forget to breathe.

She parked her car on the side of the hill that lead up to the plot. She had asked the last man leaving the main center where the Isles' plot was and he pointed her in this direction. Now all she had to do was find the marker that said _Maura Isles_.

Jane exited the car, closing the door quietly. The sun was barely over the horizon but it didn't feel like a sunset; not yet. It felt like something was preparing to start, and Jane felt it too, she just couldn't push herself to start walking.

_Just go, Jane._

A small voice in the back of her head gently nudged her along, the smooth tone telling her to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. Jane felt with every step a constriction in her chest. She wasn't ready for this, she couldn't see her yet, she couldn't… this is too much, it's too real. It's too real, Jane can't… can't deal with this. No, no, she can't.

_Just keep going, Jane. You're almost there. _

She only had to stay for a moment, there was nothing that was going to keep her there. She could get up there, say goodbye, and leave.

Finally she was at the top, looking over the rest of the cemetery like a guard. She could see most of the plots until it continued up another hill. Right now she was in the middle of the Isles' plot, where a whole history of brilliant people lay to rest.

Jane's breath caught in her throat and tears gathered in her eyes. She can't do this, she can't force herself to look down, to look for that name. She couldn't… couldn't do it.

_Look for me, Jane. _

Jane looked toward the sky and asked God what to do. _Give me strength, Lord. _She just… she's never felt this much pressure.

Jane turned her face downward and looked at the names marking the graves. There was a William and a Robert from the eighteenth century, and an Ellen and Olivia from the nineteenth century. These, of course, aren't Maura's real relatives, since she was adopted, but the names of these people have been a major part of Boston history, and a huge influence on everything. Maura, even if she wasn't blood related, was so much like an _Isles, _with the regality of the name flowing through her veins like blood. She was a part of these people and this history was so… large.

Jane reached the end of the large site, at the newest most recently disturbed ground. It wasn't _recent_, but… Jane knew who it would be. Her eyes were focused on the ground but she didn't want to look up. There was a big tree leaving a shadow over the gravesite from the fading sun and everything felt darker than it actually was.

_Just look up, Jane, just look up. Just tilt your head. _

Jane took a deep breath, but couldn't look up. She took another breath, readying herself, but her head wouldn't move. Her heart was pounding in her chest because… Maura was laying there, under the ground. Her Maura.

_Maura Dorthea Isles_

_ Born August 7, 1976_

_ Died September 13, 2010_

_ Safe from all earthly harm_

Jane could have collapsed right there but something kept her standing. It was like there were invisible hands underneath her arms, helping her stand. There had to be, because there was no way she could keep her body up right now.

"Maura," Jane whispered, her voice strangled by the oncoming tears. _Beautiful Maura._

The reality of Maura's death hit her hard and knocked the wind out of her. She could feel the twist in her gut like the bullet was going straight through her again. She remembered the panic right before she saw Maura get shot and the fleeting hopelessness at Maura's face. She remembered the terror she felt when Maura fell to the floor and Jane was rounding the corner, dragged away from her best friend and her brother. _Shoot me instead._ She shot _herself. _She had wished she'd died instead of Maura. She still felt that way.

Jane shrugged off the invisible hands and sagged to her knees. She crawled over to the side of the grave next to the tree and leaned onto her knees, holding her head in her hands. She didn't realize she'd actually been crying until her hands slipped off her cheeks, slick with tears. Jane looked up, wanting to see the sun, but there was only the shadow of the underside of a tree.

"Maura," Jane said again. She stared hard at the grave marker, but what was that going to do? It wasn't going to change anything, but she stared hard, as if she could. "I'm so sorry I never told you that I love you." Her voice kept cracking but there was absolutely nothing she could do about it.

Jane blinked out a few tears. She reached her hand forward carefully, brushing her fingertips over the cold, smooth stone. This spot right here, marked by a slab of stone, was where Maura's final resting place was. She tried to remember Maura's last days.

_Maura spent the night on Friday night. It was their last sleepover, but they didn't realize it at the time. That's why Jane didn't appreciate the way Maura tucked her feet under Jane's legs on the couch, leaning her arm over the rest and holding a glass of wine to her lips. Or the way Maura chuckled and rolled her eyes when Jane complained. Damn, she shouldn't have spent all her time that night complaining. But that's not all she did, whether Jane would believe it or not. They talked about the psychological repercussions of Hoyt, and sleep, and panic in general. Maura also told Jane about some science thing. Jane wished she remembered every detail._

_ They ate pizza, Jane drank her beer, Maura drank her wine. That was the last of the bottle and Maura told Jane to remind her to get more the next time she came over. _

Jane let out a soft sob when she realized that there wasn't ever going to be a next time.

_ Jane left the football game on the TV while they chatted, yawned, sat in silence. Jane was secretly admiring Maura, taking small moments to glance over at her and just revel in her beauty. How can one person be so many things? How can one person be so beautiful?_

_ Unknown to Jane, Maura was doing the same thing, her eyes tracing over Jane's long limbs, smiling at the mess that was Jane's hair and wanting so badly to put her lips on the place where her hair barely covered her collarbone._

_ Maura wore her hair in a side ponytail, those golden curls flowing gently over her shoulder. She would throw her head back whenever she really laughed, and sometimes she would wiggle her toes, probably unconsciously, but it always made Jane feel a little ticklish. Jane should have savored the moments. _

_ And the next day Jane and Maura were supposed to go to an early yoga class. Jane had promised, since Maura let her teach her kickboxing. Jane would have actually preferred running, instead of yoga. _

Jane's mind went back to the marathon they had run earlier that year. Before the race, Maura was really wanting Jane to run in just the suit, but Jane didn't want to, with P.U.K.E. broadcast across her chest. She got Maura to promise that at the next crime scene, she would call blood, instead of a reddish brown stain. The runners down during the marathon didn't count, so the next crime scene they had two days later, Maura appeared next to Jane and examined the body, carefully and hesitantly calling the red substance next to the victim's head "blood." It was fairly obvious, but she appreciated Maura's step forward. Maura nearly had a panic attack because of the guessing, and Jane had just laughed. And very nearly kissed her, too.

_That Saturday after the last sleepover when they were supposed to go to yoga ended up being a day to sleep in. They'd woken up naturally to the day, and there was nothing special. There was no sunlight streaming in through the window, casting any glow around Maura's head. Jane didn't find herself tucked up close to the smaller woman, an arm slung over her waist. They'd woken up side by side, Jane's left foot bent and tucked under her right calf and Maura's hands were folded on her stomach. Maura had woken first and gently shaken Jo Friday off her feet before scrambling to grab the pup before she pounced on Jane, but the effort was futile. Maura had laughed at how Jane shot straight up, her hair even wilder and curlier than the night before. Jane had smacked Maura's arm playfully, asking her why she didn't stop Jo and complaining about how it was too early to be awake. Maura pointed out that it was almost ten in the morning and Jane had groaned again, restating how it definitely was too early. _

_ Maura got up to use the bathroom and change into "normal" clothes while Jane put on a pair of jeans and an old t-shirt. Maura went out to make breakfast in the kitchen and they ate and talked like best friends; not needing to fill every moment with conversation, but being comfortable with each other without having to prove anything._

_ Jane was busy thinking off into space, wondering what it would be like to be able to be like this with Maura all the time. They would wake up together, go to bed together, eat breakfast together. They'd live together, maybe in Jane's apartment, maybe in Maura's house, their pets would get along great. Jane would come home late sometimes and Maura would be there, because sometimes Maura got off work earlier than Jane. Maura would be lounging on the couch with a glass of wine and a throw blanket, reading a book or something. Jane would come in the front door and no matter how shitty her day was, she would smile because Maura. Plain and simple; because of Maura. She would kiss her on the forehead – well, at first she'd probably kiss her lips any time she saw her – as a greeting. Maura would smile and scoot over to make room for Jane, and they'd cuddle on the couch while Jane watched sports quietly and Maura leaned against her. It would have been perfect._

_ Maura interrupted her daydreaming to schedule another day when they could go to yoga, and Jane groaned. That would have been the only downside to dating, living with, loving – maybe even marrying- Maura: she had no excuse to skip morning yoga._

Jane should have committed them to memory when she had the chance, and now, those moments are gone. She couldn't remember the outfit Maura put on, or even what Maura made for breakfast. She couldn't remember what kinds of things they talked about, but Jane missed that day like no other. It was their last normal morning together, since they didn't see each other until Monday at work.

Jane tried to remember their first times meeting each other. She was dressed as a hooker, undercover, as Tiffany. Narcotics had all the girls doing that, and Jane was more than happy to prove herself. When she finally moved to homicide she formally met Maura and was more than happy to show how kickass she actually was. She had even warmed up to Maura really quickly, despite everyone else's vibes toward her. No one seemed to be able to crack past Dr. Isles' professional demeanor until Jane came into the picture. Suddenly, Dr. Isles smiled more, was a lot more pleasant with the detectives, was willing to even talk to people at the crime scenes. Suddenly, one day, Jane said "Maura" instead of "Dr. Isles" and it stuck.

Jane sighed and looked at the empty ground. She wished she'd brought flowers, something bright and beautiful. She wished she'd done a lot of things, actually.

"It should have been me, Maur," Jane whispered, a tear sliding out of her already sore eyes. Was she really crying that hard?

"It should have been me, and I should have saved you." Jane choked on her voice. "God." Jane couldn't say it. "I don't deserve to live."

The wind ruffled the leaves and sent a chill up Jane's arms and she hugged herself tight, as if to keep herself from falling apart. She needed to hold onto something, just to make sure she still existed.

"Maura…" Jane tried to calm her breathing, wiping her face with her clenched fist. Her skin couldn't absorb all the tears and the action seemed to make her face even slicker.

"I'm sorry I'd never told you how much you mean to me." Jane tried to steady her voice, preparing to tell Maura the things she'd wanted to say. "You're such a brilliant, wonderful person. I can't believe I had a friend like you. I didn't think I could deserve such an amazing person as you. You just… you just appeared, and you saved me, Maura. I don't think I realized it as first, but you changed me. I'm softer, but in a good way. I've been beginning to eat healthier, and I'm sure if –" Jane choked on the words. "- if we had more time, I'd be the healthiest cop in the city." Jane tried to smile, but it ended up like a grimace. "I would have told you someday, you know. I think, if we'd both made it out that day, I would have said something… well, actually, no I don't think I would. I was too scared to say it before, I don't think I would have ever been able to say it." Jane's voice grew steadily stronger as she continued.

"You mean so much to me and I didn't want to lose that. I didn't want to lose you, so I think I would have kept quiet. I would have just lived every day knowing how much I love you, and probably taking you for granted, taking everything you are… for granted. I didn't realize how much I'd taken you for granted. I never appreciated you for who you are… I should have told you more how wonderful you were… are." Jane took a moment to breathe and to calm her heart. "I probably wouldn't have ever told you, but I wish that I was different enough to think I would. You… you made me stronger. I don't think you knew how much you changed me, mentally. You make me feel so… fiercely protective, because I – god this is going to sound ridiculous – I wanted to come home to you. Even though I wasn't coming home _to _you, I knew you would be there, and all I had to do was make it through the day. Who woulda thought you'd be the first to go…" Jane shook her head at the sky. "I was such a coward, Maura. I should have told you. I wish I could say now that if things were different and you were still alive, I would tell you, but I can't. I know I wouldn't, and that kills me. I want to tell you, but I wouldn't because I'm a damn coward." Jane sighed. " I love you so much, and I never told you." Jane sighed, more aggressively, bracing herself.

"So, this is me telling you, a little too late, that I love you. I. Love. You."

And the saddest thought of all, the echo moving through the city, the whisper flowing in the wind and blowing through Jane's hair as she trailed her fingers over the name of the woman she loved, was that she didn't know she was loved back.


	20. Chapter 20

**Hey, guys! I'm sorry, I meant to publish a few days ago but my computer decided to completely flip out. But I was able to recover my important stuff, so here's a new chapter! Hope you like it! (PS tell me what's going through your brain!)**

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Jane dragged herself back into her apartment two hours later. She had found herself lying next to Maura's grave and mindlessly telling her dead best friend about what she's been up to lately, how she's dealing with things. She just mentioned random things about her days, she told Maura how Frost and Korsak, Frankie and Angela were doing, how Angela was seeming to really love living at Maura's place, and it was so nice of Maura and her parents to let that happen. Jane babbled about memories they shared, days they spent together that, at the time, didn't seem as perfect as they did now. Jane told her about the broken wrist she almost got, and sometimes her hands hurt and it was weird not having Maura around to hold them.

She talked about all the things they would have done together, if Maura was still alive and was just as much in love with Jane as she was with Maura. Jane would maybe convince herself to go to yoga more often, just because Maura loved it so damn much. They'd go see plays and operas and artsy stuff like that, but Maura would need to come play softball sometime with the department. They'd kiss every morning before work and before they go to sleep, and Maura would be cuddled into Jane's side, and they'd wake up like that. Jane would kiss her awake sometimes, and they'd stay in bed for a little bit longer than necessary and kiss, make love, cuddle, or just _be _with each other.

Maybe someday they could get married, since it's legal here. They could have a big dream wedding, because Maura seems like the type of girl to have a wedding. Jane might even wear a dress, if Maura wanted, but she secretly just wanted to wear a Red Sox jersey. Jane told Maura about her wedding fantasy, wishing desperately she could hear Maura's. What would Maura wear, what kind of cake would she want, what would be their wedding song?

Jane told Maura she might be open to having a family, if that's what Maura wanted. They could live wherever Maura wanted and raise their kids in a nice house, and Jane would contribute equally financially. They could adopt, or have biological kids, but it definitely wasn't going to be Jane who carried the babies because, let's face it, Jane could barely take care of herself. If they had a boy, they could name him Travis, or Isaiah, and if they had a girl, they could name her Olivia, or Lauren, because Jane's always liked those names. Jane didn't know what kinds of names Maura would like though, but if she were alive for Jane to find out, she would ask and probably most definitely let Maura name them whatever she wanted.

Their kids could become whatever they wanted, except convicts, because Jane would hate to have to arrest her own kids because she planned on being in the force for a long time. But she'd always be there when Maura needed her; that was a promise. Jane told Maura how she could picture picking them up from play practice, or music lessons, or sports practice. Or maybe they liked to stay in and play video games and graphic design, or maybe they were artists. Jane would bring home little BPD pins and pens and badges and they could play police-person. Maybe they'd want to grow up and be a doctor, like their mom. Or detective, like their mom.

Jane told Maura she could see them growing old, watching their children grow up. Someday when their kids were old with their own families, they could come back and visit, and Jane and Maura would be grandparents, who raised beautiful children who had beautiful children for themselves. They could spend their days traveling, doing things they always felt too rushed to do. They would hold hands and watch the sunrise or sunset over the hills, or ocean, or wherever in the world Maura wanted to be. And when one of them died, the other would be glad to know that, at least, they lived a long happy life together.

"It would be amazing, Maura. It would have been beautiful."

Jane was weary and emotionally drained by the time she locked her front door, wanting to just curl up on her bed and sleep for the next few days, but the blinking light on the counter caught her attention. She remembered Maura's phone and all the things that turning it on would reveal. Did Jane want to listen to them right now?

Jane walked slowly over to the counter and leaned on her elbows, letting her head fall to the side and her eyes fall closed. She tried to hear Maura's voice in her head. It was there, just as rich and smooth as normal. But memories change, Jane remembered Maura saying once. Memories change every time you remember them. Jane wondered if her memory of Maura's voice has changed. She didn't want any of her memories of this lost woman to be altered in any way. That would make her too sad… but it's not like she'd remember anyway.

Jane reached over to the phone and pulled the charger chord out, testing the weight of the high-tech in her hand. Maura's technological equipment was always state-of-the-art and up-to-date with today's times, even though Maura never really needed any of the fancy features. She said she always like to be prepared, though. Just in case she ever developed a knack for Angry Birds.

She slid the screen open and was thankful there wasn't a lock on there; Jane might never have been able to figure it out if that were the case. She looked through the pages of apps Maura had, smiling at how _Maura _they seemed. There were apps for encyclopedias, dictionaries, anatomy, high-fashion, doctor-ly magazines, and measurement converters, voice recorders, automatic note-taking thing-ys, Maura was just all over this phone. Her background was a beautiful image of space, but Jane couldn't remember what it was.

It took her a moment to find the actual phone app, but she only had to look on the front page. Of course it would be at the very top, with the contacts list and text app right next to it. Maura had things in order and everything looked efficient and handy. Jane hesitated before tapping the little phone button, wondering how to maneuver over to voicemail. Jane should have expected the number, but when she actually saw exactly how many messages were left unheard, she nearly choked on her breath. How many times has she called Maura? 203 times. No, they all couldn't possibly be from her, maybe there was one moron out there who still called Maura, even though her death probably spread through her sociality community like wildfire on heat.

She pressed the voicemail tab and was, once again, a bit surprised at how many times her name showed up on the list. She scrolled down, searching for a sign of another name. There were maybe three or four that called, but they seemed to be telemarketing things. In other words, not of importance. She went back to the beginning of the voicemails, back around October, which makes sense, since Maura died in September and they said it took Jane a few weeks to start thinking Maura was around again… Jane hit herself mentally.

She tucked the phone safely within her palm and walked over to her bed, needing to lie down. She settled herself down slowly, never releasing the phone from her soft yet firm grasp. She tucked her free hand under her head and closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. She pulled her legs up, curling her body into a fetal position, cradling the phone in her hands. She turned on the phone's speaker and set it next to her ear, bracing herself for the tidbits of daily life she was about to hear from herself, on Maura's phone.

She opened her eyes and willed herself not to cry. For a moment, she wanted to believe: this wasn't Maura's phone, Maura isn't dead. No matter how much she tried to convince herself otherwise, it was there; that knowledge that, indeed, Maura was gone. Jane pressed play.

"_Hey, Maur. I feel like we haven't really been able to hang out much, so I was wondering if you wanted to meet up for drinks or something? Or you could come over and we could eat pizza, or I could go over there. Just let me know."_

"_Okay so you think it was his girl? No, no-Frost wait hold on. If she did it, she would have had to been somewhere near him, right? She has an alibi. Or, no-wait, you go verify that. I'm gonna see if Maura has the lab results... What the hell are you guys looking at?" _There was some static on the other end of the line. "_Whoops, but dialed… looks like I got voicemail though, since she's not responding. Hey, Maura, I'm coming down."_

"_Hey, Maura. I have _no _idea why you never answer your damn phone anymore… I'm sorry. This case is just killing me." _There was an audible sigh. _"You mind if I come over tonight? I'll bring pizza, and I'll get you that mushroom and vegetable crap you like. On pizza, Maura, _really?_"_

"_I'm on my way, I'm just stuck in traffic, be there in a bit."_

"_Hey, Maur? I left my jacket over there, I think. If you can't find it, don't worry about it, I'll just get it tomorrow."_

"_Hey Doctor Smartypants we need the lab results. Could you bring them up, we're swamped up here."_

"_Hey, not sure if you've left work yet, but the guys and I are going out for drinks and we'd like you to join."_

"_We missed you tonight," _Jane's voice was slurred in the voicemail. _"Your pretty face wasn't at the bar all night and that was sad. We toasted you, just because you're so. Awesome."_

"_Hey, you want to hang out tonight? I can't find you anywhere and I'm feeling like a night in, huh?"_

"_Hey, pick up your phoonnneeee, Maura. Ugh, do you _ever _have your phone anymore?"_

"_Damnit Maura. I really wish you'd change your voicemail message, it sounds too professional. Well I mean I guess it needs to be professional for your business stuff but anyway. Coming over tonight when I'm done, just let me know if you want me to pick anything up."_

Jane listened up until December before she stopped the voicemails and sighed. She'd heard enough of her voice. She missed Maura's voice, sorely, and missed the days when she believed Maura was alive. They were so clear to her, but at the same time, it felt like they didn't actually happen. There couldn't have been a time when Jane was so happy when Maura was gone, even if she didn't even realize it.

Jane set the phone down on to the bedside table and curled into herself. She closed her eyes, trying hard to find a reason that Maura no longer existed in the world. Maura never did anything bad; she was always polite, never said anything mean about anyone, never said anything with malicious intent. She took care of herself with bland health food and worked out often. She maintained order in the workplace and kept a beautiful home and allowed Jane's own mother to move in to the guest house. She was brilliant beyond compare and probably the smartest person Jane had ever met. She dedicated her life to helping others, speaking for the dead, when she could have lived a posh and frilly life on her fortune. She gave and gave to others and charities and was always the first to volunteer. She was so beautiful and simply glowed, regardless of an early nickname of "Queen of the Dead"; she was anything but.

Jane should have done more, she _could _have done more. She should have fought harder, told Maura to stay calm and stay where she was. Jane shouldn't have let Maura be such an available target, or even stayed in the open like that. She should have told Maura to leave while she could and take Frankie with her. She could have told Maura to go home and take care of that damn turtle – tortoise – and Maura wouldn't even be a part of this mess. Maura didn't have to die. This was all Jane's fault.

Jane sighed deeply and screwed her eyes shut. _Why should I be able to live?_

There was the voice in the back of her head, shouting at her, snarling at her. _Why did you let your best friend die?_

Jane opened her eyes and turned on to her back. The empty ceiling of her room stared back at her. Sometimes she felt like nothing. She doesn't feel anymore. The only things that seemed real was either a general overcast of sadness, regret, or nothingness. She didn't care about anything anymore and this past week seemed to last so damn long. It felt like there was nothing inside her anymore and that should have scared her, but she just… didn't feel anything anymore. She couldn't feel scared, or sad, or angry for herself anymore. The only thing in her empty shell of a person seemed to be Maura, and Jane felt as cold as a rock, wanting to freeze off, but at the same time remember everything, about this woman. That woman would be the death of her.

Jane tugged her own phone out of her back pocket. She held it up over her face and looked at it closely, comparing her cheap early-2000's phone to Maura's fancy gadget. They were so different, how could anything have happened between them? They came from two different worlds. They were basically two different people. If it weren't for this job, they would never have met, because Jane doesn't belong in the high-class world of someone like Maura Isles. That was proven enough when there was a case close to home for Maura. The only thing wrong with Jane's plan to confess her love for Maura was the inevitable rejection. Maura would probably run in the opposite direction, wondering how she could have ever let a rough and scraggly dyke detective into her life like this. They would probably have lost everything they were. Maura would have hated Jane forever, and that was a cold idea that made Jane feel like her insides were twisting over each other. She'd rather be dead than lose Maura.

Jane flipped her phone open and tapped on the speed dial. Number one, as always, as it has been for the past four years, is her very best friend Medical Examiner Doctor Isles. Her name in Jane's phone was simply saved as _Maura _but that official title, her work title, was what Jane had used for a few months, until Jane really got tired of Maura calling her _Detective Rizzoli _all day.

Maura, her best friend, her very best friend, the love of her life.

Jane wished she hadn't scoffed whenever Maura talked about dating. She wished she'd taken more care to listen to everything Maura said to her, because every word that perfect woman uttered was important, or at least it was to Jane. Jane can't even remember half of their conversations. They never really talked in depth about love or relationships, but Jane really should have asked more. She should have cared more. She should have shown some interest in what Maura was telling her because all Maura wanted to do was share her knowledge with Jane. It was selfish of Jane to brush everything off so easily.

She pressed the call button and pressed the phone against her left ear, turning back onto her right side to pick up Maura's phone and cradle it to her chest again.

"You've reached Doctor Maura Isles. I am not available at the moment, but please leave your contact information and a detailed message and I will return your call as soon as possible."

Maura's voice was so sweet. The phone speakers altered it a little, made it a little disconnected and scratchy, but Jane could still hear hints of the voice she used to pick out of a crowd.

Jane flipped the phone closed before the voicemail could signal the start of the recording and took a deep breath. She flipped it open again and pressed the call button.

"You've reached Doctor Maura Isles. I am not available at the moment, but please leave your contact information and a detailed message and I will return your call as soon as possible."

Jane flipped the phone closed again. She opened it and pressed the redial button.

"You've reached Doctor Maura Isles. I am not available at the moment, but please leave your contact information and a detailed message and I will return your call as soon as possible."

She listened to the message, the last recording she had of Maura's voice. It was sweet and smooth and Jane could remember that voice scolding her at a crime scene, arguing about guessing causes of death. She could remember all the time's Maura told her that sex was beneficial for physical health and whatnot and Jane brushed her off uncomfortably. That honey-smooth voice was what made Jane's life worth living.

"You've reached Doctor Maura Isles. I am not available at the moment, but please leave your contact information and a detailed message and I will return your call as soon as possible."

Jane played the message over and over and over until she fell asleep, the last round of Maura's message playing in her ear and leaving Maura's most recent voicemail recording a minute-long clip of Jane's soft and even breathing.


	21. Chapter 21

**Sorry for the long absence, but we're almost done now. I have one more chapter planned after this one. Hopefully, I'm done with the summing up of events and everything and I hope this one leaves you all with a little bit of closure. **

**TRIGGER WARNING, please heed my word. **

**Tell me what you think when you're done with this chapter, I really do want to know all your feelings about this. Enjoy!**

* * *

Two months went by as Jane tried to pull herself back together. She felt lost, hell, she _was _lost. No amount of family, friends, desperate night-time prayers, could bring her away from the painful thoughts of Maura that plagued her mind every waking and sleeping moment. It felt like the world was moving on without her and she was stuck in the past, with Maura, and no matter how much she tried to push the woman out of her mind, Maura would come back to her a thousand times faster and harder.

Jane moved herself idly to the side of everyone's life, realizing that no one had time for her shit anymore, and really, they shouldn't have had to put up with it for this long. They were better off without her bringing a cloud over a sunny day. They didn't need her at the Rizzoli dinners anymore, and she was pretty sure they don't even miss her there after she stopped going. They tried to get her to come back, of course, but she knew they were better off without her; she was never good company anymore.

Jane considered leaving Boston all together, get away from everything and go somewhere where she knows no one and no one knows her. She could get a fresh start, transfer to another homicide unit across the country… but leaving everything behind would absolutely be too painful; she wouldn't be able to take it. If Maura dying hadn't killed her, leaving everything behind surely would.

Jane found herself sighing constantly, baffled by her constant state of self-pity. She knew she needed to snap out of it, but every time she tried to take a step forward, thoughts of Maura, reminders of Maura, were always there to jolt her back a couple steps. She wouldn't be surprised if she were further back than when she started.

She could see everyone moving on without her, and she realized it was because they developed enough sense to leave the crazy person behind. All Jane really did was hold everyone back from their lives, and she was no more fun outside of work than she was at. Her work was still efficient enough; she focused all her energy into a case until she couldn't anymore, and then the thoughts of Maura would drag her down. It was nothing a few hours of sleep couldn't fix.

Jane developed permanent bags under her eyes and a signature scowl endless sleepless nights caused her. Lying awake in bed and staring at the ceiling, thinking of all the things she should have done, should have said, haunted her no matter how much she tried to think herself through it. She could almost recount the exact pain she felt as she saw Maura fall to the floor, and the pain of not being able to go to her no matter how ferociously she clawed at his arm. She could remember the way she felt when Maura would ever come into the room, because just the sight of her was so beautiful that Jane had a hard time tearing her eyes away. She wanted to grab Maura by the shoulders and make sure she knew how amazing she was, but she never did that. Thoughts of how much she valued Maura's friendship and the fact she probably never would have told her how she felt killed Jane, no matter how many times she tried to tell herself that she would have eventually told Maura. She was permanently haunted.

In these two months, the Isles' family lawyer was finally allowed to contact Jane, dropping by her apartment and handing Jane a check for two million dollars, left by Maura in case anything were to happen to her. The lawyer was kind enough to suggest that maybe it was for compensation for the emotional damage, or perhaps it was in case Jane ever needed the money and Maura wasn't around to help. Jane wanted to give it back, but she couldn't let go of the small rectangle with her name scrawled in Maura's handwriting on the middle of it in a heavy black ink. Maybe their friendship didn't mean much to Maura after all, if she thought she could sum up all of Jane's needs in money. Jane didn't want Maura's money; she wanted Maura.

The lawyer also left an envelope with _Jane Rizzoli _written neatly on the top left corner in Maura's handwriting. He smiled as he placed it in her hands, along with the check, but left quickly, needing to attend to things back at his office. Jane stared at that small little envelope for an hour, debating on whether she should open it. She wanted to keep this last thing she had of Maura's a mystery, already having listened to the voicemails left on Maura's phone and going through the last of Maura's things left in that big house of hers. Her parents wanted the stuff back and, now that Jane was fully aware of what was happening, there was really no better time to rip away all the rest of the connections Jane had to Maura. Jane pitied herself that all that was left for those connections was clothes and the light, barely-there scent still stuck on the pillow on the right side of her bed.

She hadn't called Mia since that night. Mia reminded her too much of Maura, and that wasn't fair, for Mia, if Jane kept her around. Jane suspected that's why she went home with her that night, because of her resemblance to Maura. Jane kicked herself mentally. She shouldn't have brought in someone new into this, and she shouldn't have called and made this person, however small the role is, a part of her life. She lost Mia's number and removed the woman from her mind; she'd forget about Jane soon enough.

Life went on as usual for everyone else, and seemingly for Jane as well, but no one knew what she was thinking inside when she was quietly sitting at her desk with her hands folded up to her chin and her eyes blank. She was clearly not herself anymore, but she was too tired to have anyone help her anymore. She was too tired to try anymore. She was pathetic, that without Maura she turns into a shell of herself. She let herself get dependent on a person and now that person was gone, she was lost. Jane was pathetic, and so, so sorry. She didn't deserve help at this point because she was did this to herself. This was all her fault.

And that's how Jane found herself sitting in the middle of her living room floor in the middle of the night, papers, clothes, pens, a toothbrush, a hair brush, a pair of running shoes, and that unopened envelope thrown in disarray around her. _This was the last of it_, she thought. _These are the last Maura things left in this goddamn place. _Jane reached forward and nudged the pen with her finger, trying to recall if she even ever saw Maura writing with it, but couldn't come up with anything special. _Stupid, stupid Jane. You should have remembered everything. _Maura had left a pair of her fancy running shoes in the hall closet, knowing they went on runs often enough that Maura could spend the night and have some things here to change into and out of afterwards.

A part of Jane wanted to throw everything into the sink and set it all on fire, burn away everything, but every time she had that thought something inside of her flipped over, threatening to knock her out with nausea. Every time she thought about how much she wanted to get rid of everything, wash this woman out of her life for good, she felt like dying even more so than normal. She felt the need to throw up, expel everything from her body, every single time she thought about getting rid of Maura's things. These things were _Maura's_ stuff, she had to keep it.

There were a few outfits for work, knowing sometimes they fell asleep before Maura had the idea to get back to her own house. Jane was sure some of her own stuff would be found in Maura's closet, but she could never bring herself to care enough about her own clothes to go retrieve them. Jane ran her fingers over the smooth fabric of the dresses, wishing to herself and then cursing silently at her idiocy that she would have been able to feel Maura's body inside the dress, to run her hands over Maura's hip, or down the curve of her back. Jane cursed herself and hated herself for thinking of this; she shouldn't objectify her friend like this, even in death. It wasn't fair to… either of them.

Jane had seen Maura changing enough that she knew what she was missing. Jane caught herself multiple times staring at the barely dressed woman, wanting to come up behind her and wrap the shorter woman in her arms. Maura was all soft and curvy where Jane was hard and firm. They could have complimented each other perfectly. Jane would turn away shyly but always wish she'd looked for a moment longer, in order to imagine that perfect blonde hair splayed across her bed, her arms above her head, her back arching in pleasure as Jane made love to her body with her lips.

Jane never let herself stay on this fantasy for too long, knowing Maura would be dressed in a moment and would ask what was causing Jane's elevated heart rate and flushed appearance. These memories only made Jane cringe more, reaffirming the fact that Jane would never have told Maura how she felt.

There was still that damned letter, and that damned check. They were lying there, harmlessly, as if they weren't the biggest cause of Jane's inner debate for the past hour, and even before then. Could her relationship with Maura be summed up in money? Why would Jane ever even _want _any of Maura's money? She'd always made it perfectly clear that Maura's money meant absolutely nothing to Jane, and yet, here she is with a sizeable check. She wanted to hurl it out the window and forget about it, but she couldn't. She didn't want to dispose of Maura's money as if it meant nothing to her, even though it did, simply because it was _Maura's_ money. Jane wanted to punch herself in the face for not knowing what to do.

And there was that letter, laying there. It was so average looking, plain white envelope, and just a simple name written on the top. The more Jane stared at it, the more Jane realized what a plain name she had. _Jane Rizzoli. _How could someone like _Maura Isles _reciprocate love to someone like _Jane Rizzoli_. Jane couldn't offer anything to Maura, really; she had no money, no name, no fancy job, no comfy house, no luxuries at all. She could only offer her love, and that wouldn't be enough for that woman. Jane would go crazy to give Maura everything she ever desired. Jane was so plain, and Maura was everything bụt.

Jane wanted to rip that envelope open and read everything in there, if there was actually anything in there. What if she'd been killing herself these past two months over an empty envelope that _might _have contained something had Maura not gone and fucking _died. _But no, no, there was definitely something in there. Jane's held it up to the light enough times to know there was at least one piece of paper in there. Jane wondered why it would be there in the first place, and not already in her possession. Why would Maura seal something away in a letter? Jane wanted to tear it open and know Maura's last words for her, even though these weren't exactly her _last _words to her… this is the last thing Jane would have of Maura saying anything to her, even if it was written a year, two, three ago. Jane should know what was in that envelope, but she was frightened. She didn't want this to be the last thing of Maura's she would ever read. She didn't want this to be the last new thing they had of each other, because once this was gone, she can't go back and unread it. It would be read, and there would be nothing new left for Jane and Maura. Everything that would ever be has already happened.

Jane picked up the envelope, ready to open ịt and ready to reveal all the secrets it held. She didn't know why she was freaking, because the letter could be really insignificant. If Maura really needed to tell her something, wouldn't she have just told Jane in person? Maura could have sat down and had a discussion, because that's what Maura does; she likes to talk things out. This could be just a very basic thing, like… Jane couldn't even think of anything, but what if it was as insignificant as she suspected? Or more? What if it was just some passwords or something. It could be passwords… shit. It was probably passwords. She'd been freaking out over a bunch of passwords and codes when she secretly wished inside that Maura would tell her something major, something life changing. Secretly, all this time, Jane wished that there would be something special inside that envelope. What if Maura professed her undying love for her? What if Maura told Jane her true feelings in this letter? But damn, it was probably passwords.

Jane had set herself away for the past two months, and the sad thing was, it wasn't even a gradual change. People were used to being shut out by her, but how? She didn't recall removing any of these people from her life, but maybe she's been doing it all along, silently and slowly pushing these people away. Jane should have kicked herself, told herself to stop alienating herself from people, but she couldn't. She let this keep happening, and now she was alone. She didn't have her best friend anymore, and she đidn't have her friends anymore. Almost everyone in her life left her alone now, and Jane felt awful that she merely felt indifferent toward that. She did not care about the fact that no one wanted to be around her anymore, because really, she didn't want to be around them. She always somehow found a way to bring down a conversation, and she was tired of making people sad. People seemed to be moving on, so she should too. But she couldn't, so she'd politely step back and out of the way and allow people to move forward… without her.

She just hated herself for how she seemed to not be able to move forward. She seemed to not be able to let go of Maura, move past her, or even give herself a moment to try to not think about her. Maura took over her mind and she was going crazy. Maura was always there in the corner of her eye, in the back of her mind, her watchful and wise gaze looking over everything Jane did. She could feel the nonexistent gaze burning into the back of her neck when she was out on one of her infrequent runs, she could feel her presence in the room even though she wasn't there. That was the most ridiculous part: she wasn't even there.

Jane just couldn't move on. Everything she did, thought about, said, everything was under Maura's eye, and Jane hated that. She could almost feel the blame dripping off of Maura and having it thrown back at her. As the days passed, Jane only felt more and more guilty that she didn't save her, didn't do anything more to protect her, let her dịe. It wasn't fair to Maura, that Maura paid the price for Jane's inability to protect what meant most to her. Maura was there to remind her, though, and wasn't there at the same time, which still reminded her. Everywhere she looked, there was Maura, a small smile playing at her lips, but Jane knew what she was thinking: it's all your fault Jane.

Jane pinched her fingers at the tip of the envelope, ready to rip off the edge of the envelope. Just a tear, and then oops, the envelope just fell open.

But she wasn't ready to read it yẹt. She didn't want this to be Maura's final anything, and this letter would be Maura's final _everything_. This is the last new thing that Jane would ever experience of Maura and she couldn't give up that one chance yet, not now, maybe not ever. But she couldn't let the contents of this envelope remain a mystery forever. God she hated herself.

Jane tore the envelop quickly and painfully, her brain thinking in the second it took her to take the small flap off that maybe she'd rip the envelope and the contents inside and she'd never be able to read it, and it would remain a mystery forever. And then Jane hated herself for that thought because she _had _to know what it said. She didn't want it to remain a mystery forever. How could she? She couldn't, because she loves Maura too much.

Jane slipped that dreaded piece of paper out of the envelope. It was carefully folded into thirds, and Jane paused a moment, knowing Maura's fingerprints were all over this. She opened the paper, one flap at a time, and was thanking the lord in heaven that it was handwritten. The letters were small and there were some smudges visible on the page as Jane's eyes quickly scanned over the entire letter, but Jane saw words, Maura's words, and it didn't look like passwords. Jane did a small victory dance. She looked up toward the sky and took a deep breath, trying to calm her suddenly racing heart, her flushed face glowing red with nervousness, unclench the parts of her body that seemed to contract at the thought of finally reading this letter. She blinked rapidly, unsure why, but chalking it up to procrastinating even more. The letter was finally open, the hard part was over. No turning back now, because now that it was wide open, there was no way she would let it sit idly.

_Dearest Jane Rizzoli,_

Jane paused right there. That first word right there made her breath catch in her throat.

_I can't believe you're alive. I'm so glad you're alive. I actually couldn't be happier. When you didn't show up at your apartment last week I thought I was going to dịe. I did, Jane, I thought I was going to be physically ill. When they found you and you were alive, I was seriously considering sending up a thank you prayer to a god that I know neither of us believe in anymore. _

Jane guessed Maura probably wrote this after Hoyt, the second time.

_Jane, Jane, Jane, you – I can't begin to explain everything. How can I tell you how much you scared me? I wanted to die, Jane, and take your place because you mean so much to me. You mean so much to so many people and I do not. You are too good to be taken away and I am easily replaceable, and I would have given anything to switch places with you. You shouldn't have had to survive him twice, but you did, my dear, you did._

Jane's mouth dropped open. _First of all, Maura, there is no way in hell I would let you switch places with me and go through that. No chance in hell. Maura, how could you even say that? And you, you fucking stupid genius, why would you ever think you are replaceable? You are the least replaceable person in the entire world? Maura, did you not see everything amazing you are? I can't believe this, Maura. _I _would rather die than let you take my place, and I would rather die than have you think you don't mean anything to anyone. Fuck that, Maura. _

Jane balled her fist and clenched her jaw, not believing that Maura would think of it that way. She would protect Maura with her life, but… in the end, when she had the chance to, she failed. Damnit, Jane.

_And hold on a second, did she just call me "dear"?_ Jane looked over the last sentence she read. Yeah, it happened.

_Jane, Jane, oh Jane, I love saying your name. You should see me now, crying over a piece of paper and the idea that you could have died without ever knowing how I felt. Knowing you could have died without knowing, Jane, is killing mẹ. _

Jane realized the smudges on the paper was where Maura's tears made the ink run. Her dear Maura was crying while writing this. _Dear Maura, my dear sweet Maura, don't be sad on account of me. I'm not worth your tears. I couldn't save you. I don't deserve anything from you. _

Jane's fingers brushed the first tear drop she encountered on the letter so far, right over the words "saying," "paper," and "you." Three random words that got smudged into almost no recognition by the tears that Maura cried while thinking about her. Jane wanted to cry. She felt the prickliness of tears behind her eyes and on her nose. No, she wanted to have clear eyes and a clear head while reading this.

_Jane Rizzoli, I love you. I've known it forever but I never told you because you are the best thing that's happened to me in my life. You are also my best friend, so I suppose I will never be able to tell you, but Jane, just writing it feels so good. I feel free, Jane, and I love you so much. _

Jane slapped a hand over her mouth to muffle the sob that escaped. The tears suddenly filled her eyes to capacity and spilled over before she could do anything to stop it.

_I love you, I love you, I love you. Jane! I'm smiling like an idiot right now. I feel like I took some kind of substance. I feel like a teenager in love, Jane, but it's so good! I love you._

There was a tear stain over one of the _I love you's_ but Jane could see it clear as day, and it was beautiful.

_I hope someday you realize how much you are loved, by me and by everyone else. The world has not treated you kindly, Jane, and my dream someday is that I can fix that for you and give you everything you desire. I want to make you happy, Jane, any way I can. And someday, if that means when I tell you I love you and you decide you want me out of your life, I will leave. _

The writing in that sentence was shaky and Jane could see the effort it took to write it.

_But just know, Jane, how much I love you. I just want you to know that. I've never been one to doubt myself, but you make everything about me seem upside down. You challenge me, and you make me so happy that I can barely contain myself around you. I'm sure you've noticed, how could you not? _

_I love you so much, and I will tell you one day. I will tell you. _

It seemed like a promise. It was a promise neither of them ended up being able to keep.

_I will tell you that I love you. I love you, Jane Rizzoli, I love you!_

That last sentence was underlined.

_Sincerely, yours truly and forever,_

_Maura Isles_

Jane managed to fold the letter back up and place it over the envelope before throwing it across the room as far and as hard as she could manage. It landed four feet away from her, because it is really hard to throw flat paper. She slid as quickly as she could against the bottom of her kitchen counter and threw her head back hard, hitting the wood. She clenched her eyes and balled her fists, banging onto the side of her legs. She resisted the urge to rip all her hair out, and this time, the pain in her abdomen and chest would not cease. She was really imploding this time.

She wanted to curl into a ball and hide away but she wanted to hurt herself as much as she could possible handle at the same time. She banged her fist against the wood above her head and hit her head again, wishing to god she never read that damn letter. She could hear herself wheezing and feel her throat tightening and her jaw was clenching like she was trying to crush all her teeth.

"Why?" Jane cried out, banging her fists on the wood floor. Why did Maura have to love her too? Why is she just finding this out now? Why was there a time when they both loved each other but neither of them did anything about it? Why did Jane let her slip away from her without having Maura know that her love was returned?

"This is not fair!" Jane screamed hoarsely, banging her head against the counter. She lost Maura, and now she knows there could have been a "them." They could have had something together, and if she couldn't change fate and things would end this way, there would have been no _I should have told her'_s and Jane would have been able to know what it felt like to have Maura in her arms, for once, finally. This isn't fair that they both loved each other and neither of them did anything about it. It isn't fair that they never told each other how they felt and now there is no chance for either of them to say anything to the other. It isn't fair that this is how the truth comes into the open, with a letter full of tears and Maura dead. This isn't fair.

Jane brought her knees up to her chest and folded her arms on top of it. She dropped her head on top of her arms and sobbed openly and loudly, not caring anymore if the neighbors hood, hell, if the whole neighborhood. Part of the crying was in relief, that Maura loved her too. Part of the crying was happiness that Maura did indeed love her too. Maura loved her. Most of the crying, however, was pain. How can she go on, knowing Maura loved her? How could she move on now that she knows Maura loved her? How can she get rid of the regret and guilt now that she knows that if she told Maura she loved her, the feelings would have been returned?

If Jane didn't hate herself before, this was the final push. Her mind was running through glimpses of what could have been if one of them had taken a step and told the other, but all that happiness was erased by the present pain of _how could neither of them have known_. Now none of that could ever be and, god, that killed Jane more than anything.

Jane cried for a few minutes, openly sobbed more like it, but eventually the tears stopped and she had no idea how. She'd never felt more stupid, more useless, or angrier at herself. She never felt more lonely, either, and she realized this was all her fault. She brought this all on to herself and fuck everything else. _Jane Rizzoli, you no good piece of shit. You idiot, you stupid fucking idiot. _Jane rubbed her eyes with her palms but they felt numb and swollen. Her entire body had been convulsing with the power of her sobs and now, when her body was starting to calm down, she realized how many times she'd thrown herself against the counter.

Jane turned around where she sat and began punching the bottom of the counter as hard as she could, punching too see which would come first: the counter breaking, or her knuckles breaking. Soon she couldn't feel her hands and she knew there was blood on the counter but that wasn't going to stop her. She wished her hands would break because she just didn't give a damn anymore. She wanted them bloody, because she really didn't deserve to have anything moving through her veins anymore.

She let her best friend dịe. She let Maura dịe. If she had logged in the evidence when she could have they could have gotten out of there alive. If she had sent Maura home to be with that damn tortoise at least Maura would be alive. There were so many things Jane could have done but didn't and now Maura's dead and it was all Jane's fault. It was _all _Jane's fault, and she was so tired of trying not to feel the blame anymore. She blamed herself because she didn't help more, didn't try more to save them. Instead of trying to stop them all, she bullied Maura into trying to help Frankie. Jane should have done something instead of standing there and screaming at her best friend to try to fix him. She should have tried to save them all, she shouldn't have let him down there anyway. She shouldn't have left him in the bullpen with her gun in the unlocked drawer god how stupid was she?

_Too many mistakes,_ she thought to herself as she punched.

Her energy left her and she sagged to the floor, holding her throbbing hands lightly against her chest. She wanted to lay here forever and dịe. She just wanted to dịe. Her hands were on fire and the knuckles were split wide open. The last few punches left smudges in the splatters of blood, her knuckles were covered in so much of it. The counter was in slightly worse shape, but the illusion of the dripping blood made it look worse than it seemed.

_I don't even care anymore, _Jane thought.

She held her hands to her chest and tried to slow her ragged breathing, the tears still stinging at her eyes and dripping down the bridge of her nose and out of the corners of her eyes. She moved her hands a few inches to glance down at them, and she was sure that as soon as she could feel them again, she was going to be in a large amount of pain.

_Oh well,_ Jane shrugged. _I deserve it._

Jane closed her eyes and tried to repress the urge to vomit. She lost the will to do anything anymore. She was a failure, as a person, as a friend, as a daughter, as a detective. She was supposed to protect people, and protect the people she loved. She believed in keeping things together and protecting your own, and she was unable to do either. She was falling apart and she let Maura dịe. Jane had never felt more disgust toward herself for the level of self-pity coming from her mind right now.

Jane sat up and looked around. She never realized how quiet her apartment actually was, but now that quiet was eating into her, as if to scream _look, Jane, look how lonely you are._

She couldn't leave Maura's things on the floor forever. She scooted toward them, out of energy to go any faster or pick herself up off the floor. She moved her hands forward slowly, every movement in her arm causing the muscles in her hands to pull and stretch. She was gaining feeling back in them and it hurt like a bitch, but she powered through it, picking up the little last reminders she had of Maura. She watched as her hand closed around one of the shoes. _Huh, _she thought. _Maybe my hands aren't broken. _There was a little room for optimism everywhere.

She placed the things on top of the counter and on top of a desk and coffee table within moving distance, all without standing up. She wanted to spend the rest of her life on the floor, because that seemed to be where she was losing all her shit. She'd fallen to the floor, and she really can't seem to get back up, so why not spend the rest of her time on this floor?

_Go drag yourself to bed, Jane, _she thought. She tried to pull herself off the floor, but her grip on the counter top was so weak that she had to let go almost immediately with a curse, pain shooting through her fingers and radiating through her entire hand. She rolled herself up, using momentum to stand up, but her legs were wobbly from sitting for god knows how long. She took careful steps toward her bedroom, her entire body not wanting to move.

She went into the bathroom to assess her current physical state. She looked like shit. Her eyes were puffy and red, her cheeks were sore and blotchy, her nose looked like she'd been standing in the cold for the past three hours. Her hair was frizzy from exasperatedly running her hands through it and grabbing at it. Her shirt was wrinkled beyond recognition and had puddles of sweat and tears dotting the bottom. Her hands looked like she'd gotten into a fist fight with a brick wall, but she guessed her kitchen counter was the next lethal culprit. She reached forward mechanically and turned the sink on, running cold water over her hands to wash away the blood and soothe the burning. She shouldn't have done this, since Maura wasn't here to take care of her and fix her, like normal. Damnit, stop thinking of Maura.

The skin on her knuckles looked beaten clean off and the sensitive skin underneath was flaming red, even with most of the blood washed off. The skin that wasn't ripped off was covered in bruises and her hand was swollen. Maybe something was broken after all. Or cracked, or something. But honestly, Jane didn't care; let herself suffer. She deserved it.

Jane opened the cabinet under her sink and pulled out rolls of gauze. She wrapped it around her hands like a hand wrap, since she couldn't think of any other way to do it. She just didn't want blood all over herself when she woke up in the morning, though she didn't know why she still cared. Her breathing was shallow, her mind and body was numb, her heart felt like it was barely beating, and nothing mattered anymore. She felt so empty she could just collapse.

Jane turned off all the lights and walked over to her bed. She set herself down gently and laid down, her head hitting the pillow but her mind not welcoming the cool, soft thing like it usually did. She just didn't care anymore.

She glanced at her clock. Her alarm clock would wake her up in six hours and twenty-seven minutes if she fell asleep right now. She just wanted to sleep right now and forget about everything, and in six hours and twenty-seven – actually – six hours and twenty-six minutes, she would resume life again.


	22. Chapter 22

**Final chapter. It was a bit painful to write.**

**TRIGGER WARNING.**

**Let me know your final thoughts. Thank you all so much for sticking through this story with me. You all are so wonderful.**

**Enjoy.**

* * *

There was not a single rational thought moving through Jane's head.

_I shouldn't._

_ You have to._

_ I can't._

_ You made this._

_ You are disgusting._

_ You are weak._

_ I've survived so much._

_ But you failed._

_ I deserve this._

_ You fuck up everything._

_ Nobody even wants you around._

_ Look at yourself now, you fucker._

_ You're alone._

_ Do you like it? Do you like this?_

_ You did this all to yourself._

_ You fucking deserve this._

_ You deserve what you're worth._

_ What am I worth?_

_ Almost nothing._

_ What do I deserve anymore?_

_ Absolutely. Nothing. _

_ Except to die._

_ I deserve that._

_ I deserve to die. _

Her thoughts collided at hundreds of miles an hour but at the same time felt like they were the slowest things in the world. Her thoughts felt like she was personally trying to run a marathon through water, and she was suffocating.

She was so tired of suffocating. She was so tired of being the burden on everybody's back. She couldn't handle herself anymore, barely eating, barely working, barely hearing the words of those coworkers who realized months ago that she would never be the person she was, and they either accepted that or moved on. All of them moved on, without her. So that left her to herself. Alone. Nobody needs her anymore. Nobody even wants her.

Frost was the first who stopped bothering to speak to her out of a professional conversation. He was a sensitive person, Jane understood that before, and she understood that especially after Maura's death when she would attack him personally, out of envy that everyone else, especially him, who seemed so happy with life while Jane was moving at a miserable pace.

Korsak went next, used to Jane ignoring his quips but never ignoring full input. He tried to get her to talk, to smile, but it was futile. She was silent except when she was angrily explaining something, or she was raging at a suspect. She got confessions a hell of a lot quicker now, but at the cost of her friendships in the homicide unit. The rest of the unit had never really paid her too much attention, but now, it's like she's not even visible to them, knowing she would potentially beat their face in if she caught them looking at her in any kind of negatively-perceived way. Crowe made the poorest of judgments and regaled a joke on how the Queen of the Dead was dead, and now the Ice Princess has taken over. Jane almost shot him but was instead sent home for the day. Her usually fiery temper flared only when gasoline was poured, and to her, there was gasoline on nearly everything.

Frankie. Just the thought of him made Jane want to cry. Her younger brother, who had looked up to her for so many years; she was who Angela blamed for him wanting to be a cop. He who believed his sister could do no wrong was suddenly faced with the cold reality that he didn't know his sister as well as he thought he did. She was harsh to him, quick to take any jab to his self-esteem he left open. She wasn't the person who used to purposely miss the basket in order to let him score. She wouldn't threaten to beat up anyone who was giving him a hard time; now _she _was the one giving him a hard time.

Angela gave up last of all, and most begrudgingly. She believed Jane would heal, she believed Jane would fix herself. She wanted so badly for Jane to move on, to get help, to get better, something, _anything, _but that hope and want was useless now. They had been in the middle of an argument, Angela desperately wanting Jane to find some help, and Jane angrily threw her great-grandmother's vase onto the floor. Still in shock Angela barely registered as Jane insulted her as a mother, claiming that Angela never loved Jane, never loved who she really was, and always wanted her to change. Jane screamed at Angela about how the woman was too blind to see anything but what she wanted, despite how things already were. Angela refused to accept anything that went a stretch away from her pretty familial picture that Jane didn't give a damn anymore about what she wanted. She didn't give a fuck if Angela didn't speak to her anymore and she really didn't give a _fuck _if Angela wasn't in her life anymore at all. Jane stormed out of the house, slamming the door as loudly as possible, not caring that the neighbors had called the police about some angry shouting and that Angela had protected Jane, for the last time.

She'd written a letter to her parents and brothers, a goodbye and thank you for everything they did for her. She wanted them to know that she was sorry, and that she loved them. This wasn't their fault, the blame was entirely her own.

She set a letter next to it to Frost and Korsak, saying it's not their fault, they did what they could, they tried to protect her, but no power in the universe could protect her from herself. She's grateful to them.

She understands what they were all trying to do for her, trying to help her get better, but in the end, it seemed as if she didn't want to. That's her own problem to deal with… but she can't. Not anymore, at least.

She still had time to go down there and tear the letters to shreds and burn them, if she could find it in her to take the other way off this roof.

Jane kicked the pipe next to her foot. It rang out with a rusty clang as it bounced across the cement, filling the crisp night air around her with a resonating hum. She closed her eyes and blinked out the tears that had gathered there without her knowing. She shouldn't be crying right now; it had been so long since she'd felt any emotion at all. Everything hurt for so long, everything was sad for so long that it all faded into the background, into a casual, solemn, everyday occurrence. She was a little surprised, honestly; she didn't even think it was possible to get even greater.

One year.

326 days.

7,824 hours since Maura died.

How is it possible that this past year has only been, well, one year?

_Jane, you stupid shit. If it's only been a year, it's only been a year. You can't fucking bend time. And fuck knows it doesn't go any slower when you hate yourself. _

No, but it seems to.

Everything drags on and on.

Jane should have resigned months ago, or taken a medical leave.

It was offered, but she turned it down; she's not sick, just grieving. It'll pass.

She was wrong.

Maybe she should have seen a therapist more, or a doctor, gotten a head scan. Maybe she shouldn't have let Maura die in the first place.

Everything always comes back to her.

Everything always goes right back around to where the only logical reason is that Jane is the one to blame.

Everyone's probably already seen it, but now Jane truly realizes the extent of her faults, the extent of her mistakes, her grievances. Every word she'd ever said, how useful was that to anyone? It wasn't at all, and she can't believe she'd talked herself into believing that. She's not important, and she's even less important now than she was when Maura was alive.

_When Maura was alive…_

The thought still rocks Jane to the core. The gravity of her mistake built up on every little thing she'd ever hated herself for and it always suddenly spills over until Jane is kneeling down, her head between her hands and her eyes screwed shut, as if she could cease to exist just by doing so.

The flipping sensation in her stomach made her want to rip it out of her body, but she knew that was physically impossible. She wanted to vomit up everything inside of her, all her organs; she didn't want them anymore. But she knew that was impossible as well. She wanted to just run right ahead and take the nosedive off the top of this building, which seemed right in her grasp at the moment.

She could see it, and she saw it from a third person view. She could see her pumping her arms as she ran, her legs striking the cement beneath her, not anything on her mind but the open sky she was running toward and the blank blackness without a trace of stars. She would fly over the edge, feel adrenaline for the first time in almost a year, and then feel herself trying to steady herself as she fell two hundred feet toward the ground, trying, maybe, to find one last ditch effort to not feel the crack of the concrete on the pavement.

Jane clutched at her chest, her heart beating wildly and the tears falling freely from her face.

She didn't want to die.

But, oh, she wanted to.

_Kill yourself, Jane. Run!_

Jane felt her throat closing and air getting thinner but she couldn't feel herself anymore. Everything hurt. The pain was blinding, the pain was buzzing through every part of her, every limb, every nerve, every cell of her body felt the desperate plea to _please stop _but to _keep fucking going. _

Is there ever a way out?

_ Yes._

Jane laid down on the roof, as if that would anchor her to solid ground.

Her life was falling apart. Everything she survived has been all for naught. Everything she experienced, useless. Every case she solved to put away a murderer, and there was always another murderer to be found. There was no point to her. She was insignificant. She has no one left because she might as well have told them all to fuck off. She wouldn't be changing anything. The world could go on without her.

There was no happiness left for her, and every hope of that seemed to vanish with Maura's life. Jane thought, she truly did think, that she could move on. She thought she could heal, she was optimistic about it, but all the guilt, all the what-ifs, all the should-have-done's, every move she makes and everything she _thinks _she analyzes it as if it could have changed something. _It could have changed something_, she keeps telling herself, trying to convince herself that Maura's death wasn't her fault, but at the same time, convince herself it was. The more she thought about it, the more she could only see it as her doing. She failed to protect her, protection is her job. She failed to do her job, she failed her life's dream, so what really is her life anymore? It's failure.

Jane shook her head so hard she swore she could feel her brain rattling inside her head. She stood up and tiptoed over to the two-foot high ledge at the edge of the roof. She peaked over. It was a long way down.

She cleared her head and stared up toward the sky. You couldn't see the stars in Boston if you tried. The sky was so dark it seemed practically black, except for a round dot to the left where the moon liked to sit. The moon was a patient observer, saw every joy and every tragedy; a silent witness unable to save.

Jane took deep breaths, breathing in questions, breathing out her answers.

Inhale.

_What is there left for me?_

Exhale.

_I don't know._

Inhale.

_What am I going to do?_

Exhale.

_You won't have to do much anymore._

Inhale.

_Will the pain stop?_

Exhale.

_Everything will stop._

Inhale.

_Will I see Maura again?_

Her breath hitched as she felt the wind blow from behind her, whipping her hair around her face and catching her off guard. She grabbed onto the ledge as if the wind could knock her off balance. She turned briskly around and stood there trying to calm her heart; She didn't want it racing at a time like this.

_Maura._

The constant in her mind was now standing in front of her, looking clean and beautiful as ever. Her hair was up in a ponytail, is if she'd just spent her day lounging around in her house, or in Jane's apartment.

"Night light on or off?"

Jane was silent for a moment, wondering if this was what Maura's voice sounded like? Who knows how time has altered her memory.

"You're gorgeous, my friend."

Jane looked down at her black pants and gray-purple long sleeve shirt. _There's nothing gorgeous about me anymore, sweetheart. _

"Jane!"

Her voice was terrified then, and Jane recognized that as the name she called out when she saw Jane was in danger. Sometime that day, during all the chaos, Maura still called out for Jane.

Jane shook her head.

Maura was standing in front of her, smiling warmly as if to greet her.

"My Jane," Maura said softly, her rich voice letting the words float around the two of them on the roof top.

"Maura," Jane said. "You're the only one."

"The only one?" Even in Jane's subconscious, she needed to give Maura her speculative side.

"The only one," Jane replied, unable to articulate further how Maura was the only one. The only one left who hasn't left her, if in her own mind. The only one who Jane's loved so fully. The only one who Jane's never been able to tell. The only one who could drive Jane to this point of insanity. The only one Jane wanted to see before diving off the edge of a building.

"Are you going to jump?" Maura asked.

"It's pretty obvious, isn't it?" Jane muttered, mostly to herself. Her eyes were cast downward.

"Do you want to?"

Jane looked up at Maura's face, concern evident in her eyes because, Jane realized, Maura is concerned for her a lot.

"I think so."

Maura nodded.

"It's your choice," Maura said clinically.

Jane wished there was something Maura could say to make her feel better, but she couldn't come up with anything in her head, and Maura was in her head. She couldn't save herself if she tried.

Jane turned around and stepped up onto the ledge, not chancing a look down. She suddenly felt light and free, and she felt sweat suddenly appear on her body, despite the chill. She looked outward, toward the sky, toward the dark horizon. Small dots of city lights were the closest she'd ever get to seeing stars lighting up the night.

"Please don't hate me." Jane whispered out in a breath.

Her voice was shakier than she wanted it to be. She didn't look down once.

"Why would I hate you?" Maura's voice was soft, sweet, like honey and chocolate.

Jane turned where she stood to face toward the center of the roof. Maura was still there, looking at her with a soft expression.

"I let you down."

Jane watched Maura's face, but really, the only way to describe it was _soft_. Jane ached to feel her, to hold her one time. Just one more time, _please._

"You didn't let me down." Maura's voice was firm.

Jane didn't believe it. If she didn't let Maura down, at least, she sure as hell let herself down.

"Do you hate me?" Jane's breath hitched.

"I could never hate you."

Jane hid a sob bubbling up in her chest. Her heart was filled with emotion, good and bad, and her brain was trying to process it all, and her chest felt on fire.

"I love you."

Maura smiled. "I love you too."

Jane wanted to add, _I love you like you have no idea._

"Tell me you forgive me." Jane closed her eyes and swallowed to relieve her dry throat. She held her arms open, like an invitation for Maura to step into them. She just wanted Maura again.

"I forgive you."

Jane felt the fast rush of air as she tilted backwards.


End file.
